4 Scary-But-Very-Necessary Requirements For Finding True Love, According To Psychology
The common denominator holding you back might be you.
Dean Drobot | Canva So you want a relationship, but you're still single despite all the potential partners you meet, flirt with, get intimate with, and even grow to like. Yet, when you have a connection, something always goes wrong. What gives? I'm not a fan of blaming the victim, and I can see where it may come off that way, but I have to point out that the common denominator is you. Deep down, you may know it too.
Here are four scary-but-very-necessary requirements for finding true love, according to psychology:
1. Embrace impulsivity
Jump and dive in! Be needy, be vulnerable, and let your guard down. Call them even when you think you shouldn't. Do everything you think you shouldn't do and don't even think too much about it. If it feels good, do it.
The element I am referring to is taking risks and throwing caution to the wind. Say, forget about it, and love with all your heart. Be impulsive.
2. Speak up
Research in the Handbook of Communication and Social Interaction Skills explores the fundamental nature of communication in relationships, so have a million conversations with yourself, your journal, your therapist, your best friend, your mom, and especially your lover. If you can, talk about what you are doing "wrong." This is not what you want the relationship to look like, so talk about why this is scary. Talk until you're blue in the face.
3. Backpedal if you need to
I know this sounds like advice that could go wrong, but you are human, and you are allowed to make mistakes. So yes, taking risks may mean jumping in impulsively, and then, quite likely, at some point, you will need to stand up, shake your head and ask yourself what you want.
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4. Reset boundaries
You can establish healthy boundaries. Keep talking with your lover, therapist, etc. You've already taken some giant leaps and thrown caution to the wind. You’ve let the other person know you are truly, deeply interested, but you have boundaries you'd like to maintain.
Sometimes, it's easier to establish boundaries after you've had a taste of danger. A supportive lover will be receptive to your needs, as explained by Joel Paris' article on boundaries and intimacy.
You've been doing all this work on yourself. You can spend hours alone, take spiritual vacations alone, meditate, feel connected with everything you do, and be present and mindful, but then why, then, are these relationships constantly alluding to you?
Why, even when you find yourself deeply attracted to someone or recognize they are also very much into you, are you still moving with much trepidation? Well, that is quite likely the reason.
Whether you realize it or not, you may not be completely letting go because old patterns die hard. You may just be holding back an integral part of you to maintain previously healthy boundaries you have upheld. But these previously healthy boundaries can often turn into brick walls you have created as a way to stay "true to yourself".
You may have lost yourself in the past — lost your identity, became a "we" too fast, and ended up misunderstood, judged, and heartbroken. Or you never gave enough of yourself, The work of Cheryl L. Carmichael on the self and intimate relationships suggests that you work on yourself to become a better you, and this, too, has become a problem.
You tried so hard to go with your heart that you didn't take the risk needed to get into a relationship. Or maybe you've perfected the art of taking care of yourself so well that it’s just too scary to let go.
The unfortunate newsflash is that unless you are looking for a platonic business partner, you will need to re-integrate some of those "unhealthy" patterns you shed years ago, especially if you want to get back into a relationship. The idea we can merge without fully merging will leave you exactly in the same place — partially merged with a bunch of other unwilling-to-fully-merge people.
If you're doing the work, then you already know what is and isn't good for your heart and what is and isn't good for your sanity. You probably also know that the two don't always align. That's okay; sometimes, you need to do a little of both to get to where you want in life.
Go ahead, it's OK. Jump in. Do the “unhealthy” thing, just this once. See what happens. You’re allowed to make mistakes. You're human, and I permit you.
Moushumi Ghose, MFT, is a licensed therapist and author whose passion is around advocacy and change by breaking down barriers for better relationships.