Couples Who Regularly Have These 7 Conversations Experience The Most Romantic Relationships
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Riska | Canva We drive in our traffic lane. We don't mess around with a colleague's desk or cubicle. We maintain a respectable distance in a queue. Still, many people think boundaries are unnecessary and even offensive in a romantic relationship. Why?
For one reason, they think their partner should be able to anticipate their wants and needs. Some even fear that setting boundaries in relationships will interfere with romance and spontaneity. Others feel that boundaries are downright callous. But fear not, a healthy relationship requires boundaries, as outlined by a guide from The Family Journal and it turns out that boundaries are one of the best ways to prevent resentment and clear the way for romance!
Seven conversations couples have regularly for the most romantic relationships
1. Talk about how you'll talk about boundaries
I know that seems a little redundant, but the goal is to have a conversation about the value of setting boundaries and how you can respectfully, and lovingly discuss them. Boundaries define responsibility in the relationship and create natural limits. These limits work to your mutual benefit since the overall expectations are worked out.
Learning how to set boundaries is essential for eliminating blame in the relationship. Clear boundaries determine where you end and your partner begins. When you are both clear on which responsibilities are yours and which are theirs, you have less conflict and fewer misunderstandings.
Boundaries communicate your tolerance to each other. You and your partner have different emotional thresholds. When you set boundaries, you are letting your partner know there are certain things you will not tolerate: being lied to, shouted at, being silenced, or mistreated. Limits make more healthy and peaceful relationships.
Not all people are going to have the same values as you, so it’s important to get it right from the start.
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What happens when you don't set healthy boundaries?
Not only will you be in an unhealthy relationship, but you also cannot hope to have high self-esteem as you mourn the behavior of a partner who is crossing boundaries and treating you indecently.
Failure to set boundaries means you will have to deal with:
- Messy habits
- Jealous spying
- Broken promises
- Dangerous lifestyle: alcohol or drug abuse
- Angry behavior
- Oppression and resentment
- Power struggles
If you do not believe in boundaries and accept anything and everything, the problems that may arise are yours, not your partner's.
The core determinant when establishing patterns of behavior in your relationship is acceptance and rejection. Boundaries help you to effectively communicate with your partner about what you accept and reject.
2. Talk about your style of intimate expression
Melissa Ubando of Pepperdine University explores how you and your partner can have different ideas about the expression of intimacy. For example:
- In the morning or in the evening.
- Exploration and adventurousness
- Frequency and pace
The point is, if you don’t know where your intimate boundaries lie, one of you will spend your time in the relationship faking satisfaction.
Determine your needs and preferences and how much wiggle room for adventure exists within your relationship. Violating intimate boundaries in a relationship is not just unhealthy, it is abusive.
3. Talk about financial stuff, even when it's tough
There's typically no more of a sensitive topic in any relationship, as a comparison of studies on financial conflicts published by The Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. Money is powerful and can turn a good relationship sour. Your income, spending methods, and saving patterns could bring some significant trust issues in the relationship.
You and your partner should regularly sit down and discuss financial boundaries. Ask each other, "What dollar figure is the limit that we need to discuss together before we decide to buy or not buy it?"
It is also important to decide how to spend your money, create a budget, and be on the same page where financial goals are concerned. Money is a shared topic. You are a team, and you must operate as such to be successful in your relationship.
Discussing financial boundaries is not an expectancy of a failed relationship; it is a matter of convenience, which will help you avoid sticky entanglements later in the relationship.
4. Settle disagreements simply and quickly
All relationships have conflict.
If you adequately address how you will fight in your relationship, you can quickly solve all your problems. Conflicts and arguments do not necessarily jeopardize your relationship, as shown by Meghan Moland of Fort Hays State University. Indeed, there are times when disagreements can bring you together. The key is how you decide to handle conflict.
Do you:
- Give the silent treatment?
- Laugh when there is conflict?
- Make underhanded comments?
- Get the person out of your physical space?
Once you are aware of how you both handle conflict, you can set up a rule in advance when you are both more level-headed. (For example, agree if one gives the silent treatment for two days, tell them they are being silly and the point has been made.)
Conflicts, when mishandled, can ultimately break the relationship up. Work together to determine the appropriate way to deal with anger and how you will treat each other when you are upset.
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5. Discuss media boundaries
Social media has completely permeated romantic relationships. Pew Research Center data supports how social media accounts are filled with stories about social media interference with partners snooping on each other's accounts, suspicion, and anger when partners follow their exes.
You may be hesitant to discuss boundaries on social media usage since you may think social media is too frivolous to argue over. However, you must realize social media stirs up real feelings, and those feelings matter.
As such, agree with your partner on:
- How to prioritize quality time together without social media
- What you should and should not post.
- To what extent you should engage your exes online.
6. Talk about how you spend your time
A Contemporary Family Therapy Forum publication makes it clear that your relationship will thrive when you spend quality time together — and separately. Therefore, you need to set boundaries on how you will not only spend time together but also have some solo time scheduled with friends and family.
If you do not set up time boundaries in your relationship, you will have problems in the relationships with your family and friends. Talk with your partner about your expectations for time together and time alone so you will have a more fulfilling relationship.
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7. Discuss your limits
Bear in mind the concept of boundaries may be unnatural to some people. Therefore, to make your boundaries efficient:
- Be firm, yet kind. Do not be mean or hurtful when you set a boundary. The more you approach the boundary conversation with love and compassion, the better the conversation will go.
- Be consistent. Once you set a boundary, do not dismiss it or ignore it. When you undermine the boundaries, you will have taught your partner to disrespect them, too. As such, stand behind your words at all times.
Remember, the signs of a healthy relationship include boundaries, and boundaries are not static. The types of boundaries in relationships can change as your relationship progresses or as you find out more information about each other.
Feel free to revisit the boundaries when the need arises.
Randy Skilton believes everyone deserves a great, healthy relationship, but it starts with you. If you are tired of meeting guys that all seem the same then you can read more on his YourTango blog or his website.