7 Red Flags Your Marriage Might Be A Ticking Time Bomb, According To Research
When a marriage is disintegrating, you can see the divide.
Gagliardi Photography | Canva By Dr. Margaret Rutherford
How do you maintain being in love and not say, “I love them, but I’m not in love with them.”
Many couples decide to divorce and admit they have failed to maintain love. It feels awful. Maybe there is love, but hardly anything about it feels fresh.
Knowing all the things you know now, why would you marry your partner today? What would cause you to say “I do” all over again? If you don’t know the answer, you are likely unhappy in your marriage.
But it’s not hopeless. With insight into your behavior, you can salvage your relationship and get back the love for your spouse.
Here are 7 red flags your marriage might be a ticking time bomb, according to research:
1. Hanging on to resentment
Research in Contemporary Family Therapy found that forgiveness is essential to marital satisfaction in a long-term relationship. I know I have both given it and received it on my own.
2. Ignoring the relationship
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You have put the children or your job first. Always. This is such a common mistake. It’s easily justified. “I need to make money so we can send the kids to college.” “I am so busy getting the kids to all their activities, I don’t have time to do anything else.” “I am incredibly tired after working all day.”
Marriage can’t take a back seat, as shown by an article in the Journal of Family Issues. Unmaintained, the relationship will die a slow death. You have to give time to each other.
3. Being unhappy with yourself
This is hard to see, especially if you become attracted to someone else. Then it gets messy. And painful.
Affairs are frequently about believing that someone else holds the power to make your life what you have always thought it could be. Well, guess what? You hold that power.
You have to confront yourself what perhaps you don’t want to admit. It could very well be about you. You have issues from the past that are governing you. You are struggling with your worth or insecurities. You aren’t who you thought you would be or you are struggling with getting older.
Perhaps it is your marriage, but these things need to be considered carefully.
4. Not touching each other
We all may watch a lot of intimate acts in movies and on TV, but there are lots of folks who are too worn out from their daily lives to even hold one another. They forget that touching and intimacy are ways to connect and re-energize uniquely, as demonstrated by a study in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships.
You can learn that again. It may be awkward but it’s possible. Initially, it was new and exciting. Lust/love is what I call it; now, it may be more intentional.
5. Not laughing together
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I have listened to many people struggle and fight. When they can, at the end of a session, laugh about something, I feel much more optimistic about whether or not they will make it. A study in the Motivation and Emotion Journal showed there’s something positive connecting them.
6. Not striving for anything together
Research in Developmental Psychology helped show how marital tension happens when people don’t talk and don’t realize the importance of having a common goal. Whether it’s work in your community, in a church, or your own life, that goal brings fresh excitement and a sense of purpose to a marriage.
What are the two of you about? What do you care about together? Important questions to answer.
7. Not accepting the loss nor appreciating the gain
If you have been together for a while, in all likelihood, you have had experiences that have “de-romanticized” your partner. To say the least. You have seen them sick. Green at the gills. Or pouting. Or irritable. And they have hurt you. Or disappointed you. And you, them.
They have lost the rock-star quality they had at the beginning for sure. You have been through life together. Instead, there can exist a depth of feeling and experience that is irreplaceable and to be treasured, as explored in the Hellenic Journal of Psychology.
But it can’t be new again. It simply can’t. That has to be realized. Accepted. And appreciated.
So what would cause you to marry your partner all over again? Even knowing what you know now? Perhaps you can find answers that surprise you. Even warm your heart.
Dr. Margaret Rutherford is a clinical psychologist who has practiced for over 25 years. Her work is found on her website, as well as HuffPost, Psych Central, Psychology Today, The Good Men Project, The Gottman Blog and others.