7 Research-Backed Reasons That Explain Why You’re Scared To Go All-In On A Relationship
Understanding what's behind your hesitation can help you overcome relationship anxiety.
Bricolage | Shutterstock There are at least a hundred reasons for not giving one hundred percent in your relationship. You might have been hurt in the past before, or maybe you just need something that you haven't found yet.
There’s no shortage of reasons to keep one foot out the door when it comes to love. Whether it’s fear of getting hurt or wanting to keep your options open, hesitation has a way of creeping in.
Here are research-backed reasons that might explain why you’re scared to go all-in on a relationship:
1. You will never get hurt
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Well, that’s not true. You will get hurt to the level you have invested in yourself. If you are 10% in, you will get hurt 10%. If you are 100% in and the relationship fails, you will be hurt, completely, totally, 100%.
2. You will never feel invested in arguing
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When you are not giving 100%, you don’t care about arguing unless you are doing it for fun, like to see your partner react, or you just want to prove a point. You are never concerned about improving the relationship because that would take a commitment and personal investment in time and emotional energy.
Research suggests a connection between disengagement from conflict and difficulty committing to relationships, possibly stemming from avoidance or a lack of emotional investment in the relationship. Individuals who avoid arguments or are unwilling to invest emotionally in their relationship may struggle with commitment and relationship stability.
3. You will always be ready for the next relationship
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This has got to be the best thing about not investing 100% in the relationship. It makes it easy to leave. You always have a back door to escape through when the going gets tough (and it always gets tough).
There is freedom in knowing you can leave relatively unscathed whenever something better comes along or your partner becomes too demanding (and they always become demanding.)
4. You will never have to say, 'I gave the relationship one-hundred percent'
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Knowing the relationship is bound to fail and never having invested 100% means being prepared for the worst and keeping personal losses to a minimum.
It’s kinda like investing. You just can’t be emotional when having to ditch a stock. And like investing, you never put all your eggs in one basket. If you do, that kind of stupidity deserves to be clobbered when the stock/relationship goes south. Never, ever, put all your worth into one stock — or relationship.
The belief that relationships are destined to fail and an inability to commit often stems from attachment styles and past experiences. According to a 2023 study, this leads to avoidance of intimacy and a fear of vulnerability. People may engage in behaviors that test their partner's commitment or create distance rather than invest in the relationship.
5. You will always be able to blame the other person when it doesn’t work
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Never giving 100% and blaming works in a paradoxical fashion. You would think that someone who gives 100% and then has the relationship disintegrate would blame the other person. But for some reason, it doesn’t work that way.
It seems that the less you invest, the more you blame the other. It’s just easier to not take responsibility. It’s easier to walk away when minimally invested and then justify the decision by blaming the other person. It’s like wearing a Teflon suit, nothing sticks.
Research suggests a strong link between the tendency to blame others when things go wrong in a relationship and a reluctance to fully commit to it. Blaming can hinder healthy communication and emotional connection, ultimately undermining the relationship's foundation.
6. You will be able to conserve energy
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This is a biggy. Relationships can be so time-consuming and huge energy sucks — and for what — some intimacy, a warm bed, sharing the rent or mortgage? Come on. There is only so much energy to go around.
And being energy conscious, and eliminating waste whenever and wherever possible, is how to be friendly to the environment. Yelling, screaming, fighting, discussing, negotiating, working through, and compromising; that’s exhausting just thinking about it, never mind DOING it.
Research suggests a link between the belief that investing in a relationship wastes energy and an inability to commit, potentially stemming from a fear of vulnerability or a desire to avoid emotional investment. Individuals with this mindset may be less likely to actively nurture the relationship, communicate their needs, or make sacrifices for their partner.
7. You can keep expectations low
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Low emotional investment and low expectations keep the chance of being hurt — LOW. Just the way you want it. Not only that, if your partner surpasses your low expectations, bonus. You are pleasantly surprised.
If things go the other way, which you fully expect, you can slide out of the relationship with minimal damage. Furthermore, you have again proven to yourself the reason for low expectations. You are a realist and you are right (you may want to check out the concept of self-fulfilling prophecy).
The big takeaway: You only get out of a relationship what you put into it. Give a little, get a little. As tongue-in-cheek as this article is, I know people who think and act this way. It is very sad to watch.
They say they want a relationship, but they are never able to make it last for any length of time. Typically, they have been hurt in the distant past and made a declaration that they will never be hurt again — hence the lack of a 100% commitment.
Consequently, without giving a 100% they get less than stellar results and create a self-fulfilling prophecy of how relationships don’t work. And God knows, they have enough evidence for it.
Even if you give 100% it is not a guarantee. But if you don’t give 100%, that is a guarantee — of failure.
I have been in many relationships that ultimately failed — but not because I wasn’t giving 100%. By giving 100% I never had to question whether or not I tried my best. I did and I knew it. I could feel good about myself in that area.
Furthermore, because I had no regrets about my efforts, I noticed that I was able to examine the relationship to see what I learned from it. I learned something from every relationship that eventually helped create the relationship-able person I am today.
I will leave you with this quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson on enthusiasm which is, for me, about giving 100%.
“Enthusiasm is one of the most powerful engines of success. When you do a thing, do it with all your might. Put your whole soul into it. Stamp it with your personality. Be active, energetic, enthusiastic, and faithful, and you will accomplish your objective. Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm.”
Steven Lake is an author, speaker, and relationship coach. He has a private counseling practice, works for the BC Society of Male Survivors of Abuse, and teaches graduate courses at Adler University.
