3 Rare Red Flags That Make A Woman Totally Incompatible With A Man, According To Psychology
You can't fake a connection with someone.
Rafaella Mendes | Unsplash The red flags. You know, the markers that blink, flash, and sound like fire alarms that you just can’t ignore. When looking back at relationships and evaluating what went wrong and what went right, it’s always the red flags that were there from early on that ended up biting you in the back.
Red flags are all around us, from the moment we interview for a job to the first or second date. Though it can be tempting to overlook the red flags, or wonder how you even wound up in the mess you’re in now, think back to the earliest warning signs that suggest you may have been incompatible in the first place.
Here are the rare red flags that make a woman incompatible with a man:
1. You keep hoping things get better
We want our date (or boyfriend/girlfriend) to be different than what they’re expressing or showing. We stay because we have dire hope that everything will work out. Let’s face it: dating is hard. Sometimes it most certainly feels easier to give people the benefit of the doubt or stay in a mediocre relationship than to leave and go back to square one.
It’s common to see the flags with a pinkish hue rather than in the primary color scheme. You may tell yourself that the problems you’re experiencing are not that bad; maybe these red flags are just pink. What if I’m being too judgmental? I can probably learn to live with this. Smile and nod.
No. Don’t do it. You are worth it to be in the relationship that works for you. You can have it all: a healthy relationship with someone who treats you kindly, but it starts with you.
A 2021 study explained that hopeless romantic beliefs can lead to unrealistic expectations about a partner's idealization and the relationship's trajectory. The intense emotions associated with an 'incurable romance' can make it difficult to objectively assess a partner's behavior and recognize warning signs of unhealthy traits or behaviors.
2. You feel like you're settling
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We often turn other people’s flaws into our problems but blame ourselves. We settle because everything else is great. It’s the except for that one thing phenomena.
Oh, you know, he’s great, funny, clever, tall, but he cheats. If only he didn’t lie about his whereabouts last night, we’d be perfect. It’s very difficult to acknowledge that a flaw is a deal breaker and not just a minor inconvenience.
Each person has a different threshold for what works in relationships. Maybe you can accept a person who is sarcastic and caustic with her words, whereas someone else absolutely can’t handle that type of humor.
In dating, it becomes each person’s responsibility to check in with herself and ask questions like can I live with this? Does this behavior or philosophy of life jive with how I see myself? Do I feel comfortable? In reality, we’re likely not too difficult and we must recognize red flags rather than telling ourselves that we’re the problem.
Incompatible relationships frequently involve persistent conflict, an inability to find common ground, and feelings of being misunderstood or unsupported. A 2010 study explained that the failure to connect on a deeper level, lack of emotional intimacy, and absence of shared interests can also signal incompatibility.
3. Your energies are different
This week, one of my clients and I discussed a recent date he had, which was a set-up by a mutual friend. He told me how he felt during the date and described it as “20 questions in a deposition.” He was disappointed with the way it turned out and had hoped it would have been more fun and conversational. His date didn’t seem easygoing, a trait that is important to him. Like most of us, he wondered how he could have made their connection better.
During our processing, we realized that they were not a match. His date seemed smart and thorough, but not a good fit for him. Her interrogation served as a red flag that she would probably nitpick or try to find the angle, rather than talk things out in the manner that works better for him. Yet, despite all of this, he initially ignored the red flags and considered having a second date. He wanted to seem polite and hoped to put forth effort since it was a set-up.
We discussed this and decided that the first date was enough, great even. No love was lost, no hearts broken, and it’s okay to recognize that we’re not always fit with everyone we meet. We trivialize chemistry and connection, the most important aspects of relationships. Their connection was not there and he did not have a reason to pursue anything further with her.
Sometimes red flags do not feel large enough and we find ways to live with the annoyances. Even though they nag at our souls, we excuse the potential problems because they are not egregious. I’m not talking about punitive issues, but real challenges that you’d be hard-pressed to find ways to make acceptable in long-term relationships.
When I realize that the red flags are still waving, I know it’s time to leave the courtship or relationship. One Lousiana State University study found that ignoring minor red flags in relationships can lead to negative long-term consequences, including reduced emotional well-being and increased risk of entering unhealthy relationship patterns. Mindfulness and self-awareness are crucial for identifying and responding to red flags rather than making excuses or rationalizing problematic behaviors.
Too often we see something and wish it was a small drawback, rather than an indication of something bigger. Let yourself find something or someone better. You are worth it. Let the waving flags or the blinking signs serve as alarms for you.
Nina Rubin is a writer, psychotherapist, and Gestalt coach.
