20 Hard Questions That Reveal If Your Relationship Will Last, According To Psychology
Here are the questions to ask to determine if your relationship has legs.
Smiljana Aleksic | Canva The honeymoon can last five days or five years, but at some point, the heat and hormones subside. Susan Piver, author of the New York Times bestseller The Hard Questions believes that's when "the real fun begins." Oh, yeah?
"Romance can never last, but intimacy can never end," explains Piver, who created these 20 questions that will reveal if your relationship will last exclusively for YourTango. She talks with us about her eye-opening exercise for anyone who has committed — and is committed to making it last.
Here are the hard questions that will reveal if your relationship will last:
1. What have you learned to appreciate about me that you didn’t know when we first married?
When answering, it's important to highlight specific traits or abilities you discovered later on that you didn't initially realize were so strong in your partner. You can also mention how you've seen your partner evolve and develop, appreciating their dedication to self-improvement.
2. What have you learned that irritates, upsets, or frightens you?
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Knowing what irritates you in a relationship helps you identify potential conflict areas. A study published by BMC Women's Health found that this allows you to proactively address these issues with your partner. Openly discussing needs and boundaries leads to better communication, deeper understanding, and a stronger bond, preventing minor annoyances from escalating into more significant issues.
3. Are you satisfied with the amount of time we spend together?
The amount of time we spend separately? This opens up a crucial conversation about a potential area of need in a relationship. It allows partners to openly discuss their feelings about the level of connection and intimacy they have, which can prevent resentment and build a stronger bond by addressing potential imbalances in time commitment before they become issues.
4. Have we had any major life shocks?
If so, what did we learn about ourselves, each other, and our relationship? This demonstrates a continued interest in your partner, encourages open communication, deepens your connection, and helps you build a more comprehensive understanding of their evolving thoughts, feelings, and experiences.
In long-term relationships, it's easy to fall into a routine and assume you know everything about your partner. A study published by Current Opinion in Psychology concluded that actively seeking new information keeps the relationship dynamic and prevents stagnation.
5. What dreams or expectations did we have about married life?
Which have been fulfilled and which have not? Unmet expectations are one reason many couples feel hopeless and begin questioning their relationship. This is why it is vital for couples moving toward marriage to communicate their expectations of one another in every area they can think of.
6. What have I given up for you?
How do I feel about it? Asking yourself what you have given up for your marriage is essential because it encourages self-reflection, helps identify potential imbalances in the relationship, and allows you to assess whether your sacrifices align with your values and overall happiness.
Research from the International Journal of Mental Health and Addiction found this prompts conversations with your partner to address concerns or resentment arising from perceived unequal giving.
7. What have you given up for me? How do you feel?
This encourages self-reflection on the balance and sacrifices made in your relationship, helping you understand their commitment, identify potential areas of imbalance, and foster a more equitable and appreciative dynamic. If you are concerned about imbalances, have an open and respectful conversation with your partner to address any issues.
8. At what times have we felt happiest together?
Asking yourself when you've felt happy with your partner is important because it encourages you to reflect on the positive aspects of your relationship actively. A study published in the Journal of Happiness Studies concluded that this can foster gratitude and strengthen your bond by reminding you of the shared joyful moments, which can be crucial for navigating challenges and maintaining a healthy connection.
9. Is our connection satisfying to you?
To me? This encourages self-reflection, helps you identify potential issues early on, allows for open communication with your partner, and ultimately contributes to a healthier and more fulfilling partnership by ensuring your needs are met. You are actively working towards a balanced connection.
10. How do we manage when desire levels differ?
2020 research found that this allows for open communication about a potentially sensitive topic. This can help identify potential issues early on, build trust, and work towards solutions that address both partners' needs and maintain a healthy, fulfilling relationship. Sometimes, different desire levels can be a symptom of deeper issues like stress, communication problems, or relationship dynamics, which can be addressed through open conversation.
11. Where are you feeling content in your life? Our life?
This encourages self-reflection, helps you identify what brings you genuine satisfaction, and allows you to focus on those aspects of your life. This can lead to greater overall well-being and a more fulfilling existence. Identifying areas where you lack contentment can highlight areas where you may want to focus on personal development or make changes in your life.
12. How much money do we have now?
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How much did we think we would have at this point? This allows for open communication, helps you understand their financial habits and goals, and enables you to make informed decisions about shared finances. It also prevents potential conflicts regarding spending, debt, and major life purchases. Approach the conversation with respect and understanding for each other's financial situations.
13. How much money do we wish we had?
How much do we want in five years? Ten years? Are we planning for retirement? An emergency fund is a must-have financial goal for any couple.
It's recommended that three to six months' worth of living expenses be saved in an easily accessible account. This provides a safety net in case of unexpected costs, such as job loss, medical emergencies, or major home repairs.
14. How much is each of us contributing to our financial health?
(In dollars, or otherwise.) Is each person’s contribution acceptable to the other? Asking how much each spouse contributes to your financial health is crucial because it fosters transparency, builds trust, and allows you to make informed decisions about your shared economic future.
This ensures fairness and prevents potential conflicts related to money within your relationship. The Department of Financial Protection & Innovation recommends discussing finances early in a relationship. This can help identify possible red flags, such as excessive debt or differing spending habits, allowing you to address them proactively.
15. Are we preparing for our parents’ aging and death?
Preparing for your parents' aging and death can include having conversations, researching options, and creating legal and financial plans.
16. Are we in agreement about having children, raising them, and educating them?
Two people will unlikely agree on every aspect of having, raising, and educating children, as personal values, life experiences, and parenting styles can vary significantly.
However, 2011 research concluded that open communication and a willingness to compromise are key to navigating these potential differences and finding common ground as a couple.
17. If we have children, have we explained to them about intimacy, death, and God?
Are we comfortable with how we’ve dealt with these topics? How are they doing with these explanations? It invites a discussion about the importance of these topics and how you'd navigate them as a couple.
It asks your partner to consider how you'd approach these potentially sensitive subjects together. It prompts a conversation about parenting, even if you don't plan to have children.
18. How have we learned to cope with the normal, day-to-day irritations of married life? How could we handle them even better?
To cope with everyday irritations in marriage, couples often learn to prioritize open communication, practice active listening, let go of minor issues, acknowledge each other's feelings, and use humor to diffuse tension.
The Gottman Institute recommends handling these irritations even better: Couples can consciously cultivate empathy, set clear boundaries, actively practice forgiveness, and seek professional help when issues persist or significantly impact their relationship.
19. Do we feel more emotionally connected than we did early in our relationship?
In a healthy relationship, feeling a deeper emotional connection over time is generally considered normal compared to the early stages. This is because you and your partner have had the opportunity to build trust, share more personal experiences, and develop a more profound understanding of each other.
20. How would we define love now?
How does it compare with what we thought love was when we married? In today's understanding, love is often defined as a complex emotion encompassing a deep sense of affection, intimacy, commitment, care, and trust toward another person.
A 2020 study concluded it often includes a mix of physical attraction, emotional connection, and a desire to prioritize their well-being.
Susan Piver is the New York Times bestselling author of nine books, a meditation teacher, and the founder of the Open Heart Project, an online community offering meditation, courses, and support.