The Price Of Marrying The 'Nice' Guy
Date the nice guy, they said. They were wrong.
Kameleon007, KrakenImages.com | Canva I was out of an abusive relationship and single for over a year, so when I happened to meet a “nice guy” in the wild — I was pretty fine with it. He was chubby, a bit balding, and fairly unattractive. But he was funny, similarly-minded, and had a life story that I could associate with.
We were hanging out every once in a while as we were in the same field. We became friends, then partners. I wanted to give him a chance and after many bad experiences with men — a nice guy was a nice change.
I was with him for his mind and potential, rather than his looks, and it worked pretty well… for a time.
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I married the nice guy.
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See, I never craved marriage. But because it was important for him — I discussed it. After a while (and a list of reasons why it would make sense, prepared by him) we decided to marry.
I thought that if I were with a nice guy, he wouldn’t cheat on me. He would cherish me, treat me well, and support my work as I would support his. I thought that he would care about what I said and show me off to his friends.
I was happy, feeling cherished, and wanted — until I got married.
My mom always said that after marriage things inevitably change in a relationship, but I never anticipated things would go so off the cliff, and then keep rolling.
Just after our wedding, I experienced his first tantrum. But nothing could prepare me for what came next.
My husband was working in an office as a consultant; I was working in IT for the same company. One day, the company was supposed to present something to a client, but the projector died. I came in to help.
While I was soldering the cables and making things work, my husband’s boss came in and asked “How is it to have a wife that’s smarter than you?” And oh, that was the downfall, the end of the nice guy.
A 2013 study found that where it may make sense for a man to feel threatened if his partner outperforms him if they're doing something together; their research found that men interpret a partner's success as their own failure, even if they're not in direct competition.
Within two months of our wedding, my 'nice' husband changed into an abusive, controlling, ignorant, demanding, misogynistic, always-at-work guy.
He would ignore my achievements, belittle them, forget about my birthday, not value my time, and demand everything to be done for him. I was his driver, cook, maid, and more.
I left him eight months after we got married. But the drama wasn't over. He cleaned out my bank accounts and spread gossip about me, and the police had to become involved.
Of course, I'm aware that not all 'nice' guys are like my ex-husband. It's like when we wed, a flick switched and I was married to a different person. He stopped pretending.
Psychologists affirm that 'the nice guy syndrome' is genuine and directly relates to their upbringing. However, beneath the facade often lies a pattern of problematic behaviors, such as passive-aggressiveness, manipulation, and entitlement.
If you have to tell anyone that you are a “nice guy," you're likely not a nice guy at all.
Lexie Janson is a writer, flying car racing pilot, and public speaker.