People In The Happiest Relationships Do 3 Things As Part Of Their Weekly Routine, Says Psychologist
Keeping a relationship healthy is something you need to do regularly.
Khaled Ali | Unsplash What can you do right now to make your relationship more romantic? You could get your wife a diamond necklace. Or maybe you could buy her the Mercedes dream car she’s always wanted. Sounds like a good idea, right?
But let’s suppose that you haven’t asked your wife a question in five years, or while you are out on a double date with friends and your wife starts telling a story, you say, “That’s a good story, but you always tell it wrong. Let me tell you.” So you fail at showing her fondness and admiration.
Later that night, she excitedly plops down next to you on the couch and shows you a picture of a romantic getaway in Italy. “Isn’t this romantic?” You respond, “Will you be quiet? I’m trying to read here!” So you fail at turning towards her when she tries to connect with you.
Renowned psychologist Dr. John Gottman discovered that couples who divorced an average of 6 years after their wedding turned toward each other 33 percent of the time in his lab, while the couples who were together after 6 years turned toward each other 86 percent of the time. That’s a big difference.
The #1 thing couples fight about is not about money or in-laws or intimacy. According to Dr. Gottman, most arguments in relationships are about a failure to connect emotionally. Every time you and your partner turn towards each other, you deposit what Dr. John Gottman calls the emotional bank account. Every connected moment in your relationship builds up a savings of love that can be used during hard times.
If a couple has more positive deposits than negative, they are less likely to distrust each other during hard times. But if their Emotional Bank Account is in debt or disconnection, then trust and intimacy erode. Here's how to reconnect with your partner in three steps.
People in the happiest relationships do 3 things as part of their weekly routine:
1. Say yes when your partner's trying to connect with you
Dr. Gottman says that “couples often ignore each other’s emotional needs out of mindlessness, not malice.” The first step to feeling more connected with your partner is to recognize how vital these micro-moments are. This is important not only for the trust in your marriage but for romance and intimacy as well.
The simple shift of not taking everyday interactions for granted can do wonders for a marriage. Helping out with work around the house is likely to do far more for your relationship than a two-week vacation in Tahiti.
Sometimes we miss bids because our partner says it negatively. For example, Kim says to her husband, “It never occurs to you to empty the dishwasher, does it?” James doesn’t hear her bid (“Please unload the dishwasher.”) Instead, he hears criticism, the first of the Four Horsemen. It’s not surprising when he replies defensively.
If James had said, “Oh, you’re right. I’m sorry,” and then emptied the dishwasher, he would have scored brownie points and maybe even a sheepish smile from his wife as she realized her tone was unnecessary.
Before you reply defensively to your partner, pause for a second and look for the bid in their words. If you feel bids are constantly wrapped in criticism in your relationship, I’d recommend reading page 162 in The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work.
2. Know what's going on with each other that week
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Oftentimes times couples assume their partner feels heard and known. The secret to understanding your partner comes not from mind-reading, but rather through the hard work of putting your partner in a position where they can share openly and honestly.
Do you know your partner’s worries and stresses at the moment? What are their hopes and aspirations? What are their goals this year? Are they different from last year? The key to understanding each other is to: Ask questions, remember the answers, and keep asking questions.
Getting to know your spouse better and sharing your inner self is a lifelong process. Your partner’s favorite movie might not be the same as it was five years ago. The better the questions, the larger the emotional investment both of you make.
3. Say thank you and treat each other well
Remember when the man interrupted his wife and told her story? Do you think that was building affection and respect in the relationship?
We all have personality flaws. Instead of focusing on your partner’s inadequacies, learn to accept them. And when you can, express what you cherish about your partner. The idea in learning how to reconnect with your partner is to catch your partner doing something right and say, “Thanks for doing that. I noticed you unloaded the dishwasher, and I appreciate it.”
Each time you do this, your partner feels an emotional connection. As a result, you invest your emotional profits into your relationship’s emotional bank account. Love is not built on big vacations or expensive gifts. Often, it is the seemingly insignificant moments of connection that are the most significant of all.
Kyle Benson is a relationship coach who writes to help others understand the science of love and relationships.
