12 Murky Feelings That Pop Up When You're Not In The Right Relationship, According To Research
These uncomfortable feeling signal that someone's not right for you.
Eduardo Ramos | Unsplash The mind can play tricks to convince us we are happily in love, but the happiness is only inside our heads. When we don't speak it out loud, it loses the power to make or break reality. We seldom question the first thing that comes to mind with any question, let alone relationships.
How many times have you been in love? Or better yet, how many times have you thought you were in love? Are you pleased in your relationship, or are you just putting up with it? Can you see yourself marrying your current partner and being with them for the long term, raising a family, and growing old together?
I was asked those questions about 3 years into a 5-year relationship and found the uncomfortable clues of my unhappy relationship had always been there, but, for whatever reason, I wasn't aware of these murky feelings and convinced myself everything was normal and as it should be.
Here are murky feelings that pop up when you're not in the right relationship:
1. You rarely initiate intimacy but easily fantasize about other people
To anyone else, your partner would be seen as attractive, but they are not getting you excited anymore. Often, you talk yourself out of this truth when other people pay them compliments. It’s a poor reason to stay with them, but at this point, you’re hanging on to anything you can.
2. You occasionally do more than fantasize
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Hate the player and hate the game. You are out there, stringing other people along, having one-night stands, texting, meeting for coffee, anything. Your radar is always on, searching for something new or better, according to research from The American Psychological Association (APA).
3. You always choose a night out with friends over a night in with your partner
A night out with friends every time. These friends aren’t that important to you, but research from The Family Relations Journal helped show you’ll do anything to avoid spending a night in with your partner.
4. You are quick to justify why you haven’t married
You know the real reasons why you haven’t but have somehow created convincing stories as to why you haven’t.
- If I had the money, I would
- We’re not yet ready
- My business is still growing
- We can’t afford our own house yet to bring up a family
- We will, one day, etc.
5. You check their phone obsessively
This shows how much distance exists in your relationship. And if I’m honest, I only ever felt the need to check my partner's phone when it was me who was up to something. I was looking for “evidence” on their phone to justify leaving them. This is what cheats and cowards do.
6. You feel bad or sad for your partner
Nicoleta Ionescu
The hero. If I leave, who will take care of them? When I said this to my coach, he shot me down straight away with this reply, "You didn’t feel bad when you were texting that other woman, and what about the other night when you got in at 6 am after being with that woman from the club?"
It was guilt more than anything, backed by research in The Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, it was the guilt of overpromising and underdelivering.
7. You can’t imagine your partner with another person
If you are still only in a relationship because you can’t bear the thought of them being with someone else, then you don’t have your stuff together.
8. You threaten to leave a lot
If someone kept doing this you’d think they'd leave you, right? It doesn’t happen, do you know why? Because your partner is just as troubled as you are, as explored by studies in Social Psychological and Personality Science. They must be if they chose you in this weakest version of you.
9. You have plans and dreams which are separate from those of your partner
You have no desire to share your dreams and plans. If anything, your partner is seen as an extra burden.
10. You or your partner are emotionally and verbally abusive
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You act out. You misbehave. You argue and argue, where before you wouldn’t have. Research from The Journal of Aggression, Maltreatment & Trauma showed this is an abusive sign you lack respect and love for your partner.
11. You are financially dependent on your partner
They help pay the bills each month. They help you out in times of need, and you don’t know how you will survive without them.
12. You compare your relationship to others
On occasion, you try your best to convince yourself they are the right one because there are so many other relationships that are way worse than yours. That’s just the thing. You might feel you have it good, but you are comparing yourself to the wrong relationships, according to studies in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin.
Are you truly happy in your relationship? Though this post may seem jaded, I am forever grateful to my exes because they taught me a lot about myself and, more importantly, what I was actually looking for in a partner and, ultimately, myself. It was no easy ride. I had a lot of baggage to deal with.
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