These Two Types Of People In A Relationship Together Is A 'Dumpster Fire,' According To Psychology
Attachment theory tells us exactly what combination of personalities is a recipe for disaster.
PeopleImages.com - Yuri A | Shutterstock From "love languages" to personality tests, there are myriad ways to try to suss out the types of people who will make harmonious relationships, and those who will create partnerships born for divorce court.
But most of this is theoretical guesswork. Psychology, and specifically attachment theory, holds the real answer, and according to one therapist, two types of people are the most disastrous combination possible.
A psychologist said people with two attachment styles are the most incompatible.
Attachment theory is a psychological principle that describes how our attachment to our parents shapes our personalities and especially our relationships, from our friendships to our bosses and, of course, our romantic partners.
There are four basic types of attachment: Secure, those who had parents who attended to their emotional needs; Anxious, those who didn't, leaving them craving closeness but fearing abandonment; Avoidant, those who are uncomfortable with intimacy, often because of emotional neglect; and Disorganized which is a mix of anxiety and avoidance that usually stems from severe trauma.
Relationships between two subtypes of Avoidant attachment are 'dumpster fires.'
You can probably theorize some red flag combinations just from those very basic summaries of the attachment styles, and you've probably even lived through a couple yourself. But psychologist and content creator Dr. Sarah Hensley, whose specialty is attachment, said there is one combo in particular that is the most disastrous of all.
First, it's important to note that there are subcategories within the attachment styles, and Avoidant attachment in particular has a few different variations. One is the "fearful avoidant" attachment style, and another is the "dismissive avoidant" style.
Both share similar discomfort with intimacy resulting from histories of neglect, but the experiences they've endured and their responses to them are very distinct. When they're mixed together, Dr. Hensley said they form the kind of "dumpster fire" relationship that is second only to full-on narcissistic abuse in terms of its volatility.
Fearful-Avoidant people have an intense trauma history that makes them vulnerable and hyper-vigilant.
With a fearful avoidant person, "we have significant childhood trauma," Dr. Hensley said. Sometimes these are "little-t traumas," a term for traumas like emotional abuse or bullying which aren't life-threatening.
"But most of the time, there's 'big-t trauma' with one of their caregivers," things like a parent with a substance issue, extreme abuse, abandonment, or the death of a parent. These are experiences that leave a child not only emotionally but also physically unsafe.
Either way, both kinds of trauma are incredibly damaging and create hyper-vigilance in people. Crucially, Dr. Hensley explained that they also create betrayal wounds. "So these people, inside of their subconscious mind, believe, 'if I couldn't trust my own parent, who in the heck could I ever trust?'"
This creates a sort of Jekyll and Hyde situation: The Fearful-Avoidant person is always scanning and bracing for betrayal, but also has an "incredibly deep need inside of them to be seen, heard, and understood," Dr. Hensley said. "The fearful avoidant wants you to split them open and just bear their soul."
But because of their hyper-vigilance and history of betrayal, they also become avoidant and completely shut down, pushing people away. It's a constant push-pull, and when something legitimately problematic occurs, "they're goners," Dr. Hensley said.
Dismissive-Avoidant people have experienced extreme emotional neglect, but usually don't know it.
Dr. Hensley explained that while extreme parental neglect is a major trauma, it usually goes unnoticed. She said that 95% of her dismissive-avoidant clients had no idea they were emotionally neglected as kids until she asked them one question: "Could you go to your parents for emotional support?"
Once she describes how that is supposed to operate, her clients quickly realize they never received it. "What happens when you don't receive emotional attunement?" she explained. "You become somebody who shies away from intimacy."
These people fear vulnerability, are often unable to name their own emotional experiences, and hence have little tolerance for other people's. "They make you extremely uncomfortable and overwhelmed," Dr. Hensley explained, in part because their own emotions make them feel like "something must be wrong with me."
Put them together with a Fearful-Avoidant, who wants nothing more than to be emotionally recognized but is also waiting for the betrayal shoe to drop? Well, you can probably guess how that goes.
It's a relationship in which one person "has a deep need to be seen … and a deep fear of being hurt," and another who "shies away from vulnerability" because "emotions overwhelm them." One is a fighter, and the other runs. One is constantly angry about their needs being met, and the other is constantly feeling like too much is being asked of them.
The good news is, as Dr. Hensley put it, "it's totally fixable, you guys just don't know how to do it." She explained that the key is "to build capacity within your nervous system to execute different behavior."
A therapist like Dr. Hensley can help you sort through that, and she offers online coaching services for those seeking guidance. But the first step is just knowing your own tendencies and those of your partner, because when you know the reasons behind your actions, it can help you empathize enough to begin defusing them.
It's not that you or your partner are broken. It's just that you've been through things that are still affecting you. Once you recognize, the door opens to healing yourself and your partnership.
John Sundholm is a writer, editor, and video personality with 20 years of experience in media and entertainment. He covers culture, mental health, and human interest topics.
