Psychology Says This Is The Most Important Question To Ask For An Envy-Worthy Relationship
Cut to the heart of every relationship (and every choice you make) with one simple question.
Monkey Business Images | Canva There is one question that cuts to the heart of every relationship and every choice we make within it. It is a question you need to ask in order to find a relationship that is truly envy-worthy.
It encompasses every aspect of what makes relationships amazing. It's not a complicated question, but it may not be easy to answer at first.
What’s your relationship worth to you?
This question goes deeper than just a surface answer of, "Everything!"
- Is it worth putting in the effort, having the uncomfortable conversation, or making changes to reconnect, or easier to let things drift while looking fine from the outside but feeling miles apart?
- Is it worth letting go of being right to be in connection?
- Is it worth the hard conversation for a deeper understanding of each other?
Relationships thrive on shared values like love, trust, and mutual respect. A thriving relationship is built on the daily choice to reflect your values and through consistent actions show your relationship is worth it.
We think we know what we value: love, connection, trust, and mutual respect. But how often do our actions align with our values?
It’s easy to let our actions reflect short-term desires like the need to be right, or the need for comfort — over long-term goals, like maintaining a deep, loving connection.
Will you choose comfort over growth?
Pics Five via Shutterstock
We often choose comfort over growth when tired or overwhelmed. Over time, this habit defines the relationship. When we choose to be right to gain a sense of control over our connection, we end up further apart. We unintentionally prioritize winning arguments over nurturing closeness, being comfortable over growing, and our relationships suffer.
We’ve all been there — locked in a heated debate with our partner, convinced if we could just prove our point, all would be right with the world. Whether it’s about whose turn it is to take out the trash or something more significant, the desire to win can often take precedence over maintaining connection, as suggested by a study in Qualitative Psychology.
We all get tired and overwhelmed. Sometimes working on your relationship is acknowledging how long a day it’s been, and how much you just want to snuggle on the couch with the latest episode of Severance. Keeping your relationship top of mind means making time for each other in whatever capacity you have, rather than placing it last on the list and skipping real connection for comfort.
Is being right worth the disconnection that often follows?
garetsworkshop via Shutterstock
The cold shoulder, the unresolved hurt, the widening emotional gap. More often than not, the price of being right is too high, and we’re left wondering why things feel off, even though we won.
A study in the Applied Family Therapy Journal implied that prioritizing connection over being right isn’t about letting your partner win. It’s about recognizing a healthy relationship the connection between you and your partner matters most — not the scoreboard.
Here’s a question worth sitting with: What’s it worth to you to feel deeply connected to your partner?
Most people say they want intimacy, trust, and connection in their relationship, but how often do they act in ways to undermine those goals? If we’re honest, more often than we’d like to admit.
The reason for this disconnect is simple — being vulnerable, apologizing, or investing effort in the relationship can feel uncomfortable, even scary. It’s easier to protect ourselves, hold onto pride, or avoid difficult conversations altogether. But these actions rarely lead to the connection we crave.
Here's how to align actions with values
If you say your relationship is a top priority, what does it look like in practice?
1. Is your behavior reflecting your values?
Think about a recent conflict with your partner. Did your actions reflect the values you say you hold in your relationship? Were you compassionate, understanding, or focused on connection, or were you more invested in defending your position? Was being right about something more important than your partner’s feelings or understanding them?
2. Are you willing to be vulnerable?
Vulnerability is the price of deep connection, as shown by research in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. Are you willing to set aside your pride, admit when you’re wrong, and express your feelings openly?
If a connection is what you value most, vulnerability is non-negotiable. Are you willing to initiate a hard conversation to get to the bottom of the disconnection, or are you choosing to stay comfortable?
3. What are you investing in your relationship?
Relationships require effort, and not just when things are going wrong, but every day. Are you putting in the time, attention, and care your relationship deserves?
In a relationship, the real power is in the quality of the time and the intention of the effort. Sitting at dinner with your phones is not the same as a device-free moment together.
When we look honestly at our actions, we confront the truth of what it is worth to us. If our actions don’t match our values, it’s time to realign.
4. Are you choosing connection over disconnection?
Here’s the beauty of relationships, you can choose to prioritize connection at any moment, no matter how long you’ve been stuck in disconnection.
- You can choose to initiate a connection — even for a few seconds — rather than staring at your phone.
- You can choose to apologize first, even if you feel you were less wrong.
- You can choose to listen instead of defending your position.
- You can choose to hold space for your partner’s emotions, even if it’s uncomfortable.
An article in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships supported that when you consistently choose connection, you create a relationship where both partners feel seen, valued, and safe. And the payoff is immeasurable with stronger trust, deeper intimacy, and a truly fulfilling partnership.
Here's how to break the cycle of disconnection
It’s easy to fall into a cycle of disconnection, especially when tired, stressed, or feeling unappreciated. But breaking the cycle starts with small, intentional steps.
Pause and reflect
bbernard via Shutterstock
When you feel the urge to react defensively or escalate a conflict, pause. Ask, what’s it worth to be right? What’s it worth to stay connected?
When you are reaching for your phone, is there a way to connect first before tuning out? Can you have a 30-second check-in?
Communicate with intention
Speak to your partner with the intention of understanding, not winning. Focus on expressing your feelings without blaming.
Express gratitude and affection without the need for perfection or expectation of return.
Own your part
Recognize that regardless of what your partner does, there are things you can do to connect more deeply.
Even if the disconnection wasn’t your fault, own your part in it. Acknowledging your contribution to a problem shows maturity and a commitment to growth. When you are honest with yourself, you can always see your contribution to a challenge, as suggested by a study on relational authenticity in the Journal of Counseling Psychology.
Recommit to your values daily
Ground Picture via Shutterstock
Healthy relationships aren’t built overnight. They require daily choices to align actions with values. Revisit your priorities and remind yourself of what truly matters.
Find resources for building stronger relationships
If you’ve realized your actions and values aren’t aligning as well as you’d like, don’t worry, you’re not alone, and it’s never too late to make a change.
There are countless tools and resources available to help you reconnect and grow as a couple. Whether it’s a course, a retreat, or simply committing to open conversations with your partner, the key is taking action.
Make your choice
Your relationship is defined by the choices you make. You can choose to stay stuck in patterns of disconnection, or you can invest in the connection you want.
What’s it worth to build a relationship full of trust, intimacy, and joy? Is it worth vulnerability, effort, and time?
You don’t have to figure it out alone. With the right tools and mindset, you can align your actions with your values and create the relationship you’ve always envisioned.
So, it all comes back to the one question: What’s it worth to you?
This question reframes every conflict, decision, and effort in your relationship. It encourages you to prioritize long-term connection over short-term comfort to ensure your partnership reflects the love and respect you value most.
Your relationship’s success hinges on what you’re willing to invest. Are you ready to take the uncomfortable steps, have the hard conversations, and put in the daily effort to align your actions with your purpose?
Your relationship is worth the work. Take the time to reflect, communicate, and act with intention. The happiness you build together will be your greatest reward.
Carolyn Sharp is a couples’ therapist with over 20 years of experience supporting healthy connected relationships. To sign up for her newsletter and be alerted for new blog posts and updates, visit her website.