To Keep Your Partner Close, Do These 3 Things The Moment You Feel Disconnected
Make the choice to pull them closer instead of leting them drift away.
Greogr Ruby via Shutterstock Most of us entered marriage with a picture of how married life would be. For some, the picture is very clear and easy to describe. For others, their ideal image of marriage won't become clear until they begin to think about things that aren’t happening.
Things can slowly deteriorate, and learning how to save your marriage seems impossible. Within a few short years of getting married (and the time seems to pass very rapidly), our time and energy are taken up by other things. Once children are born, they have needs and activities that take up a lot of parental time. Even with the best intentions, it can still be difficult for couples to maintain closeness, intimacy, and enough time together to grow the relationship.
If you want to keep your partner close, do these 3 things the moment you start to feel disconnected:
1. Think about what's working for you both right now (and what's not).
Take some time with the following questions, write down your main conclusions so they are not forgotten, and evaluate your relationship. Depending on your personality and thought patterns, you may be able to do this while driving or involved in an activity, or you may need time alone with no distractions.
You know what works best for you.
Ask yourself these questions:
- Just how bad does it feel to be in your relationship right now?
- Does it feel like you are drifting apart, but it could easily be fixed?
- Does it seem like you are living as roommates?
- Do you find that you are arguing way more than ever before?
- Do you or does your spouse seem to have a lot of anger and resentment, which makes it difficult to engage in meaningful conversation?
Come up with a number on a one-five scale regarding your relationship. You are a one if it feels like it could easily be fixed, and you are a five if there is a ton of resentment and someone has dropped the “D” bomb (divorce).
Think about your spouse's approachability. Studies published in the National Library of Medicine have found that older couples may be advantaged over middle-aged couples when it comes to conflict management—with fewer things to worry about, like kids and pleasure differences, more time grants more happiness down the line.
Think about what is happening in your life right now. If either of you is under undue stress or facing gargantuan deadlines, it may be better to postpone an intervention or carefully plan it out.
However, don’t put it off for long; otherwise, it may never be done until it is too late.
2. Plan your next steps together.
Based on your evaluation, it is time to plan your next steps. This step may take some time, depending on how damaged you feel and how damaged you believe your marriage is at this point. If you are a 4 or 5 on the relationship scale, you may have difficulty believing that things can be different than their current status.
Here are some things to think through and jot down:
- What do I want? You don’t like things the way they are, so what do you want? Even if it is impossible, at least think through and answer this question: "What do I want in our marriage?"
- What do I need? This could be another version of the previous question or have a different answer. However, think it through and write it down.
- What does my spouse want? You have been married for a while, so put on your thinking cap. Write out what you believe your spouse wants in your marriage that is not there right now. The answer to this one may be as simple as making a list of the common complaints you hear from your spouse.
- What does my spouse need? This can be a very different answer from what they want. You know this person; you know their life, their personality, how they approach life, and the stresses of life.
What are the top two or three things that you know would be helpful to your spouse right now with the things being faced in life?
Strategize how to discuss these things with your spouse. If things are going to change either way, for the better or for worse, someone needs to try to get things out on the table where they can be discussed.
If the two of you have not had much success in attempting discussions of this type, you need to do them differently than you have in the past.
Studies have shown that marriage can be extra hard in the first few years, but things really do get better over time — particularly when you reach 20 years and beyond in your marriage.
You could discuss this with a friend to get some input, but be careful. Your spouse may not like someone else knowing your struggles, and you don’t want to discuss it with someone who has trouble keeping confidences.
If you are involved in a religious community, consider seeking guidance from a mentor or advisor who has been there before.
The goal is to devise a way of entering into a discussion regarding your evaluation of the relationship and determine how to improve it.
3. Act on your plans and communicate clearly to each other.
Shunevych Serhii | Shutterstock
At some point in time, you will need to suck in some air, say a prayer, and initiate the discussion. When you do this, do not be surprised if things take off in directions that you never expected.
You should be prepared for this and fight the tendency to defend yourself.
You must think this through to understand how to save your marriage. Your preparation should mean that your presentation has lost its emotional edge and is now a little more factual than at first.
Your spouse has not had the time to do that, so strap yourself in, hang on, and allow some emotion to be blown off at first.
Let your spouse know you have been thinking about things they may want in the relationship. When you give them the list of things you thought would be important to them, ask what you missed and allow time for the discussion.
Tell your spouse that in addition to wants they may have, you believe there are also things they need. Make it clear how you will be able to help with those needs.
These are some initial steps in addressing a relationship that is drifting apart. Don’t expect to solve everything in one discussion, and don’t be too hurt or let down if there is little to no change in your first attempt at this.
Both of you are caught up in life as it has been for a while. You both have patterns in your day, week, and month.
Even if you both want to make small or even major changes, it may not be possible for some time. Appointments, meetings, and activities tend to get scheduled far ahead, so remember that it can take weeks and even months to free up time and energy to do something as important as investing in each other again.
Don’t give up.
Drs. David and Debbie McFadden are a husband-and-wife team that specializes in helping struggling and distressed couples in the US and Canada.