World-Renowned Couples Therapist Reveals The 4 Marriage Secrets She Shared With Her Son Before His Wedding
Vows are a compass for the future of the marriage.
Jacob Lund | Canva As a relationship expert, when my son got married, I found myself thinking about the marriage secrets I would like to tell him and all the lovers who are about to commit to each other. Especially at a time when the word on the street is that relationships have a “best-before” date and that lasting love is a rare and elusive thing available only to the lucky few.
Here are the 4 marriage secrets I shared with my son before he walked down the aisle:
1. Commitment matters
I will tell my son that commitment matters even though it is scary. We all “know” love makes a safer world. However, in his famous experiments where partners hold hands and so radically reduce their brain’s alarm response to threat, my colleague Dr. Jim Coan tells me he finds this Safer World effect only happens when partners are explicitly committed to each other. With that in mind, along with my knowledge, I have some things to say to my son about marriage.
2. There is science behind love
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I will tell my son that we now have a science of romantic love and bonding, as seen in the work of the late Dr. Helen Fisher. More than ten years ago, Fisher, along with collaborator Dr. Lucy Brown, PhD, discovered that in the early stages of romance when a person can’t think of anything else, a primitive brain reward system is active. It is at a non-verbal, reflex level and drives people toward the person they are in love with.
Moreover, their myriad studies proved that romance and love are natural addictions, which explains why romantic love is so hard to control.
3. Love is an open book
I will tell him the structure of love and how it works, or not, is now an open book. Research from the University of Maryland supports how closeness with a loved one calms our nervous system and increases our confidence so we can deal with our world, but only when we feel that we matter to our lovers and that they will be there for us no matter what.
4. Love is a dance
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I will tell him that the path to love is now clear, but not easy. The dance has many twists and turns, and we all lose our way at times. A study on emotionally focused couple therapy published in the Journal of Clinical Psychology demonstrates when we have a secure emotional bond, we have a resource that keeps on giving and leads us to emotional balance, better health, resilience to stress, and a more positive sense of who we are. h
By understanding the importance of this dance and how it shapes security even during challenges and stress, he will have the skills to shape his dance with intention. He doesn’t have to leave his love relationship to chance or the guiding angels of romance novels.
When he goes down the aisle, I will know he has considered the commitment seriously and has studied the science behind love that can build or destroy a relationship. He will know how to love openly and read the love language of his partner so they can dance long into the future.
Dr. Sue Johnson was the former director of the International Center for Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy, which focuses on studying the tapestry of human connection and emotions.