Love Coach Reveals The Simple Compliment That Saves The Majority Of Marriages
Focus on what works instead and maybe your relationship will become much better.
MAOIKO | Shutterstock, Tat'yana Andreyeva | Canva Ever wonder if you can change your partner? Well, screaming and yelling sure won't do it. They may become resentful. Just as with children, we need to be praised for our good deeds.
The last thing you want to hear again and again is that you're doing something wrong, what you need to fix, or how you don't measure up to the person your partner requires you to be. So, before you begin to complain about what they aren't doing, try complimenting them on the things they are getting right.
A love coach explains why simply complimenting your partner can save your marriage:
1. It makes your partner feel appreciated.
Believe it or not, your partner hates that all you seem to do is complain. Or, that you fail to appreciate them. I know this profound idea seems unjustifiably simple, that a simple compliment may change things, but I've seen it work. I can't pretend to have stumbled upon this knowledge on my own though.
One day I was having lunch with a friend when she introduced me to this concept. At the time, I wasn't necessarily looking for her advice when she mentioned how happy she and her husband were together. At first, I thought, here we go again. She's always talking about her husband. If she does have qualms with him they are usually minor. In fact, most of them virtually go unmentioned.
2. It makes your partner feel like they are a priority.
One thing she said, which is reinforced by a 2003 study, was, "Don't talk about the man you're with negatively because you chose him. He is ultimately a reflection of you. Besides, what does it say about you if you go around always complaining he’s such a loser, or he isn’t great in bed?"
Well, I thought that was sound advice, maybe a bit old school but I could see her point. Then, she mentioned something else. She makes him a priority, she doesn't always say "yes" to him, but she does let him know she appreciates him.
3. It creates a deeper bond with your partner.
Intrigued by this, I asked, "Compliment him? You mean you compliment his looks, his ..." "Him ... for the things he does,” she insisted. "At first, he rarely helped out with the kids. He was always busy. We fussed and argued all the time ..." "You two? You seem so ... so ... happy," I said.
They're always touching each other. It's almost sickening at times. I can only imagine what their kids must think when they see their parents canoodling.
"That wasn't always the case," she admitted. "We were on the verge of divorce when we went to Couples Therapy. Our therapist had us do so many exercises together to stimulate some sort of communication between us. One exercise involved looking at each other and telling one another what we loved about the other."
I laughed. "Ok. This sounds a lot like that Adam Sandler movie, Just Go With It. You know, the part where Nicole Kidman's character is complimenting her husband every time they leave one another."
4. One thank you can go a long way.
She laughed too. "It sounds crazy, but it works. We aren't that bad though. I just make a point to remember to thank him when he helps out with dinner, helps with the kids, and helps with errands. You know, the little things. It's the little things that we forget to acknowledge. Sometimes, I don't even say 'thank you,' I may just kiss him and tell him that he's great," she continued.
Research from 2011 supports her words, "It's like by thanking or complimenting him, he gets inspired to help me out more. I thank him sometimes when we're curled up in bed because that's become a ritual between us. It's our only alone time with our busy schedules."
"That's interesting," I admitted, contemplating the last time I thanked my guy for anything he did.
"We don't do this every day, but we do this at times. Not every day, so it's sporadic. It's like a nice surprise. Just when I think he's forgetting, that he's starting to take me and what I do for our family for granted, he reminds me he isn't. He loves me. In turn, I remind him I appreciate the person he is and vice versa."
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5. Showing your appreciation takes the pressure off.
"No wonder you two seem so happy," I mused, reflecting on this simple concept.
"We are now. Telling him what I like about him and thanking him, has even spread over to the kids. When I started telling my son how proud I was of his C's, he started doing better. Maybe because I took the pressure off of him somehow. Now, he brings home B's. I can handle that and I praise him for it.
The Journal of Happiness Studies (2019) shows that the same type of positive reinforcement people preach for children can work with adults as well. Isn't that funny? We are so much closer now because we seem to appreciate one another. I never thought something that simple could work," she admitted.
6. It's the little things that really count.
After our conversation, I tried this method on my own blended family. So far, so good. But we are still a work in progress. My friend was right about one thing. It's the little things, the things we do and don't say that add up and matter.
So, the next time your partner does something that upsets you, try to compliment the good things they are doing. Who knows, maybe this positive reinforcement thing will work like reverse psychology on them. Maybe if we focus more on what works instead of what doesn't, our relationships with our loved ones will become that much better.
N. Meridian is an editor, author of No Crying for Elena, and freelance writer of various subjects. Her works have appeared on such sites as YourTango, BlogHer, Huffington Post, and WorkItMom.