5 Little Signs Your Repressed Emotions Are Destroying Your Relationship
Your unchecked emotions are going to ruin every relationship you have.
Hananeko_Studio / Shutterstock Leaving relationship problems unresolved can lead to everything exploding in your face. Girlfriend, let’s talk. Have you found yourself in this familiar situation? You’re in a relationship and everything is going great. It’s perfect. You give one another your own space and you have time together. It’s a mature and healthy relationship. You feel like you can tell one another anything, and that your communication skills are fairly good.
It seems like a perfect balance, right? Time passes. You realize you haven’t seen your friends in forever! No more girls’ nights out because you want to spend your alone time with your guy. You want him to know he’s special to you so when you’ve got free time you’re with him. Then, this repeated scenario happens: at the last minute, when you have plans together, he tells you, "I decided to make plans and spend the day with the guys."
Upon hearing these words, you’re taken aback. You feel like an anvil hit you. Your heart sinks. Disappointment sets in. Why is this? You had planned to spend the day together and now he’s told you he made plans with his friends without speaking to you about it. When you make plans with someone else, you always check with him first.
He goes out with his friends a few times a week. You’ve never minded before, until now. This was supposed to be your time together and he gave it away again without a second thought. You’re not sure if you should say something about feeling disappointed again. If you do, he might get upset, maybe even stay home out of obligation to you, not because he wanted to. If you don’t say something, resentment sets in. You think back on all the other times when something similar has happened. You say to yourself, "Wow, this happens a lot."
You are so agreeable to all his events, his nights out with friends, sports, game nights, activities he plans, and all the things he wants to do. Then, you think about how many events, social gatherings, girls’ nights out, and work opportunities you gave up for him. It feels unfair. You’re angry, but he’s already out the door without a second thought as to your time together. Now, relationship problems are common and normal. But, there’s a relationship imbalance here. Why and how did it get to this place?
Well, for starters, it was allowed. When you’ve had enough...Bam! The time bomb goes off, leaving him to say, "What just happened??!! You’ve never said anything to me in the past!" His bewilderment with your upset upsets you even more because you feel he should know what’s wrong, right? Unfortunately, no. Are you a ticking time bomb in your relationship, ready to go off at any moment?
Here are 5 little signs your repressed emotions are destroying your relationship:
1. Being agreeable all the time is wearing you down
No one is perfect. The need for you to have a perfect relationship is going to eventually crash and burn — big time! Being agreeable all the time is not only exhausting but it is also emotionally taxing and stressful. It sets your relationship up for failure. Being agreeable for the sake of looking like a great girlfriend/wife to save yourself from an argument builds up resentment over time. Being able to talk and come to an agreeable compromise is a sure way to stop the crash and burn. So, stop being so agreeable and mix it up a bit, ask for a compromise, "Are you forgetting our plans? If we finish early, how about meeting up with them afterward?"
2. You expect your partner to be a mind reader
A lot of people feel this way, they feel their partner should know exactly how they are feeling when they are feeling it because they share an intimate connection. I have yet to meet a telepathic partner who knows my every thought and feeling, although that would be nice to an extent. Yes, your partner should know you by now if you've been together for a long time. But, they still are not able to read your mind. If we cannot communicate with one another, our relationships will inevitably fail.
Communication is key! Letting our partners know how we are feeling and why we are feeling a certain way is a great start. They will never know what’s going on inside our heads unless we communicate and ask for the same in return. Never be afraid of communicating your thoughts, feelings, and needs to your partner in a positive dialect. If you are fearful of doing so, there may be an underlying issue that is preventing you. This needs to be explored more.
3. You feel resentment over an unequal partnership
If resentment starts to set in, put the brakes on your relationship immediately and get to the bottom of the underlying issue. Feeling unequal can put a huge strain on any relationship. Take a step back and look in from the outside. Think about why you may be feeling this way. Did you give up certain things because you felt it was right for your relationship? Did your partner ask this of you or did you decide this on your own?
Are you now feeling resentful over what you gave up for your partner? Do you feel they did not make a sacrifice for you or your relationship as you did for them? We cannot resent our partners if we decide to give up things they did not ask us to give up for them. If we make more money, we cannot resent our partners if they are happy in their career and they make less money than we do, especially if we knew this at the beginning of our relationship.
If we allow them the freedom to do what they want when they want, we cannot resent them for doing it. We need to take responsibility for our acceptance of the way things are and for our decisions. If you are unhappy, it’s time to make some positive lifestyle changes. Seek counseling together for coping skills before resentment gets the best of your relationship. Work together to create balance.
4. You're giving up friendships
At the beginning of any new relationship, we want to spend every waking moment with this new person to get to know them better. We expect our friends to understand and be there for us when we resurface. Friends usually understand to an extent. If it’s temporary and we return to normal socializing, our friendships will remain healthy. But, if we neglect them for a romantic relationship at length, they slowly fade.
If we decide to give up friendships and our partner keeps theirs we feel an imbalance. We may feel they don’t love us as much as we love them because we gave everyone up to be with them. Did your partner ask this of you? I believe the answer would be "no." If by chance your partner did expect you to give your friendship up for them, you will be resentful of your partner if you agreed.
Recognize this is an unhealthy request from your partner. In this situation, you may want to reevaluate your romantic partnership. Rebuild your old friendships by reaching out and inviting them over for dinner. Plan a movie night out or in. Meet up after work to catch up on life. You’d be surprised at how happy your friends will be to hear from you again.
5. You start feeling like a doormat
Lack of communication, not asking for compromise, and always agreeing to our partner's needs forgoing our own is the trifecta of becoming a doormat. The triple whammy. You’ve given your partner permission to dismiss you and your feelings. By always being agreeable, not communicating your feelings, and not asking for compromise you’ve turned yourself into a doormat unintentionally.
Your partner is taking advantage of the situation and the freedom you’re giving him. This does not excuse him for taking advantage of the situation. You thought you were being a fantastic girlfriend/wife until you no longer felt that way. You feel used and abused. Now, you’re placing blame on him for allowing your treatment by him, and in time you’re walking out the door.
No one wants to be a doormat and I believe no one intentionally wants to turn someone into one. When we permit people to dismiss our feelings and use us by not having boundaries in place, people will take advantage, even those closest to us. We need to communicate to our partners what we will and will not accept. Creating healthy boundaries and putting them in place to safeguard our well-being is a good place to start.
Boundaries convey self-confidence and self-worth to all around us. Having boundaries with your partner is extremely important for a balanced relationship. Boundaries help us say "no" to those last-minute changes in plans: "I understand these are last-minute plans and you want to go, but we have a day planned together and I feel it’s important for us to keep our commitment to one another."
If you feel good about the compromise discussed above, go for it! In the future, ask your partner to talk to you ahead of time before making plans that disrupt your time alone together. A few days in advance would be great so you can plan a day with the girls. Will things come up last minute? Of course! But if this is a pattern most likely you will need to work on communication and let your partner know you will not be accepting any more last-minute changes.
You have feelings and your time is valuable too. Consideration goes a long way and it’s not a hard thing to ask for or give. When we enter a romantic relationship, we hope to find another piece of ourselves, not lose ourselves. Take time to meet with friends and participate in activities you are interested in. Share your hobbies with your partner. Get all your friends together for a night out. Compromise when needed and communicate often. It’s okay now and then to bend but yielding all the time will break you. However, by learning how to communicate, you pave the way for healthy relationships. Be empowered to remove the ticking time bomb within and stop the countdown today!
Barbara Ann Bruno is a speaker, author, and professional fitness instructor. She has been featured on Dr. Laura, MSN, Professorhouse, Pop Sugar, Thrive Global, and more.