4 Little Moves That Instantly Spark Attraction, According To Psychology
Attraction goes far beyond surface-level good looks.
Yan Kolesnyk | Unsplash No matter your age, the way to connect with a man in the “I would be interested in going out with you” way is to flirt. It’s as true online as in person; flirtation isn’t about being a tease, it’s about showing your interest and curiosity — and piquing his.
When I suggest that to single women in my dating workshops and coaching programs, I can see them cringe. Most of these otherwise outgoing women have no idea how to flirt with men, nor do they want to. They consider it quite childish, bordering on classlessness.
But here's what you get when you don’t flirt with nice men: a nice conversation. That’s it. You’re likely to stay in the dreaded friend zone. That means online you’ll never hear from him again, and offline he might ask you for lunch, but that’s all you’re going to get. But you’re not looking for a buddy, right? You want to be seen as someone he will consider asking out.
Here are four little moves that instantly spark attraction:
1. Compliment him
Have you ever noticed that we use compliments to connect with other women? “I love your purse!” “Your job sounds amazing!” “You crack me up!”
Why don’t you do that with men? Granted, it takes a different approach, but everyone likes to be complimented. Men love to know that you consider them to be smart, capable, fascinating, and funny. A sincere compliment in those areas will give you a huge step forward toward connection. (Ahem: note the word “sincere.”)
You can tell him he has nice eyes, and he’ll appreciate it. But that won’t go so far as more substantive compliments. A confident, grownup good guy needs to hear more than you think he’s cute or you like his dog.
Tell him you agree with something he says; ask his opinion; let him suggest a book or restaurant; tell him you appreciate his jokes or that his business sounds interesting. Tell him you want to know more about something he’s interested in.
When you’re online, pick something that stands out to you that the other thousands of women may not. Saying you like his dog is what every woman says. Instead, tell him you think it’s cool that he’s an engineer and ask him what he likes to create. Men rarely receive compliments from women. When you do, you will stand out and he will take a second look.
2. Bare bits of your sweet soul
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Write like you’re chatting with him. I recommend that my clients ask and answer this question out loud: What do I like about him and what do I want him to know about me? Then just have a little conversation with yourself. This helps you get the words out so you can communicate genuinely and openly.
When you write, let him know some real stuff about you. Share a funny or embarrassing thing that happened to you today. That tells him that you’re willing to be open and not take things too seriously. (Those are attractive qualities, don’t you think?)
The psychology of attraction explores the various factors that influence attraction between individuals. These factors include physical attractiveness, similarity, reciprocity, familiarity, and intimacy. Evolutionary psychologists suggest certain physical features are desirable, while social psychologists emphasize the role of similarity in forming connections. Self-disclosure, where individuals share intimate information, can deepen attraction and build trust.
Tell him that you’re excited about taking your niece to the park and swinging on the swings with her. Tell him you’re studying French because you have dreams of going to Paris.
3. Show off a bit
This may be difficult for you; it is for many women. We aren’t used to talking about ourselves because we’ve been told it’s selfish and braggadocios. (Love that word!) Real ladies are humble and let the man shine, right? No. It’s nonsense.
You’ve got to get over this if you want to help men get to know you. They want you to talk about yourself! (At least the good guys do.) He’s only going to know how fabulous you are — and if you’re a good match — if you get some of your shiny stuff out.
Don’t be afraid to share your passions, interests, accomplishments, interesting life experiences, and plans for the future. You will get attention and get dates by showing the confidence to tell him who you are. You will be memorable and maybe just a bit enticing.
A warning though (as my husband says), men listen in headlines while women talk in stories! Don’t tell him long stories. Keep it brief, and if he’s a match for you, he will want more.
Initial impressions, while rapid, can significantly impact attraction, with factors like symmetrical facial features and healthy skin playing a role. The mere exposure effect suggests that repeated exposure to someone increases attraction due to familiarity and a sense of comfort. Furthermore, 2023 research explained that non-verbal cues like body language, tone of voice, and eye contact contribute to perceived attractiveness.
Whether online or off, you must show real and revealing glimpses of who you are and what you care about. The right guy will be drawn to you, and the wrong guy won’t. Isn’t that perfect?
4. Show clear interest
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A simple: “Nice talking to you” isn’t enough. Everyone says that, and it’s likely to be filed under the “she’s just being polite” category.
Instead, add something to that. “It was nice talking to you, Bob. It would be nice to do it again.” That makes it clear that you’re open, and it shows that ever-attractive confidence. (You can apply this every step of the way: It was great to get your email, Bob. I look forward to continuing our conversation…and so on.)
There’s a big difference between this and asking him out. After you deliver this line, stop! You have helped him feel safe and appreciated. He knows you will say yes if he asks. (Men appreciate this … just think of how many times they’ve heard “no” in their lives!) If he’s interested he will make a move.
The similarity-attraction effect suggests we are drawn to people who share our interests, values, and beliefs. Research by The Gottman Institute found that shared experiences, common hobbies, or subtle cues like similar dress or laughter can spark this connection.
One last note: Remember that if he doesn’t go for your attempt, he probably knows something you don’t know about why you’re not a good match. (He wants someone taller, is obsessed with something you don’t like, sees his last horrible girlfriend in you, etc.)
Don’t let it discourage you. You’ll get points in your dating karma bank by making him feel good about himself, and it will be easier to do it the next time with the guy who may be your perfect match. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking flirting is tacky or that you can’t be good at it. Even if it doesn’t come naturally, there is hope!
Use these techniques, keep on keepin’ on, and you’ll go from thinking of flirting as a necessary evil to looking forward to the next opportunity to strike up a connection and share yourself!
Bobbi Palmer is a relationship coach with decades of experience who helps her clients find real love, regardless of their age.
