8 Intrusive Thoughts Married Men Have That Can Rock Even Solid Marriages
Even the happiest husbands have fleeting, unspoken thoughts that can shake their sense of commitment and stability.
voronaman | Shutterstock Relationship anxiety and intrusive thoughts are pretty normal. Worries that your partner might not be telling you how they feel, that you’re losing your relationship with your kid, or that you might be having too many arguments, top the list of concerns that Dr. Dana Dorfman, a New York-based psychotherapist and relationship therapist, sees all the time when she works with couples.
But, the good news is that these anxieties are natural. That doesn’t mean that you should let them run amok: they need to be dealt with, talked through, and handled before they hurt your rock-solid marriage. But, you shouldn’t feel awful for having those intrusive thoughts or fears, either.
Here are the intrusive thoughts married men have that can rock even solid marriages:
1. 'I won't be able to financially provide'
voronaman / Shutterstock
The worry about whether or not they can provide for their family is something many men wrestle with after they start a family. Dorfman says she hears this often from new fathers, which is not a surprise. Work takes on new meaning when you have more mouths to feed and a nagging anxiety about what might happen if you lose this job and these benefits come with the territory.
Many men are also conditioned to see themselves as providers and feel responsible when they aren’t bringing home the bacon. This worry leads to men overworking, stressing about work when they’re not there, and being mentally unable to take their brains off the clock — which can strain a relationship that’s already burdened by children.
The only way to work through that anxiety — and not have it take over your life — is, per Dorfman, by talking through it.
“As cliche as it sounds, men are socially conditioned to avoid exposing emotional vulnerability,” she says. “There is great value in a relationship of unconditional acceptance, particularly when vulnerabilities are exposed. Just talk about the anxiety.”
2. 'My only value is as the breadwinner'
Chay_Tee / Shutterstock
One struggle that men face, often after having kids, is that their value might only be in their ability to financially provide for their family, above any and all other qualities they might bring to their relationship.
There’s a strong evolutionary component to that, even with contemporary values and paradigms, says Dorfman. Couples, she adds, need to address this soon and wives and partners can help soothe their husbands by validating other parts of the relationship — their role as a dad, their importance as a romantic partner — that are equally, if not more, important.
When a man is solely responsible for being the family breadwinner, it can negatively impact his mental health and well-being, often linked to societal pressure around masculinity and the expectation of being the primary income provider.
This potentially leads to stress, anxiety, and decreased life satisfaction, especially when faced with financial strain or job insecurity. Research has also shown that when partners share financial responsibility more equally, men experience better psychological outcomes.
3. 'I'm afraid to lose my wife's emotional support'
StockPhotoDirectors / Shutterstock
Kids change everything, particularly the nature of a marriage. Responsibilities build up and roles change. This gives rise to a lot of anxieties men have about becoming less important to their partners.
“If a partner is a new parent, they worry that their own needs are not going to be taken care of,” says Dorfman.
Men often go to their romantic partners for the bulk of their emotional support and after the baby, new moms are often occupied by their new kids. This, sometimes, can’t be helped, notes Dorfman. It’s important for new dads to, when they find that they can’t get the emotional energy they need from their partner, look elsewhere at times.
“It’s important to spread the wealth. Men should get support from other men and other fathers to replenish their emotional inventory and to have a place to express it,” says Dorfman.
In other words, getting out of the house every once in a while to play pick-up basketball with your buddies might help you gain perspective on those early years of parenting.
4. 'I'm afraid my marriage will start to feel stale'
Ground Picture / Shutterstock
With or without kids, long-term romantic relationships constantly need to be attended to, worked at, and intentionally maintained. When the relationship starts to feel stale, or disconnected, men might get anxious that their relationships are going down the tubes or that there is no longer a spark.
Dorfman recommends what she calls relationship refuelers: “Whether it’s a walk, vacations alone, or dinners out of the house — that can provide a great replenishment for a relationship and a reassurance of the romantic connection,” she says.
A man's fear of losing his wife in a romantic relationship, often stemming from attachment anxieties, can manifest in various ways, including heightened sensitivity to potential signs of disinterest, excessive reassurance seeking, and controlling behaviors, particularly when the man has a history of insecure attachment styles or past relationship trauma.
According to a 2018 study, this fear can also be linked to underlying anxieties about self-worth and the potential loss of identity within the partnership. Honest conversations about worries and fears with your partner can foster understanding and support.
5. 'Nobody in the family cares about what I want'
Krakenimages.com / Shutterstock
Men and women often experience intimacy differently in relationships — and whether or not they’re parents, they can struggle to maintain intimacy over the long course of a marriage.
Men, Dorfman says, have a lot of anxiety about this. “They wonder: will they continue to have their needs met? Will their desires be met by a partner?”
When these anxieties start to come to the forefront, Dorfman recommends that couples sit down and reaffirm what makes them tick. “A lot of times, men need intimacy to feel close; and women need to feel close to want intimacy.”
Knowing that can help couples move forward with intimacy in mind that makes sense for both — not just one — of them. (Intimacy schedules and no-phone zones help make time for intimacy, physical or not, as well.)
6. 'What if I have an affair?'
Prostock-studio / Shutterstock
In Dorfmans’ work, she’s found that a lot of men worry that, one day, they might cheat on their partner. “Men need to know that thoughts are different from actions. Being attracted to another person is not problematic,” she says.
It’s okay to mention that you have these thoughts about your partner, especially if you know you’d never want to act on them. The point is that vocalizing these thoughts will help you feel less guilty and make you realize how nuts they are in the first place.
7. 'What if my wife has an affair?'
Inside Creative House / Shutterstock
The anxiety that one’s husband or wife might cheat can be more intense and damaging than having worries that you might cheat instead. What starts as a natural, small-time anxiety can start to become a big, all-consuming problem in a relationship if not dealt with quickly.
“Owning the anxiety can be helpful. Ensure the anxieties are reality-based — not something historical or psychological if the person has infidelity in their past,” Dorfman says.
Ensuring that you engage and own these anxieties will, ideally, stop you from repeatedly accusing your partner of infidelity or worrying about it — two things that can seriously harm a relationship.
8. 'I won’t have time for myself anymore'
SB Arts Media / Shutterstock
“Men become anxious about their time and energy,” says Dorfman. Sometimes, relationships, marriages, and raising children can lead to a lot of personal schedule creep and men can find they’re unable to have time alone or do the things they love, like hobbies.
“Schedule time out,” says Dorfman. “State very explicitly that the boundary is not a rejection — it’s more of an emotional, solitary refuel,” she says.
Whether it’s an hour-long run on a Saturday or time spent in the woodworking shop, making sure that you have time to engage in the things that you love outside of your relationship is healthy for any relationship and can help tamper down feelings that you might be losing yourself to your partner, your responsibilities, or your kid.
A man's fear of losing personal time after marriage, often referred to as loss of autonomy or identity concerns, can stem from several factors including societal expectations of masculinity, personal values around independence, and anxieties about potential changes in lifestyle and hobbies once married.
A 2015 study concluded that this fear can manifest as hesitation toward commitment, particularly in men who prioritize their pursuits.
Lizzy Francis is a writer and editor who has had fiction and poetry published in magazines associated with New York University like the West 4th Street Review and the Gallatin Review.