5 Ways People Say 'I Want To Break Up' Without Even Realizing It
Simple words that sound like threats in tense situations.
Mixmike | Canva You feel annoyed with your partner. You tell them about it, but they respond with their own annoyance. You feel unheard, unimportant, and angered by their tone. This is where normal conversations turn into fights and people say things that sound like "I want to break up".
You escalate just a little. They match your tone and volume, throwing in a little sarcasm for good measure. You get a little louder to match their sarcasm with a bit of criticism. How did you get here? It was probably the threat one of you made without even realizing it.
Here are 5 seemingly innocent things people say that sound like 'I want to break up'
1. I’m done!
This phrase leaves too much ambiguity. Done with what: the relationship or this argument? Be more specific
Instead, try: This is getting heated. Let’s take a break!
2. I’m out of here!
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These words threaten your partner, and their nervous system will create a fear-based reaction, as explained by a study in Frontiers in Neuroscience.
Instead, try: I can’t take any more arguing. I’m going to calm down and be back soon to talk to you!
3. I can’t take this anymore!
In therapy, I urge couples to learn self-regulation to contain their reactivity and keep from saying such things to one another. It is critical to know to take a break, breathe deeply, and come back more calmly to solve the problem that annoyed you.
Instead, try: Wait, I need to take some breaths right now!
4. I’m leaving!
It’s essential to have peaceful communication where each of you listens to the other with understanding and empathy.
Instead, try: I love you, but I can’t do this right now!
5. I want a divorce!
The road to relational maturity is paved with our mistakes. Try to pay attention to how you may be threatening your partner when triggered and emotional.
Instead, try: I’m so mad I’m about to say things I don’t mean!
What to do instead of saying things that feel like a breakup
Remember why this happens
In this type of interaction with your partner, a lot is going on in our brains and nervous systems. When we are calm, our nervous systems are in a relaxed state, so what happens to disrupt this state?
Essentially, human beings are “wired for connection”. We are most calm when we feel safe and are connected. However, we are also “wired for survival”.
Because of a process called “neuroception,” as explored by research published by the American Psychological Association, we constantly check the environment for safety and danger. We must feel safe, or our survival drive kicks in.
When our partner’s body language, tone, volume, movements, words, or actions signal a lack of safety to our brains, we react. Our need to survive overrides our need to be in connection.
Share what sounds like 'I want to break up' and work to eliminate those phrases
Start when you are calm, and have a patient, loving conversation about what words, phrases and behaviors sound like "I want to break up with you" and make an effort to validate one another's feelings (rather than arguing that they are wrong or defending why you said it.)
With a little collaborative work, you and your loved one can stop the cycle of arguing and fighting and deepen your emotional connection. Learn to come back and communicate skillfully with your partner so you can solve your problems without threat.
Mary Kay Cocharo is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice in West Los Angeles, California.
