People In The Healthiest Marriages Prioritize One 'Unorthodox' Thing
Sometimes you have to look inward first.
Dean Drobot | Canva Last year, I did a six-month course of therapy that was based on Internal Family Systems (IFS) and nervous system regulation modalities.
If you’re unfamiliar with IFS, it’s a type of psychotherapy that explores and works with the different parts, or “subpersonalities,” that exist within an individual’s mind. The premise is that each person’s psyche is composed of various parts, each with its unique characteristics, beliefs, and emotions.
Long story short, the healthiest marriages prioritize this one thing.
It's about building an awareness, understanding, and compassionate attitude toward these parts to help develop a healthier relationship with yourself.
One of the stand-outs of this therapy for me is realizing that each of my parts, in the variety of ways they show up in my reactions, behaviors, and thought patterns, all have the same job — to keep me safe. Safe from feeling out of control. Safe from real or perceived danger. Safe from the hurt of human relationships.
This is where the nervous system regulation stuff comes in. By learning how to work with our systems when activated and create a feeling of calm, we can slowly but surely give our part some reassurance that they may not need to show up as often, or in such a strong way. Or maybe it’s safe for them to show up and shine more often.
I completed this course of therapy while in the thick of what I call my ‘aggressively dating era’, and it wasn’t long before I started to notice I was prioritizing one feeling over all others when connecting with someone new. So often in the quest to find our perfect match, we focus on compatibility, shared interests, and chemistry.
While these are crucial elements, there’s one fundamental aspect that started to stand out for me and it’s the same one all of my parts are so very focused on: safety.
I’d go so far as to say that feeling safe in a relationship, regardless of how progressed it is, is not just a luxury; it’s a necessity. Without it, even the most promising relationship can falter.
When we talk about safety in relationships, we’re not just referring to physical safety, although that is important. Emotional safety is equally vital. It’s about feeling secure, respected, and valued for who you are. When you feel safe, you can be vulnerable, open, and authentic. You can express your thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment or reprisal.
But why is safety so crucial? Surprise, surprise — it all comes down to our nervous system.
When we feel unsafe, whether consciously or unconsciously, our nervous system goes into overdrive. We become hyper-vigilant, constantly on edge, and unable to fully relax. This can manifest as anxiety, insecurity, or even defensiveness in our connections with others.
If you don’t feel safe in a relationship, you won’t be able to bring your best self to the table. Instead, you’ll bring a version of yourself that is anxious, overstimulated, and unable to fully connect. You might disengage, start a fight, or ruminate on otherwise inconsequential things. Even if your potential partner is the most amazing person on the planet, you may unconsciously sabotage the relationship because deep down, you don’t feel safe.
So, how can you prioritize safety when seeking a partner?
First, work out what you need to feel safe. Understanding what has felt safe and unsafe to you in the past can also be enlightening. Use this knowledge as a guide when evaluating potential partners. Look for someone who respects your boundaries, communicates openly, and makes you feel valued and secure. You might also need things like physical touch, daily communication, and regular check-in conversations. It’s okay to ask for what you need to feel safe.
Then, and I can’t recommend this enough, start by doing the work to understand and regulate your nervous system. This includes both being able to identify when your system is activated and what to do to regulate yourself. Things that have worked wonders for me in this space are journaling, meditation, breathwork, and yoga. It could look like a version of this for you, and could also include things like therapy, exercise, and diet. But once you understand how to work in partnership with your system, you’ll notice just how crucial it is to stay aware of your triggers and know how to work through them with yourself.
While compatibility and chemistry are important, they won’t sustain a relationship without a foundation of safety. By prioritizing emotional safety in your relationships, you can create a healthy, fulfilling partnership that nurtures and supports both partners. And your relationship with yourself will be the strongest one you have.
Evie Gray is a writer who seeks to create connections by sharing her experiences of life, love, loss, and joy. She frequently publishes her pieces on Medium and is a regular contributor to Mamamia.