The Happiest Couples Chose One Another Because Of This #1 Feature
There aren't enough guides for how to know who to marry.
filipefrazao | Canva What is love? We've all heard the depressing love songs that make us feel like we're bound to struggle in relationships for the rest of our lives. You know, like... love stinks, or love hurts, or love wounds.
Those well-worn phrases exist for a reason: people must see love as hard. Even our friends and family warned us when we were teenagers to not rush into love because it was dangerous and a lot to manage. Maybe we even watched our parents struggle to find love. Regardless of why, too often we have no model for what actually makes a happy marriage: fun.
Happy couples chose their partners because life together was fun
Maybe back when you were a teenager, you looked at your parents like they had three heads when they told you love was going to take a lot of hard work. You weren't experiencing the downsides of relationships, but rather the fun and fabulousness that young first love can be.
But then you ran into your first troubles with a partner, or you had your first major breakup, or someone cheated on you with your best friend. You tried to repair the relationship and move past the mistrust, but you found yourself unable to let it go.
This is probably where you learned the lie that love is supposed to be hard.
Take that record off the player immediately. Yes, sometimes in love there will be struggles and you will have to work at it, but that should not be the whole story. Love should be wonderful and enjoyable the majority of the time with just a little maintenance work thrown in on the side.
Find someone who agrees: love and relationships should be fun
Someone with a strong sense that love is hard might inadvertently make that belief a self-fulfilling prophecy, as suggested by the APA. They may make your relationship harder than it has to be by chipping away at the love you have with the pressure to always be working hard on it.
People who think love is hard might also cause tension when there doesn't need to be any, because if things are going smoothly, it might make them question if it's real love. They might want to overanalyze every single thing you say and do to figure out what it means for the relationship. They might even be more interested in arguing than talking through things. And compromise? Your partner might not think that's even a possibility.
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Well, that attitude is preferable, but just feeling like someone is all perfect and your relationship is golden could just be an unconscious, early relationship strategy on both of your part. Aren't you always nicer and more agreeable in the early stages of love?
The Handbook of Communication and Social Interaction Skills discussed how we tend to be on our best behavior early on, letting things go much easier than we would if we had been with a guy for years. Once the relationship becomes seasoned, we've already settled into being more of our real, everyday selves.
Once you've been with someone long enough to have seen each other's good and bad sides, how does the love feel? You don't want your mate or you to feel completely nonchalant about the relationship because that could equal a sense of not caring.
When we're not thinking long-term about someone, we're not going to be as willing to work on things at all. Someone might even be quick to leave if things do start to get hard because that's not what they see as true love.
If you don't want love to be hard, you have to stop expecting it to be
If you're with a guy who is seriously making you think love is hard and that's just the truth of it, ask yourself if you want your life to be hard, because whether you like to admit it or not, your love relationship sets a lot of the tone for your whole life, as explored by an APA study.
Life is hard enough as it is, you've got enough challenges with work and family. You don't want to be constantly working on your marriage. You should feel at the heart of it that your love is strong and can stand on its foundation.
Ask yourself what your goals are for life and relationships. Do you want to have a loving, balanced partnership with someone? How is that ever going to happen if you're feeling like just getting along with this person or getting anything done is hard?
Your love should be joyful and fun the majority of the time.
You'll face trials together throughout your lives, but you can face those when you have an attitude of amending, improving, and moving forward, not a feeling of this is difficult work.
Love should be one of the most joyous parts of your life. You get to choose, so consciously decide to be with someone who brings you joy and makes you feel like love will always be a discovery and learning experience, not a line from a sad love song.
Sheila Hageman is a writer who has appeared on The Today Show, ABC News, NBC News, and programs with Bill Cunningham and Anderson Cooper. Her writing has been featured in Salon, Mamalode, Mom Babble, and The Huffington Post.