7 Psychologist-Approved Ways To Manage Anger Without Hurting The Person You Love
How to handle conflict the healthy way.
Polina Zimmerman | Canva Isn't it ironic how the people we love most also push our buttons the most? Whether it's your spouse, children, family, or friends, fights will occasionally happen. But those fights don't have to damage the bonds we have with these people — if we express our anger the right way.
Anger is a raw, real, powerful emotion we all feel — each of us displays this emotion differently. The APA explains that when anger gets out of control, people can make choices they regret and harm important relationships. Knowing what to do when you're mad at someone you love takes a bit of effort, but it is well worth it for the sake of your relationships.
Here are 7 psychologist-approved ways to manage anger without hurting the person you love:
1. Say what you're feeling and why you care
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It's okay to tell the person you're angry about this particular situation, but also let them know clearly that even though you're angry, you still love them. This is extra important when a child is involved.
2. Don't stop showing up just because you’re mad
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Sometimes, it takes a while for the air to clear during or after an argument. In the meantime, keep doing what you normally would for the person you love.
If you normally cook the meal or help with an activity, still do it. Suddenly, refusing to make the coffee just because you're angry shows immaturity and only makes the situation worse.
3. Put it on paper before you say it out loud
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Anger needs an outlet, but lashing out causes irreparable damage to relationships. Writing can be very therapeutic, as shown by a study published in the Annals of Behavioral Medicine.
It gives you space to safely express how you feel. Once you let the pent-up anger, hurt, and/or confusion out, you can usually think (and communicate) with a much clearer mind.
Sometimes, writing a letter to the person you're upset with can also help you articulate what you're hurt and angry about (and why), but with space for reflection. You can edit and refine your points to ensure your words communicate the real issue honestly yet respectfully, and explain that you love the person still.
4. Keep your conflict off the internet
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Do not write about your anger (or the other person's) on social media under any circumstances! If you typically put everything on social media, don’t this time. Honor the privacy of your relationship.
This shows your loved one that you respect what is happening between the two of you, value them and their dignity, and won't offer their mistakes up for the world to judge.
5. Do something kind, even if it's small
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Break the tension between you by doing something small, like watching the TV show you know the other person wants to watch (even if you don’t like it). Do this without resentment. After all, you love this person and want them to know it.
6. Ask how they're feeling, too
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Your point of view is not the only perspective to consider in this situation. Ask the person you're angry with to share what's going on for them.
Create a safe space where they can be honest about the situation so you can understand both sides of the story, as shown in research by Barbara Mae Gayle.
As Dr. Phil says, “No matter how flat you make a pancake, it’s always got two sides.” So, seek out their side and then be quiet and truly listen when they speak (even when you see things differently).
7. When you're ready, go for the hug
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This one might just be the hardest gesture to do. But after everything else — the conversation, the writing, the listening — if you can manage a real hug, then give it a go (especially with children!). Nothing says “I love you (even though I am so mad at you)” like a genuine hug!
Ira Roseman's study explores the functions of anger in the emotion system; it is important to remember that anger is just a cover-up for a whole basket of other emotions, like hurt, pain, guilt, shame, fear, or resentment. Once your anger diminishes (and it usually does), that's when you see the real emotions below it.
Anger can mess up a relationship, so be careful what you say in the heat of the moment and how you manage it afterward!
Leanne Allen is a psychologist and Life Coach at Reconnect Wellness Centre.
