4 Early Signs A Marriage Is Doomed, According To Psychology
Your happily ever after might be doomed to failure.
Lia Bekyan | Unsplash Are you considering couples counseling? Are you wondering whether you should even try to make it work in your marriage or if there are signs it is doomed to fail? If so, help is on the way.
Author and YourTango Expert Ashley Seeger explains how she guesses a couple's odds of survival. "You can tell when a couple walks into your office if their marriage is going to make it or not."
Here are 4 early signs a marriage is doomed, according to psychology:
1. Neither partner is willing to make an effort
"You can never tell 100 percent when somebody walks into your office what is going to happen with a couple. I've had couples that have amazed me with the amount of change they have managed to accomplish in a small amount of time," Ashley Seeger says.
Before you start looking for a divorce attorney, consider the problems in your relationship carefully and remember doom is not 100% predictable. Research from Fort Hays State University on conflict and satisfaction in romantic relationships supports that most marriage conflicts can be resolved if the couple is willing to make the effort.
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2. One or both partners use communication barbed with contempt
She continues, "One of the things that send up red flags when a couple walks in is when I see a lot of non-verbal communication." When you see contempt in the non-verbal communication of a couple, it always indicates a deeper problem. which has likely gone on for a long time. Repeated non-verbal communication easily becomes habitual. Contempt is anger expressed towards someone you believe to be beneath you, and if you believe your spouse is beneath you, the relationship is critically out of balance, as shown by research from The Gottman Institute.
3. One or both partners seem resentful of each other
Non-verbal contempt can be demonstrated in various forms, it can look like an eye roll, be heard as a sigh, be shown as a "talk to the hand" gesture, or so many other possible actions and gestures that communicate contempt, frustration, or resentment.
Ashley Seeger explains, "When I see contention in communication, I usually give a couple 50-50 chance of survival. A great couple is when there is a lot of generosity, curiosity, intimacy, and love. There is nothing that will squash all of those things quicker than contempt." Contempt blocks the forgiveness that is crucial to resolution and marital satisfaction, as demonstrated in a National Library of Medicine study from 2012.
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4. The relationship has been severed by non-verbal communication
Nonverbal contempt is especially detrimental to a relationship because it derails the potential for resolution. Research from DePauw University on perception and communication of nonverbal emotion in close relationships explores how there's no way to respond to someone who has habituated to non-verbal contempt in their communication. It is like they have locked away any idea of resolving conflict and have resigned themselves to a life and relationship of ill will.
If you use contempt in your non-verbal communication with your partner, it is a roadblock to moving forward with any intimacy in your relationship, as suggested by a study on dispositional contempt. You need to stop because it is sending a clear signal to your partner to keep their distance, emotionally and eventually physically.
If contention has already entered your relationship, you might consider speaking with a couple's counselor to help you find a path back to resolution, understanding, and love.
Want to learn more? Check out the video below:
Ashley Seeger, LCSW, is an experienced couples counselor who specializes in working with couples as they move through life transitions.