How To Tell If You're In A Confusing Situationship Or Promising 'Slow-Burn' Relationship
We're getting comfortable asking the age-old question: What are we?
kevkevtruong / Shutterstock.com Modern dating is not for the faint of heart. No matter how long you've been in the game, it can be difficult to truly understand where you stand.
Dating expert Talia Koren is trying to make the online dating landscape a little easier to navigate. In an Instagram post, Koren offered some simple guidelines to help differentiate between a “situationship” with vague labels and a “slow-burn” relationship with the potential to grow.
Here are 5 ways to decipher whether you’re in a confusing situationship or a promising ‘slow-burn’ relationship:
1. Examine your relationship goals
While casual dating can be healthy in many cases, there’s one thing that sets “casual” apart from a confusing and toxic situationship – being on the same page. If you’re not looking for a serious relationship and you know that your casual partner is also not searching for one — you’re in a situationship.
If you know you’re looking for something more serious and your“partner” is not — that’s not a “slow burn.” It’s just a waste of your time. Casual dating is great, but if your end goal is to find a serious partner, don’t break your own heart or sabotage your time dating by putting all your eggs in one basket.
2. Think about how they treat you compared to what they want
Oftentimes, in a culture where casual dating moves fast and situationships move faster, love-bombing can blind you from the reality of your situation. If your “partner” is treating you like you’re already a girlfriend, boyfriend, or partner — but hasn’t taken you on a serious date or committed to exclusivity — that’s likely a situationship.
On the other hand, if someone treats you like a new friend—maybe sprinkled with some flirting and casual physical contact—they’re probably trying to get to know you better.
These kinds of “slow-burn” relationships can be hard to initially label, as they often start as friendships, but they grow into something founded on honesty, trust, and companionship.
Being open to casual hangouts and conversations without the eagerness to force exclusivity right away will not only protect you from investing too much time in the wrong people, but it will also open up the door to more than just intimate connections or situationships.
3. Examine the consistency of your communication
In our digital age, where most dating conversations happen online, it can be easy to accept love-bombing as something intentionally honest and true. However, if all of your conversations with an intimate partner or casual date are happening online — from discussions of past relationships to your favorite color — that can be a red flag.
“A situationship may text you a lot for a week, then completely drop off,” Koren wrote, “but insist that they’re interested (and don’t make plans with you).”
As for “slow-burn” relationships that are likely looking for more, their texting habits may be radically different — but not in a bad way.
While they may be less present over text, they’re consistent—never making you second-guess plans or whether they’re interested or not. “They actively make plans to hang out,” she added, “in real life.”
4. Did they rush into physical intimacy, or are they communicative about your boundaries?
“Situationships will sleep with you and then tell you they’re not looking for anything serious,” Koren explained, adding that they might even be dishonest about their intentions just to move forward with physical activities. “But, they’ll want to keep sleeping together,” even after getting honest about their casual intentions.
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While it’s perfectly healthy to have a casual physical connection with someone, it’s essential to be communicative as feelings change and priorities shift. Continuing to see someone (or sleeping with someone) who doesn’t respect your boundaries or intentions is not helping anyone in the long run.
“Slow burns are aware of rushing physical intimacy and check in with you before taking that step.” Physical intimacy is a big step, especially for serious or long-term relationships, so it’s important to always be cognizant of someone else’s intentions or feelings toward getting intimate.
6. Do you discuss the future?
“Situationships will date for 3 months without talking about dating goals, intentions, or where you stand,” Koren said, “and that can make you anxious.” Oftentimes, this is where the toxicity of confusing situationships sets in. The more you hang out or become physically intimate, the more your feelings inevitably change.
“Slow burns date for 3 months while discussing dating goals, intentions, and where you stand, which makes you feel more secure.”
At the end of the day, when it comes to dating, you have to trust yourself above all else. Make your intentions clear and demand the same in return.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a News & Entertainment Writer at YourTango who focuses on health & wellness, social policy, and human interest stories.