Therapist Says Couples Whose Relationships Have These 7 Traits Rarely Make It
Avoid these traits to ensure that your relationship continues to be healthy and loving.
pics five | Shutterstock When we think about the qualities that can make a relationship last, it's often things like good communication, trust, respect, loyalty, and empathy. Being able to work through problems with your partner and being able to understand each other's needs and expectations create a foundation for a compassionate and loving partnership.
However, a therapist named Dr. Nicole LaPera revealed in an Instagram post that there are a plethora of traits that, if they show up in a relationship, can often be detrimental to its longevity.
A therapist explained that couples whose relationships have these 7 traits rarely make it:
1. They have no boundaries with family
LaPera, a couple's therapist, admitted that she often sees certain traits show up within her client's relationships, and the top one happens to include family. She said that couples who share relationship issues with their family members and, in turn, have family members involve themselves in their relationship troubles only make things worse.
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This creates a lack of trust between partners that results in friction within the couple and, inevitably, with family members as well. It's fine if you want to discuss issues with your family as a way to come to a solution, but it's also important to remember that your family members are not in your relationship.
Michelle Landeros, a licensed marriage and family therapist, told the knot, "While advice and guidance are often appreciated, these suggestions must not become coercion or criticism. Respecting the couple's autonomy strengthens their bond and decision-making confidence." Basically, extended family should only give advice when it's asked for.
2. They make worst-case assumptions
"They assumed their partner's intentions were malicious or negative instead of being curious, they were accusatory," LaPera wrote. She pointed out that this behavior is common with C-PTSD, which is why trauma healing in partnerships is important. If you've been hurt in the past, whether by a former significant other or someone you once considered a close friend/family member, it can be hard to imagine something similar not happening again.
That's why communication and understanding are vital in a relationship; unless you confront your partner about things they've said or done, you won't get the full story. It's always better to get the full story instead of turning to assumption because a premature decision can irreparably harm a relationship.
3. They never fight
We often glorify couples who never fight. We think it's because they're just so in love and have zero problems. We think it's healthier when people don't fight, but that's not the case. If you truly love and care about someone, fighting with them is normal. Of course, if you're fighting constantly, then that's a different issue, but only through disagreements can you resolve problems.
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"This usually comes from one partner avoiding or suppressing their issues," LaPera observed. "When one partner would finally reach their boiling point, the other partner would be confused because they seemingly never disagreed."
It's better to confront something once it bothers you than brush things under the rug because, at some point, it's going to come out, and by that point, it's sometimes too late to control the fallout. That's why it's better to always bring up an issue that is bothering you, whether big or small.
4. One person is the 'pusher'
LaPera wrote, "This leads to resentment because one partner feels like a project."
While the pusher may have good intentions, wanting to see their partner reach their full potential or become the kind of person they need in that relationship, no one can force someone else to change anything about themselves. It's up to that person to change, and if you find yourself yearning for your partner to become someone else, then you might have to rethink the relationship entirely.
5. They have unrealistic expectations
There should always be good moments in a relationship, but it's naive to think that the entirety of a relationship will be rainbows and sunshine. There will be challenging moments and times when your partner might be going through something, and you will have to show up in ways that you never thought you'd have to.
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A mature relationship comes with ups and downs, and it's important to remember that when things are especially hard.
LaPera described these types of couples as people who "struggle with maturity and the awareness that relationships, like life, can be difficult or boring." A relationship should have its exciting moments, but sometimes, the mundane moments are just as important.
6. They don't let little things go
LaPera described this as "low frustration tolerance and rigid ways of interacting." Adding, "Without discernment to know when to focus on it, they became highly critical and draining to each other."
It's always important to address any serious problems or issues that arise in your relationship, but sometimes, we need to become comfortable with letting the tiny things go. The things that are not in our control sometimes don't need to be addressed, and it's definitely helpful to pick your battles.
Etiquette expert, Jacqueline Whitmore, told ABCNews, "Healthy relationships hinge on a couple's ability to know which issues are worth fighting over and which ones are worth letting go."
7. They do not know how to repair
"In relationships, we will hurt people," LaPera pointed out. "Repair is the act of apologizing, listening (even when it's hard), and promising to do better. Instead of repair, there was defensiveness & deflection."
Sometimes, our actions don't always have the same impact. Even if you didn't intend a negative result, sometimes actions can end up hurting your partner's feelings. In that case, you're apologizing for the impact that your actions had, even if you don't personally think that it was justified.
Putting your feelings aside to tend to your partner in whatever emotional distress they may be feeling should always be the most important thing.
Nia Tipton is a staff writer with a bachelor’s degree in creative writing and journalism who covers news and lifestyle topics that focus on psychology, relationships, and the human experience.