Couples Who Love Deeply But Struggle To Get Along Often Have These 10 Fights Over And Over Again
Conflicts are inevitable, but if you're arguing over the same thing repeatedly, watch out.
Krakenimages.com | Shutterstock Couples often face conflicts around common sources of disagreement, so being able to maintain harmony in the relationship becomes challenging. From differences in family dynamics to financial decisions and observing traditions, these issues can spark arguments and strain the bond between partners.
However, with effective communication and a willingness to compromise, it is possible to avoid these repeated common fights and foster a healthier relationship. Often, with the application of practical strategies, you can build a stronger foundation of understanding and mutual respect, and ultimately strengthen your connection with your partner.
Couples who love deeply but struggle to get along often have these ten fights over and over again:
1. The mother-in-law fight
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His mom hates your cooking. He says she's just being helpful.
Relationship coach Ellen Nyland recommended, "Family is there to stay, so you have a choice to make. You can fight them and make everybody miserable, plus put your relationship in danger. Or you decide to always be civil to them.
"This choice makes it easier on family functions and the relationship. This doesn't mean you have to become fully involved in the family and go to every function. You just decide to be civil when you do."
How to fix it: Address her directly, with this non-threatening formula: "I feel [insert your feeling here] when you [her action here]. Please [what you want her to do]." Example: "I feel bad when you criticize my cooking. Please don't tell me my food is awful, even if you don't like it."
2. The money fight
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You want to throw a party. He says you can't afford it.
"Arguments about money are the second-leading cause of divorce in the U.S., behind only infidelity, warns money coach Pegi Burdick. "It doesn't have to be that way. Paying attention is the most profound form of love. Being present tells your partner, sibling, friend, or child, you hear them — they matter. Being heard and then respected for those concerns is the cornerstone of a solid relationship, regardless of its nature."
How to fix it: Create a budget in advance that takes into account all related expenses. Decide how much you'll spend on each expense and don't deviate.
3. The travel fight
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You missed your flight because he couldn't find his scarf.
"The worst time to address, repair, resolve, or deal with what got to you is when you are upset," advises psychotherapist Carole H. Spivack. "Avoid discussing what occurred at that moment at all costs, or at least to whatever extent you can. You may not be thinking clearly and may perceive the situation in a biased way. Give yourself time to digest what happened. How can you step back and give yourself time in the heat of the moment?”
How to fix it: Travel is stressful for everyone, and in frustration, we lash out at the nearest person, who is usually our spouse. Try to avoid placing blame and, remember, he's upset about missing the flight, too.
4. The location fight
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He wants to spend time with his family. You want to spend it with yours.
"Understand that blending two families isn't going to happen overnight," author and break-up expert Lisa Steadman says. "You may still want to maintain your family traditions separately at first, for example, one holiday with one family, the next day with the other. This is healthy and normal."
How to fix it: Find a compromise, which means both of you have to give a little.
5. The gift fight
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You got him an iPad. He got you a $25 gift card.
Relationship coach Melody Chadamoyo clarified, "When you give a gift, even if you didn't do it to be praised, you need to allow the person who is receiving from you to give back with their gratitude. It is the ebb and flow of life. This communication style will allow you to learn to be much happier and confident with yourself."
How to fix it: "Discuss what gift-giving means to you within your budget," says dating coach Julie Spira. "Agree ahead of time on a ballpark amount of what you'll spend and on the nature of your gifts."
6. The family fight
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You feel smothered by his family. He doesn't understand what your "deal" is.
"The differences between you and your partner are not negative; rather, differences are something you should embrace," suggested psychotherapist Lynda Klau, PhD. "It's what makes us unique, after all. You don't need a relationship with someone who shares all of your interests and views. That would just be boring, right?"
How to fix it: Take some time for yourself. Exercise, offer to walk the dog, or volunteer at a soup kitchen. He can't be mad at you for doing good.
7. The kids fight
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You want to give the kids everything they want. He says you're spoiling them.
Money coaches Taylor and Megan Kovar advised, "Most of us prefer to spend the bulk (or large quantity) of our time with the people who matter most to us. And just like you want lots of time with them, they want (and need) a solid quantity of time with you. You. No one replaces you (or that time). No one. So figure out how to make quality time with your family happen from now on."
How to fix it: Create a list together. Limit yourself, and let him voice his concerns and reasons for placing limits. Work together to create a satisfactory list of items and activities that satisfy the wants and needs of your children, as well as your partner.
8. The traditions fight
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He wants to skip the obligatory cultural tradition. You don't.
"When couples get married, they’re promising to love one another for better or worse, and part of that promise means not acting selfishly," advised relationship coach Brad Browning. "At its worst, selfishness is controlling, manipulative, jealous, possessive, and abusive. In milder forms, it can be seen in a lack of consideration and respect."
How to fix it: Explain why this tradition is important to you and try to understand why he wants to skip it. This two-way empathy should help you discuss without arguing and, hopefully, find a middle ground.
9. The time fight
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He says you're working too much. You say you're trying to earn a big bonus to pay for all your expenses.
Family coach Keith Dent said, "Relationships can be strained when you're not on the same page when it comes to your family, so create a family goal for the year. Getting on the same financial page as your partner can be a challenge, especially when it comes to longer-term goals, because you almost always feel you can put it off until another day."
How to fix it: Plan some family- or couple-oriented activities and put them on your calendar, in red ink. He'll feel good knowing you've committed time to him, and you'll feel good knowing you can work the rest of the time.
10. The exhaustion fight
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One or both of you is exhausted, and you take it out on each other.
How to fix it: When you feel yourself getting angry, ask yourself, "Am I mad at him, or am I just stressed in general?" To help alleviate stress, psychologist Dr. Carolyn Daitch recommends this breathing exercise: "Take five deep breaths, inhaling to the count of five and exhaling to the count of eight."
Conflicts are inevitable in any relationship, but they don't have to be harmful. By addressing the common disagreements in your relationship and implementing practical strategies to avoid them, partners can create a more harmonious and fulfilling relationship.
Open and honest communication, empathy, and compromise are key ingredients in resolving disputes and strengthening your bond. Remember, it's not about avoiding conflicts altogether, but rather navigating them in a way that promotes understanding, growth, and mutual satisfaction.
By applying the tips and techniques in this list, you can overcome these challenges, cultivate a healthier dynamic, and create a solid foundation for a lasting and fulfilling partnership.
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