13 Things Your Mother-In-Law Secretly Thinks About Your Marriage
What your mother-in-law really thinks and judges you on as a daughter-in-law.
PixelsEffect | Canva Let's face it: no one wants a Jennifer Lopez-Jane Fonda Monster-In-law situation. But that's fiction, right? *gulp* This is the woman who gave birth to him and knows him probably better than you do, no matter how long you've been married, engaged, or dating.
Chances are you've built a relationship with your mother-in-law. So, keep or build a better relationship with his mother by remembering these things your mother-in-law would like to say about your marriage, but won't (you hope!).
Here are the things your mother-in-law secretly thinks about your marriage:
1. I spent a couple of decades being the leading lady; now I have a character role
It hurts to be downsized. This likely means she feels a complex mix of emotions tied to loss of control, identity shift, and potential feelings of displacement, often stemming from a deep-rooted need to feel important and central to her family unit.
2. I know he's your husband now, but he's still my son
BearFotos / Shutterstock
For many mothers, particularly those who have been heavily involved in their son's life, the arrival of a daughter-in-law can feel like a significant shift in their power dynamic. A 2020 study concluded that they might perceive their role as primary caregivers and decision-makers as diminishing.
3. You don't seem very confident about yourself
The littlest comment from me is taken as a criticism, so I'm very careful what I say around you. When a mother-in-law perceives a lack of confidence in her daughter-in-law, it can trigger a psychological dynamic in which she feels the need to be more cautious with her words. This often stems from a combination of wanting to be supportive, feeling responsible for her son's happiness, and potentially underlying anxieties about her position within the family unit.
4. Every year, I send you a birthday present, but you never even pick up the phone to thank me
This year, I said, "That's it. No more." Yet look at me: I'm about to send another present. I guess that's how I am.
This could signify a complex mix of emotions, including resentment, passive aggression, poor boundaries, a desire to maintain distance, or even a deep-seated conflict with her that you might not be consciously addressing. A study from the Journal of Happiness Studies suggested that unconscious resentment from past interactions with your mother-in-law might influence your behavior without fully realizing it.
5. We mothers say to our children, 'I want you to be happy,' but we want to be happy, too
And we mean that. What we don't say is, "But I would like to be happy too." This reflects a complex interplay of emotions, often stemming from a deep maternal instinct to protect and nurture, coupled with the potential for feelings of displacement or a need for validation within the family dynamic, particularly when a new partner enters the picture.
6. I've bought and sold thirteen houses in my life — why won't you ask for my advice?
Why won't you ask for my advice? According to an American Psychological Association study, this can trigger feelings of being undervalued, rejected, or even losing control, often stemming from a deep-rooted desire to feel needed and meaningful within the family dynamic.
This is particularly true if she has a strong maternal instinct or has historically played a more central role in decision-making. Actively seek her input on specific areas where her experience is relevant, showing appreciation for her knowledge and perspective.
7. When I visit you, I'm not coming for a white-glove inspection
Monkey Business Images / Shutterstock
I'm just coming to see the family. They might project anxieties about not meeting her perceived cleanliness or household management standards onto her.
8. When I want to talk to my son privately, I don't call your house
I call his cell phone. There is a desire to avoid potential conflict with you, a subconscious need to maintain a special bond with her son, or a fear of overstepping boundaries within your established family unit. Research by the National Association of Social Workers suggested she might be trying to navigate a delicate balance between wanting to connect with her son and respecting your space as a couple.
9. I'm so happy you allow my son to visit me on Mother's Day
It's a long trip and a big expense. I'm truly appreciative. There is a desire to feel valued and included in her son's life after marriage, the need for reassurance that her relationship with him is still essential, and a sense of validation that she is still considered a significant figure in his life. However, the dynamic can be complex and influenced by the individual mother-in-law's personality and the relationship between the couple.
10. My dirty little secret: I'm afraid that if I don't get this right, you'll cut me off
She is likely experiencing a mix of anxieties related to fear of abandonment, a desire for approval, and potential underlying issues with control and boundary setting. A study from Personality and Individual Differences concluded this often stems from a deep need to maintain a close relationship with her child and a fear of losing that connection if she doesn't meet your expectations.
11. I sometimes compete with your mother
She takes you on vacations every year and buys things I can't afford. All I can do is love you and babysit for you. I hope that's enough and that it's appreciated. This can stem from a complex mix of psychological factors, often rooted in a perceived loss of closeness with their son after he marries, leading to feelings of insecurity about their position in the family dynamic and sometimes even unconscious competition for attention and validation from their child.
12. I'm lucky to have you
You do all the right things. I'm lucky to have you! This will trigger a mix of feelings, including a sense of being particularly cared for and potentially feeling valued and appreciated. However, research from The Marriage & Family Review found there may also be a subtle undercurrent of comparison or a need to validate how well she is being treated compared to other family members or guests.
13. I cherish the refrigerator magnet you gave me: "Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill."
In the end, communication always matters. Just know that you are a second daughter (or only daughter) to her, and she just wants what is best for her (not so) little boy. Let this be a reassurance that you are a good daughter-in-law.
Susan Abel Lieberman, Ph.D. is a life coach, end-of-life consultant, and the author of The Mother-in-Law's Manual.
Jane Angelich Jane Angelich is the CEO and executive coach of Vista Florida, and the author of What's a Mother [in-Law] to Do?