The Common Habit People Think Is Healthy But Actually Poisons Relationships From The Inside Out
Couples have been doing this for generations, but it's never actually worked.
BBernard via Shutterstock Keeping score will quickly unravel a relationship. It begins innocently enough, but it ends with huge fights, lots of resentment, and plenty of hostility. The worst part? People do it without knowing how damaging it is to relationships.
Why is keeping score so unhealthy? Because we don't award points for love, kindness, or generosity. We also tend notice negatives like, "I've done the dishes five times and he did it only once" and not, "He picked up my dry cleaning for me without being asked". But there are ways to stop the bad habit and appreciate more love.
How to break the common habit of keeping score so you can stop poisoning your relationship
1. Acknowledge and admit that you come from a scorekeeping family
If you are aware of your parents modeling this for you, make sure you tell your partner early in the relationship. If you ask them before using this method to help you not use it (in a kind way, not a tit-for-tat way) they will be more likely to listen and help.
People who keep score often begin this behavior as a way to teach the other partner a lesson. Hurt within the relationship is never just hurt; it turns into wanting to hurt someone else so he/she will suffer and know what it feels like. The problem with that is that we are all sensitive to different things, and what hurts one person looks childish or punitive to another.
Most of the people who do this were raised by parents who kept score, as suggested by a study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. It is an immature coping mechanism for dealing with anger, but, like the silent treatment, it ends up destroying both partners' feelings of connection and trust.
2. Start noticing when you're keeping score of bad things
kevkevtruong via Shutterstock.com
If you have been married long enough, you will see signs of keeping score in your marriage from time to time. The key is noting it and stating it aloud to stop the behavior. Some people are more prone to score-keeping just as some people prefer the silent treatment to punish their partner.
Psychologist Margaret Paul explained how the punishment dynamic works, "Your hope in treating them this way is that they will get the message they have displeased you. They have done something wrong in your eyes and deserve punishment, deserve to have your love taken away. Of course, what you are taking away is not love at all, since love is unconditional. What you are taking away is your approval, and for approval-dependent people, it is a powerful form of control."
When you do catch yourself keeping score, tell your spouse quickly, "I'm sorry, that wasn't fair. Please forgive me." This is as much a reminder for you, as being considerate of your spouse.
3. Start keeping track of the positives in your relationship
If you must keep score, keep score of the loving things your partner does each day. This will enable you to see more of them.
Therapist Clare Waismann recommended, "Practicing a small daily habit can play an important role in maintaining a positive outlook. One simple way to achieve this is by taking five minutes each morning or evening to pause, reflect, and express gratitude. This daily “gratitude ritual” has the potential to shift your mindset into gratitude, sparking thoughts of appreciation for yourself and those around you."
4. Teach your children not to keep score, and what to do instead.
Whenever you hear your children bring up fairness or scorekeeping remind them that in this family you do not keep score. Kids are reminders of what we are doing every day. Sometimes correcting them helps us.
5. Bravely share your fears and vulnerabilities directly
The more you can tell your spouse directly how you feel without blaming them, the less likely you will need to keep score.
For most of us, keeping score is a nuisance. We may see it among our friends or family, and not in our own homes. Marriages erode for many reasons, but lack of healthy communication is still the number one reason. Small things like being aware of how you treat your partner or what sorts of messages you send them, go a long way with healthy communication in your family.
At day's end, a healthy marriage score looks pretty even more or less, depending on the day and time in your life. Some days you may give more, and other days your partner gives more. Be the best spouse you can be and let God keep score.
Mary Jo Rapini, MEd, LPC, is a psychotherapist, author, speaker, and intimacy counselor.
