If A Spouse Uses This Subtle Gesture, It Means Your Relationship's In Big Trouble
One gesture that can cut to the core of marital distress.
Prostock-studio | Canva That one major red flag for relationships? Eye rolling. While different meanings have been attributed to eye-rolling in the past and in other cultures, today, eye-rolling in an intimate relationship is almost always interpreted as a sign of contempt, judgment, and disdain.
If your spouse rolls your eyes at you, it means your relationship's in big trouble — and here's why:
1. Eye-rolling is a sign of contempt
Renowned marriage therapist and researcher John Gottman has said that just by watching a couple's eyes, you can often predict whether or not a marriage will end in divorce.
Gottman found that even when a laugh or a smile accompanies it, eye-rolling can be harmful to a relationship because of the hostile feelings the gesture communicates.
Eye-rolling is a sign that you no longer value your partner and that you hold them in contempt. According to Janice Kiecolt-Glaser from Ohio State University, eye-rolling is a sign of severe hostility she refers to as "a marriage a hallmark of bad marriages — the kind that leads to adverse physiological changes."
Contempt, in particular, is no laughing matter, considering it's one of Gottman's "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in relationships" — the term he uses for the four key behaviors that almost always result in a relationship ultimately failing.
In addition to contempt, the other "Four Horsemen" are criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling, all of which Gottman's decades of research show to be interconnected and toxic for any couple.
2. People usually roll their eyes for negative reasons
- They disagree with who is talking
- They don’t like how the person talking expresses themselves
- They feel frustrated with or overwhelmed by what is being said
- They don’t respect the person who is talking
Sometimes, eye-rolling isn't that big of a deal. It can be a way of expressing how unimpressed someone is by another's cheesy sense of humor. It could also signal that you're just exhausted. Or, you may be annoyed by something you don't see as a big deal.
Maybe you're not buying whatever excuses someone is feeding you, but it's a matter of being honest about the situation so the two of you can get past it. Of course, you don’t have to be married to see witness eye-rolling.
Kids do it to their parents, and friends do it to each other. I have one friend who always rolls her eyes, especially around certain people. She has communicated so clearly who she holds in contempt. If you're a teenager, eye-rolling is practically a whole language.
3. Rolling your eyes is a passive-aggressive behavior
It is a sarcastic, passive-aggressive, nonverbal gesture that never clearly states the reasons or source of your disagreement and, therefore, leaves your partner not knowing how to respond. Eye rolling is more common in men, as it is a low-risk form of aggression, whereas men are more likely to yell or get physical.
Whether it's mostly harmless in the long run or a sign that your partner can barely contain their contempt for you, eye-rolling is a passive-aggressive way of showing one's dissent, disapproval, judgment, or otherwise negative reaction to something, as supported by Rebecca Clift's paper in the Research on Language and Social Interaction Journal.
This behavior can leave the person on the receiving end of the eye roll feeling uncared for, insulted, looked down upon, and disrespected.
4. Eye rolling can damage any relationship, especially a marriage
Nakaridore via Shutterstock
When children roll their eyes at their parents, it's generally assumed this has to do with their immaturity or inability to know effective ways of dealing with their feelings.
When partners roll their eyes at each other, it is seen more as a deliberate way of showing arrogance or dismissing the other's thoughts or concerns. It can even be perceived as abusive, causing distancing between partners.
Withdrawal of the other partner is a common response, and a relationship may eventually crumble due to the lack of healthy communication.
We all communicate with our eyes, our mouths, and our bodies. Just as we show incredible love through our gestures, we can cut someone deeply with gestures. Eye rolling is one of those gestures that can cut to the core.
Mary Jo Rapini MEd, LPC is a psychotherapist, author, speaker, and intimacy counselor.