7 Subtle Clues That Determine How Important You Are To A Person, According To Psychology
Are you an option to someone you've made a priority?
Helgy | Canva Healthy relationships regularly fill each other's tank because they're properly and fairly prioritizing each other. The acclaimed writer Mark Twain once said, "Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option."
Don't be afraid to look in your relationship's mirror realistically in an effort to analyze your give-and-take ratio, and then be prepared to do something about it.
To get your analysis underway, ask how much of your tank you're giving up and how much of it is being refilled. Then, check out these clues that you might be someone's option, instead of their equal priority, to see if any match up with your situation.
Here are 7 subtle clues that determine how important you are to a person:
1. You're always the one making dates, not them
A partner who does not plan dates could have various reasons, including a lack of initiative or investment in the relationship, poor communication skills, anxiety around commitment, a preference for letting the other person take the lead, or simply not prioritizing date planning as important.
A 2021 study found that often, this behavior can stem from a lack of awareness about the partner's needs and desires, leading to an imbalance in the relationship.
2. When big news happens to them, good or bad, you find out way later
When significant news happens to your partner, and you only find out much later, it usually indicates a lack of communication, a potential boundary issue, or a feeling of being excluded from their life.
A 2016 study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family found this could signify a deeper problem within the relationship, depending on the nature of the news and the reason for the delay in sharing it with you.
3. They return calls/texts in an untimely fashion
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Joe Amoia, a relationship coach, revealed three reasons men will say they will call and then don't: they may not be interested in you, they're only interested in a physical relationship, or they're emotionally unavailable — all three of these justifications signal it's time to find the fire escape.
4. You don't have the "girlfriend or boyfriend" title
Certified life and love coach Mitzi Bockmann explained, "While you may not be someone he sees himself with long-term, in the meantime, you are fulfilling some purpose for him." It just may not be the purpose you're looking for, especially if loneliness and insecurity are part of said person's life equation.
5. They make weekend/vacation plans without considering you
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A 2020 study of marital tension supports the idea that if a trip between two parties doesn't form fairly smoothly, resentment may already have built up on one or both sides and long-simmering grievances could end up ruining the vacation. Therapist Dr. Gloria Brame agreed with this sentiment: "If you argue about where and how much to spend, you're better off not going."
6. You hear a lot of "I" but not a lot of "we.
This can suggest a greater focus on individuality, potentially indicating a less connected or more detached feeling within the partnership. A 2019 Social Psychological and Personality Science study found this is often linked to insecure attachment styles like avoidance, where someone might be uncomfortable with closeness or dependence on their partner.
Conversely, using "we" more often is associated with a stronger sense of unity and commitment within a relationship. The occasional use of "I" is normal, and the overall communication pattern is more important than isolated pronoun usage.
7. Your vote doesn't count for much
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Life coach Kathy Thielen explained, "When we continuously treat someone like they don't matter, the relationship becomes stagnant or ends altogether." Building trust and learning to sustain your love doesn't always come naturally but can be cultivated.
You deserve to be someone's priority, plain and simple. If you find that you have lessened yourself to someone's option, you need to look within. After all, if you aren't making you your priority, why should someone else?
Tristan Coopersmith is a dating coach and therapist who has been featured on several radio shows including Dr. Drew’s Loveline and in many print and online publications such as Glamour, Cosmopolitan, Woman’s Day, JDate, AOL, and more.