How The ‘Bucket Theory’ Reveals Why Some People Unintentionally Pursue Toxic Relationships
Are you subconsciously sabotaging healthy relationships? Or worse yet, choosing toxic ones?
People Images Yuri A / Shutterstock.com In the quest for love, the goal is always a loving, healthy relationship, but why does it seem so easy for some and an impossibility for others?
It’s something that TikToker Courtney Shields often discusses on her platform. She's even developed a theory about why some people have all the luck and others keep choosing the wrong partners — the Bucket Theory.
The ‘Bucket Theory’ explains why some people unintentionally pursue toxic relationships even though they don't want to.
Shields’ theory is intended for women who are currently dating or in a relationship but can be applied to anyone.
"I want you to think of dating in buckets," Shields began. "And I want you to imagine there are three different buckets." Bucket one is filled with the people you would never consider dating. Bucket two is filled with people you "like," but as Shields noted, "they're missing something on your list." Bucket three people are what Shields considers "unicorns." They are essentially your perfect partner.
The trick lies in which bucket you consistently choose from.
While research has shown that attraction is an important factor in choosing a partner, it's often more important to men than women, although only slightly.
Immediate attraction aside, it's no secret that women who put too much stock in their relationship status will be more inclined to lower their standards when it comes to dating. When you're afraid to be alone, whether you realize it or not, you'll be more inclined to overlook the negative traits you find unappealing.
It's this willingness to date partners that are less than ideal that forms the foundation of the Bucket Theory,
By dividing potential partners into three specific ‘buckets,’ you can better assess the health of a future relationship.
Your first “bucket” of potential partners are people that you wouldn’t typically pursue — whether it’s attraction, personality, or because they simply don’t check any of your boxes, you’re not interested in them. Simple as that.
However, as Shields explained, “bucket two” people can be "tricky."
“Say you have something on your list that’s a mega-deal breaker,” Shields said. “Like, this person doesn’t want to get married, and I do. That person is a bucket two person, because they don’t have everything that is a ‘must’ or ‘essential’ for you.”
Olena Yakobchuk / Shutterstock.com
Hookups and situationships happen with people in bucket two — and as long as you are okay with that, no biggie. “Relationships shouldn’t happen with bucket two people,” she added. “So, if you have a bucket-two boyfriend, you know what to do.”
Bucket-three people are in alignment with you on values, check all your boxes, and seemingly meet all your standards. “The key here,” Shields explained, “is that you have to actually date these people to see if they could potentially be your person or if they’re just a checklist of stuff that you want.”
If you’re currently in a relationship, ensure you’re not settling for a bucket-two person out of “necessity,” as Shields suggested, because it could only result in toxicity and resentment.
Finding someone that perfectly suits you is difficult but possible. Figure out what you want, like, and need before committing to someone.
“You can’t make a bucket-two person a bucket-three person,” Shields honestly explained. “The bucket-three people are the ones that actually have the potential to grow [into a] relationship.”
So, if you’re constantly compromising to make a relationship work, "you will get a toxic relationship … your whole dating trajectory will change.”
Shields didn't discourage casual dating because of her theory, but she stressed that it's important to be aware of patterns if you're trying to fit the wrong person into your ideal mold.
“There should be some fun here,” she said. “You should be able to just enjoy this person’s company before you decide how you feel about them … You might be putting too much pressure on people [on the first few dates].”
“I’m not saying give everyone that’s way out of your league a chance … we do need to stop giving men that don’t deserve a chance, a chance,” she added, “but what I am saying is: if you’re not having a little bit of fun dating, you’re doing it wrong.”
So, go out there and have some fun! It might be scary, it might be overwhelming, or stressful, but make the most of your time getting to know people.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a News & Entertainment Writer at YourTango who focuses on health & wellness, social policy, and human interest stories.