The Biggest Indicator Your Desperation Is Driving Men Away
You're not playing it cool.
Song_about_summer / Shutterstock Have you ever dated a man and started to fall for him? Within weeks of your feelings developing, you're almost in a full-fledged panic, asking yourself, "Where is this going?" "Is he the one?" "How can I be sure that he's not a player and wants to commit?"
Believe me, I couldn't be more sympathetic to you. Now that I'm 38, most of my female friends are in this 35-40 range, and there's no doubt of the psychological toll that being single and childless takes on them. The window to have kids is a narrow one, and, for that reason, it makes everything feel urgent. I'm confident that just about anyone in your position would feel the exact same as you do.
But, like an employee who has to grin and bear it when he's got to work overtime, you have to figure out a way to smile, breathe deeply, and not get overwhelmed by your feelings.
Because while you're 100 percent entitled to want answers now, most guys don't have answers now – and they're certainly not going to feel more inclined to date the woman who demands them no more than you want to buy the car from the pushy used car salesman who has to make his monthly quota.
I just finished writing about this in my new eBook, Why He Disappeared, because it's fundamental to understanding what makes men choose some women and not others. You're 33.
It's a great age for dating because you're young enough to be highly desirable to men in their late 30s and early 40s, you're old enough to be over your twenty-something frivolity, and you're serious about finding love. But you can't be too serious. The more you approach each man as the potential father of your child, the more each man is going to recoil from your intensity. Playing it cool is still your soundest bet.
My best friend married a 40-year-old woman, after two and a half years of dating. She didn't pressure him once to pull the trigger. Another close male friend just married a 40-year-old woman, after two years of cohabitation.
She did put a little pressure on him, but it didn't help her cause in any way. Men don't like to be pushed.
My wife was 38 when I met her. If anything, I was the one who felt the need to rush and make decisions quickly, because I want to have kids and didn't want to waste her time. So as much as you think you're saving time by putting all your cards out on the table right away, you're actually sabotaging yourself. There are things that my wife told me after 9 months together that I wouldn't have accepted after 1 month, and vice versa.
Once your guy's in love, once he's invested, you have much more power and leverage. And by the way, your leverage is not in telling him to pop for a ring or else. Your leverage is in deciding whether you have a future, and, if not, walking away with your head held high.
Walk away too soon because of your timetable and you may be shorting his timetable. So while your concerns are perfectly valid, your methods for dealing with them come from a place of anxiety. And, unfortunately, men are just not that attracted to anxiety.
So stop trying to figure out how to merge your bank accounts on date 2, stop hinting that you'd like a family on date 4, and stop trying to know things about your future when you've only been together for six months. You might think you know after six months, but if my wife – or my friends' wives – pressured me or my friends toward a lifetime decision after only six months together, none of us would be married right now.
It's patently foolish for men to make a permanent decision to marry and bring children into the world unless they're really sure. You might not like to hear me telling you to just chill out, but it gets far better results than pressuring him to commit before he knows he's fully ready.
Evan Marc Katz is a dating coach for smart women who have everything but the guy. If you want to learn the #1 reason you’re having trouble finding him — and what you can do about it instantly, visit his website.