Deeply Manipulative People Often Display These 7 Machiavellian Behaviors
The way deeply manipulative people subtly sway you.
Sam Lion | Canva My ex-husband was abusive: physically, intimately, and most of all, emotionally. (Whoever came up with the expression “sticks and stones can break my bones but words will never hurt me” obviously lacked any ability to harbor feelings.)
In short: my ex was a deeply manipulative person. When we split after a nearly eight-year marriage, he left with a suitcase packed with pieces of me: my pride, self-worth, hopes, dreams. He didn't take those things using his hands; he took them using his words.
But here's the sly thing about deeply manipulative people: they're very good at not coming across that way — so good that it's often tricky to spot the Machiavellian behaviors that suggest you're being manipulated.
Manipulative people often display these Machiavellian behaviors:
1. Makes you believe everything is your fault
Deeply manipulative people aren’t always outright mean; most of the time they're very charming and compassionate. One minute you're fighting, the next he's sweetly telling you, “Baby, look. I don’t want to fight with you. I know you couldn’t help ruining our evening and that it's hard for you to stop being so emotional all the time."
See what he did there? Instead of focusing on the actual problem at hand, he made you feel as though the fight was somehow your fault. That's because deeply manipulative people have no accountability and nothing is ever their fault. So pay attention to how he words things.
2. Gaslights you
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Gaslighting is when an abuser changes, twists, and makes up information with the intention of causing someone to doubt their own memory, perception, and sanity. It's also a popular tactic of deeply manipulative people. It's one of the many mind games manipulative people play.
I’ll never forget when I found out my husband was cheating on me because he accidentally left his email inbox open.
When I confronted him, instead of apologizing he exploded and began yelling at me. "You misread them. I can’t believe you don’t trust me; this is just like you do not trust me. I can’t believe I put up with this! You're ruining our marriage."
After several days of unrelenting insistence that he wasn't cheating, I found myself questioning whether I'd made this all up in my head. When a deeply manipulative person knows they have no excuse, they make one up (all the while making you feel like you're the delusional one).
Gaslighting causes the victim to doubt their memories, feelings, and perceptions of events. Leading to confusion and uncertainty about what is true.
A 2023 study published in Personal Relationships showed that individuals who experience gaslighting often report difficulties in trusting others, forming healthy relationships, and maintaining a stable sense of self. The research also highlights the importance of seeking professional support for victims of gaslighting to process their experiences, rebuild self-esteem, and develop coping mechanisms.
3. Sees everything negative as your fault
This point looks similar to number one, but trust me when I say it’s different. In this case, we're talking about a deeply manipulative person's tendency to blame others for all of their life problems.
Is he doing poorly at work? Well, that’s your fault because you stress him out at home. In trouble with the law? Well, you made him so angry he got all heated up and caused a problem.
Unhappy in your marriage? It's obviously because you're such a horrible partner. In short: Everything bad that ever happens is because of you, you, you, and never them. They're perfect, you're defective. End of story.
4. Tears you down
Deeply manipulative people know they don’t have much going for them so they exert control over their victims to control the way they think. (Because if you could think for yourself, you might realize how much better you deserve.)
Manipulative people feel in control when they control you. So, if he can pound into your head just how ugly/useless/pathetic/stupid you are, you'll start to believe it yourself and cling more tightly to him because you (incorrectly) think it's the best you can do.
And once you believe your self-worth is non-existent, deeply manipulative people can make you believe anything they want. And what he allows you to believe only serves one person: him.
A study published in the Journal of Obsessive-Compulsive and Related Disorders concluded that this is a form of emotional abuse, often linked to low self-esteem in the abuser's power dynamics within the relationship, and can significantly damage the victim's self-worth.
This leads to feelings of depression, anxiety, and decreased relationship satisfaction. This behavior is often considered contempt within the Gottman relationship model, one of the strongest predictors of relationship failure.
5. Isolates you
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He'll discourage and prevent you from seeing your friends because — gasp! — they might have two wits about them and convince you to leave him.
If he’s putting in a good effort to “fix” you, he can’t tolerate your friends ruining his hard work — not with their "bad" advice and misguided ways.
A manipulative partner will convince you they don’t really "understand" how much he loves you and will try to convince you that you don't need friends because you have him. This also falls in line with the antisocial behavior most manipulators exhibit. If he sentences you to social isolation, this is a big red flag that he is emotionally abusing you.
6. Gives you the silent treatment
Manipulators use the silent treatment as a way to gain power over someone or to create emotional distance. So, if he uses this form of "punishment" frequently, it is crossing the line into emotional abuse and needs to be addressed. The silent treatment can make you feel alone, even ostracized, which can be detrimental to your mental health.
Being ignored or given the silent treatment activates similar brain regions as physical pain, highlighting the psychological distress it can cause. A study from the American Psychological Association identified silent treatment as a primary form of ostracism, which threatens our fundamental needs for belonging, self-esteem, control, and meaningful existence.
7. Withholds attention
After the "love-bombing" phase, a manipulator will become distant. He'll seem bored by you and annoyed you want to carry on with a passionate, fun-loving relationship he started. He'll make you feel like a chore, something he dreads having to do.
This is emotional abuse because it makes you believe that you are a chore and that you shouldn't need so much attention. You may even start thinking you are the selfish one instead of him.
The long-term effects of emotional abuse from a manipulator or sociopath are not good for you, and you should leave them. No one is worth that.
If you think you may be experiencing depression or anxiety as a result of ongoing emotional abuse, you are not alone. Domestic abuse can happen to anyone and is not a reflection of who you are or anything you've done wrong. If you feel as though you may be in danger, there is support available 24/7/365 through the National Domestic Violence Hotline by calling 1-800-799-7233. If you’re unable to speak safely, text LOVEIS to 1-866-331-9474.
Eden Strong is a regular contributor to a variety of digital outlets, including Lifetime Moms, XOJane, Scary Mommy, Catster, and Dogster.