Wife In The Middle Of Getting A Divorce Reveals The Sadly Relatable ‘Mistake’ She Made Choosing Her Husband
The red flag she missed is extremely common in men today.
fizkes | Shutterstock Choosing your life partner is an enormous decision. Ideally, you will spend the rest of your life with them, happy and in love. But sadly, that's not always the case.
One woman in the middle of a divorce shared her regrets about choosing her husband, hoping others can learn from her misstep.
The wife, in the process of getting a divorce, shared the sadly relatable 'mistake' she made choosing her husband.
The TikTok user and mom named Sheila shared some reflections on her failed marriage and where she believes she went wrong when choosing her husband.
“I think one of the biggest regrets in marriage for me is that I wish I picked a man that had friends,” she told viewers. “Because a man without friends is practicing friendship on you, is practicing loyalty.”
Sheila clarified that she was not referring to family relationships. “I’m not talking about having siblings because they all drink from the same well,” she said. “I’m talking about other men in his life that he has relationships with, that are standard bearers, that hold him accountable, that he can lean on and be vulnerable with.”
“If he doesn’t have that already, then he’s practicing with you,” Sheila said simply.
Sheila explained how some things that women often see as attractive forms of vulnerability and self-awareness are actually the opposite.
“We might think that in that moment when he shares, ‘Oh, this is the first time that I’ve ever been able to be vulnerable and open with anyone,’ is a flex,” she said. “I think it’s more like a warning sign. Because the minute that there is any tension and conflict, guess what? He is closing down. He is shutting down shop.”
fizkes | Shutterstock
According to Sheila, this happens “Because he hasn’t developed the emotional bandwidth or the relationship muscle required for a healthy coupling.”
“And again,” she reminded, “I’m not talking about familial relationships, because they are fraught with all kinds of obligations, and so, where he may show up for his family, does not mean that he will show up for you.”
Research shows that men tend to have fewer good friends.
While Sheila’s thoughts are based on her personal experience with her husband, research actually supports what she said.
The Survey Center on American Life said, “30 years ago, a majority of men (55%) reported having at least six close friends. Today, that number has been cut in half. Slightly more than one in four (27%) men have six or more close friends today. Fifteen percent of men have no close friendships at all, a fivefold increase since 1990.”
The Newport Institute pointed out, “Emotional intimacy can be difficult for young straight men due to societal pressures to appear ‘manly’ and not show a vulnerable side.”
However, they also argued that a lack of friends does not mean romantic partners can fill that void. “Romantic relationships aren’t a sustainable substitute for close male friendships,” they said.
Therapist Steven Ing also addressed the danger of getting involved with a man who doesn’t have a solid group of friends for Psychology Today. “What his not having a social support system means is that you are about to become his social support system,” Ing said. “Are you comfortable with that? Is that even doable?”
It’s not a coincidence that the men in your life seem to have fewer friends. There’s evidence to back that up. But, as Ing said, you must determine if you’re OK with filling that void completely.
It can be hard to let go of someone you love. But, if they aren’t ready for emotional commitment, it may be for the best.
Mary-Faith Martinez is a writer for YourTango who covers entertainment, news, and human interest topics.