Couples Who Normalize These 8 Behaviors Are Actually In A Dysfunctional Relationship, According To Psychology
These habits may seem harmless, but they can actually erode your relationship's foundation.
Lode Lambert | Unsplash No relationship is perfect. Every relationship has its ups and downs, from petty fights to occasionally sleeping on the couch. However, if you are feeling more negative about your relationship than positive, it may be time to reevaluate your relationship and see if you are stuck in an unhealthy relationship that you need to get out of. To help, here are the signs of a dysfunctional relationship that can deeply affect your emotional, mental, and/or physical health.
Couples who normalize these behaviors are actually in a dysfunctional relationship:
1. They make you more sad than happy
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This is a big one. While you shouldn’t rely on your significant other for all of your happiness (only you can control your perspective and decisions in life) , your partner should make your life better, not worse.
If you dread your partner walking through the door daily, then you know that it may be time to either take a break, try to work on things, or call it quits. Your partner may not make all of your dreams come true, but they should love, support, and help you through hard times.
2. They keep score
If your partner keeps track of every mistake that you make, they are more than likely trying to mask their behavior by having all your misdeeds stored in their back pocket every time they make a mistake.
Additionally, every time you try to bring up something serious or perhaps if you want to compromise with them on something, they will use your misdeeds to their advantage, too.
Research suggests this behavior can create a competitive environment where partners are constantly scrutinized and judged. When partners are preoccupied with keeping score, they may become less empathetic and understanding of each other's needs, leading to a decline in trust and a feeling of distance.
They want to get out of everything and get their way, so they use your weaknesses for their gain. This isn’t how healthy communication works and you may need to either seek counseling or break things off, otherwise, you will be stuck in a relationship based on poor communication.
3. They keep secrets from you
I will say this again: When you can’t trust your partner, your relationship will fail. Trust is everything. When you have a lack of trust for your partner, either you have trust issues from other life factors, or you have a good reason not to trust them based on their behavior.
If you aren’t sure, it might be wise to have a conversation with your partner and let them know how you feel and why. If they start acting shady, such as they can’t look you in the eye, you might need to question their loyalty.
In this day and age, it’s pretty easy to find out if your partner is hiding stuff from you. One of the most common ways to tell if your partner is cheating is by knowing who they are calling often. If you see a phone number that is calling your partner often (or who your partner is calling often), it may be wise to use a reverse cell phone lookup service on the phone number in question. To do this, check your significant other’s phone bill or call log to see who they are calling.
Some other ways to check if your partner is being unfaithful are to look at their website history, check their bank accounts for unfamiliar purchases, and look on popular dating apps such as Tinder to see if they have a dating profile.
4. They try to control you
A loving partner is not a controlling partner. You are your person, with your own needs and aspirations. If your partner tries to control you, you know that the time is up for your relationship.
If your partner cares far more about their happiness and little about what makes you happy, they are a narcissist, and there is little you can do to change that person. Time to hit the road and let someone else deal with your controlling partner.
5. They don't help you grow
The best partners challenge each other. They share their feelings maturely; they talk about their opinions. They call out each other’s flaws. They grow with one another.
Couples who hinder rather than support each other's growth are likely in a dysfunctional relationship characterized by a lack of empathy, communication, and mutual respect. A 2019 study explained that these relationships often feature unhealthy patterns like avoiding conflict, resorting to blame or insults, and failing to acknowledge and address challenges as opportunities for growth.
If you and your partner aren’t helping each other grow, it doesn’t necessarily mean that your relationship is over. What your relationship does need is some reevaluation. Can you guys work together to change your habits and help each other grow in the right direction? This is the important question that you need to ask each other.
6. The relationship is self-centered
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This is similar to #5 because a controlling partner is usually a self-centered one. They care little about your feelings and worry more about themselves. Self-centered partners also think they are better than their significant other and that their partner needs to do everything how they do things. There is no improvising with self-centered people.
If you are in a relationship with a self-centered partner, it is time to take a bow. Of course, you can stick around if you don’t mind being in your partner’s shadow.
Self-centered partners will try to do everything to make people follow in their footsteps and be in their shadow. They can even turn aggressive and perhaps put their loved ones in compromising positions to get their way.
Don’t take the risk and try to “change” your self-centered partner.
7. They are abusive
When a person truly loves someone, they will not abuse them. If you are being abused, it is a clear sign that your relationship will never be healthy.
The longer you stay with your abusive partner, the greater the risk you are taking. Many, many bad outcomes can come from you staying in an abusive relationship. Get out as fast as you can, your abusive partner will never change.
8. They constantly pick fights
I’m sure that if you are currently in a controlling relationship, your partner won’t let you do anything. Either that or a huge fight starts every time you visit a friend or family member.
If this is your current relationship, this behavior isn’t healthy. By now, perhaps your friendships and family relationships are suffering. Maybe even your career is affected if you have one still.
According to a 2021 study, couples who consistently argue and fight, primarily when they can't function without starting a conflict, may be experiencing a dysfunctional relationship. This is often characterized by negative communication patterns, lack of intimacy, and a pattern of blaming or defensiveness, all of which can contribute to a toxic relationship dynamic.
This isn’t normal, this isn’t what love should feel like. This high level of controlling behavior is most definitely abusive.
What real love looks like: Real relationships revolve around mutual respect, understanding, and transparency.
Unfortunately, temptations are surrounding us everywhere. With an internet connection and the click of a button, lines can now be crossed without anyone knowing. Fewer morals are leading to more slip-ups and an increasing level of selfishness.
If you are a loyal and loving person who can be trusted, be very wary of who you are dating. Negative people are good at finding good people, such as yourself, whom they can take advantage of. Always be wary when you first start dating someone. If you are seeing someone and you notice any of the above signs, it might be time to break ties.
If you’re experiencing domestic abuse, you’re not alone. There are ways to go about asking for help as safely as possible. For more information, resources, legal advice, and relevant links, visit the National Domestic Violence Hotline. For anyone struggling with domestic abuse, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). If you’re unable to speak safely, text LOVEIS to 1-866-331-9474.
Wyatt Doolittle is an author, former contributor to the Good Men Project, and helped build the National Cellular Directory into a brand that makes the world more transparent.
