The 4 Types Of Affairs (And What They Really Mean)
Cheating happens for myriad reasons.
Peopleimages.com | Canva Affairs happen for a variety of reasons but can be characterized by different types. While all affairs share some common themes, such as; the deeper needs of one or both partners are unmet, dealing with the issue openly is avoided and the affair is seen as a solution of some sort.
Certainly, affairs involve deep hurt, broken trust, and broken dreams, as well as betrayal and secrecy. Sometimes there is an intention, conscious or not, to hurt the other person. Sometimes not. All affairs are messages, coded cries for help, that need to be decoded and responded to appropriately. (So why have an affair then? According to a 2023 study, the biggest reason has to do with a lack of satisfaction in the bedroom.)
But understanding the why and its meaning is vitally important. Below some typical types of affairs are listed, with a possible meaning suggested. This list is not meant to cover every type of affair and is most useful in suggesting patterns of affairs ensconced in patterns of relating and their associated meanings. The meaning of any behavior is unique to each person, each couple, and each situation.
Here are 4 types of affairs, and what they mean:
1. Avoidance
In this pattern, the couple avoids conflict by not engaging and ignoring issues that might lead to conflict. This is also a strategy to avoid intimacy. This couple presents as “The Ideal Couple.” If you meet them they seem wonderful, but upon getting to know them further they are shallow. Usually, both of the partners are lonely but put up a good front. Underneath they are often angry.
The affair happens when someone else is present and hears the silent cry of the heart. When the affair comes to light, the usual explanation given is the other person “met my needs.” The angrier version of this is stated “Now will you pay attention to me?” A possible meaning: Pay attention to me! Or I’ll get my needs met somewhere else.
2. Addiction-based
In this pattern, one or both of the partners can never get enough. Enough attention, enough affection, enough love. They are constantly on the hunt for something to fill them up. There may be lots of passion and excitement in this relationship, but they are unable to work through any areas of conflict. The affairs in this pattern tend to be multiple one-night stands. The possible meaning: I can’t ever get filled up. I hate what I’m doing but I can’t stop.
3. Empty nest
Time has passed for this couple. They were completely involved with their children, their work, or whatever. The children have moved out and they have retired. They look across the table and see each other as a stranger.
Pexels / Alex Green
Maybe they long to get connected, maybe not, maybe the desire has been buried under a lifetime of busyness and distraction. Whatever the case, they can’t manage to do what is necessary to rekindle the relationship with the person they live with. A possible meaning: I’m lost and lonely. I feel hopeless and powerless.
4. Out the door
This marriage is over, but neither wants to make the move to end it. Each is waiting for the other to make the move. So, one of the partners has an affair and that person can be blamed for ending the relationship that they both secretly wanted to end but lacked the courage to do so. The possible meaning: I don’t want to be responsible for my actions. Won’t you take action so I can blame you?
Donn Peters has been a practicing psychologist and couple's therapist for over 20 years. He has taken advanced training with the Gottman Institute.