Relationship Coach Warns: The Toxic Mindset That Keeps Even The Best Women Single
You'll never land a man unless you make a much-needed mind shift.
James Reyes | Canva I struggled to find a good man when I was single, mostly because I spent too much time hoping the wrong guy would magically become 'the right guy.' It's a state of mind I call 'wishful hoping.'
And while I'm way past that mindset in my own life, I see so many of my perpetually single clients struggling with it.
The American Time Use Survey, conducted by the U.S. Census Bureau found that unmarried, childless women are the happiest population. Yet so many of us still want to find that one person we want to spend the rest of our lives with.
'Wishful hoping' is very similar to being in a state of longing. To better understand it, here's a great definition of 'longing' from relationship expert Gay Hendricks:
“Longing is a persistent lingering feeling of wanting something you can’t quite get or something you’ve judged unattainable.”
The toxic mindset that keeps even the best women single is 'wishful hoping.'
Here are some examples of wishful hoping:
1. Waiting for a man to leave his wife or break up with his girlfriend
2. Waiting for a man to drink less or stop doing drugs
3. Making excuses for a man when he doesn’t call or email you as promised
4. Continually paying for everything when he’s promised to look for work
5. Waiting for a man to take care of himself or lose weight
6. Waiting for a man to be “ready” to commit to you finally
Of course, there are exceptions in some of these situations, but you get the idea.
When you're longing for things to show up, shift, or be different than they are (especially when you're waiting for someone else to change), you're at the mercy of external circumstances.
The only person you can change is yourself, and all the wishing and hoping in the world won't make that any different.
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I don’t care how much you complain to him about his drinking or his attachment to another woman, most likely he won't ever change. Studies show that if you keep complaining to someone about their behavior, it just makes them dig in their heels and continue the unwanted behavior for longer.
You can free yourself from 'wishful hoping' by realizing what's happening in the present. Take care of yourself based on what's occurring now, not what you think may happen in the future, "IF ONLY ..." this or that happens.
Wasting time waiting for a situation to change delays your chance of finding an already great and healthy relationship.
So, if you want to shorten the time to find your Mr. Right, let go of what you've imagined for yourself in your not-right situation.
It will feel hard, but trust me, facing reality and what is feels so much better than what if.
Virginia Clark is a relationship coach with decades of experience and the author of It's Never Too Late to Marry: How to Have the Man and the Marriage of Your Dreams.