The 3 Gut-Wrenching Feelings That Hit You Right Before Your Marriage Ends, According To Research
The wake-up call your marriage needs.
Simeon Jacobson | Unsplash For me and my wife, the marital bliss ended on our honeymoon. Within a few days of walking down the aisle, we both started to doubt our marriage would last.
We believed we were in love when we exchanged our vows. We had dated for a year before we got engaged. We were engaged for six months.
Before our marriage, we took every opportunity to spend time together. If we had to choose between eating, sleeping, or time together, we almost always chose time with each other. We were passionate about each other.
Contempt took the place of passion. Criticism replaced compliments. Pet names were replaced with insults.
Our downward spiral went on for almost three years. Then, one day my wife said she was done. When she said she was “done,” I knew there are only two options available. One option was to divorce. The second option was to change direction.
The 3 things you feel before your marriage fails for good:
1. You’re not motivated to change
If your marriage is in trouble, it’s easy to blame it on your partner. But if you’re expecting your partner to make all the changes, you might as well expect the marriage to continue to spiral out of control.
Insanity has been defined as continuing to do what you’ve been doing but expecting different results. If your relationship feels like it’s spinning around in circles, the only way to get out of the spin cycle is for both of you to change direction or end the marriage.
While a lack of motivation to change can be a red flag in any relationship, including marriage, research suggests that it's not a definitive predictor of marriage failure but rather a potential indicator of underlying issues that could negatively impact the relationship. Common warning signs of a troubled marriage include constant criticism, lack of intimacy, repetitious arguments, poor communication, avoidance, and dishonesty.
2. You’re not invested in the relationship
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Saving a marriage takes work. Hard work. That means to save it; you’ll need to invest time, effort, and money. Don’t fool yourself into thinking you can get more out of the relationship than you’re willing to put into it.
Investing in a satisfying marriage means making regular deposits in your partner’s love bank. It means we need to study our partners and learn what makes them feel loved and respected. Then we need to make those things that turn them on happen four times more than the things that turn them off.
A lack of investment and emotional detachment in a marriage, characterized by behaviors like emotional neglect or a decline in intimacy, can be a strong predictor of marital failure. A 2020 study found that if one partner puts in significantly more effort than the other, it can create an imbalance and lead to resentment.
3. You believe you married the wrong person
Many of us fell for the myth that there is a right person for us out there somewhere. We long to look someone in the eyes and say, “You complete me.” So, when our marriage runs into trouble, it’s easy to think the marriage was a mistake.
But all marriages run into trouble. Believing you married the wrong one undermines any attempt to make your marriage work. There is no perfect match. A marriage isn’t like matching pieces in a jigsaw puzzle. We bring to marriage our individual imperfections.
A successful, satisfying marriage is more like packing when you’re moving to a new home. Some things move with you; other things get left behind because they just don’t go with your new place. In marriage, figuring out what stays and what goes takes patience, time, and–most of all–a generous love that gives space, forgives, and endures imperfections.
I fought it at first but knew that I had to try changing direction before choosing divorce. My wife agreed but wanted us to get help. We found a counselor we could work with. Together, we worked hard.
Over time, we saved our failing marriage from self-destruction. We restored the passion. Over 26 years later, our marriage is still hot.
A failing marriage isn’t a lost cause. But it is a wake-up call. Step back and assess whether the ingredients are there to save it. If there’s reason to hope, give it all you’ve got.
A 2019 study explained that while the feeling of marrying the wrong person can be a significant indicator of marital distress, it's not a definitive guarantee of divorce but rather a red flag that warrants attention and potentially seeking professional help. Recognizing these issues and addressing them through open communication, therapy, and a willingness to work on the relationship can lead to positive change and strengthen the marriage.
Jon Beaty is a licensed clinical social worker, freelance writer, and blogger. He’s author of the book If You’re Not Growing, You’re Dying: 7 Habits for Thriving in Your Faith, Relationships and Work.