Therapists Reveal The Quickest Way To Damage A Great Relationship
Drs. David and Debbie McFadden share a major marriage red flag.
Olezzo via Shutterstock When we are in the early stages of a relationship, we have a somewhat idealistic view of each other.
We are likely to believe that the person we are in a relationship with is a good listener, cares about us, wants what is best for us, speaks truth to us, and is of great encouragement — one of our strongest supporters and allies. We view this person as someone who has integrity is honest, is ambitious, is trustworthy, and will always be there for us.
Yet, once we say our “I Dos,” sometimes that all seems to disappear, and we find ourselves in relationships that are not as caring, loving, and supportive as we had first thought.
It now seems this person’s words don’t match what they do. And that's the quickest way to damage a relationship.
7 ways a relationship is damaged when words don't match actions
1. You feel unimportant
When someone says all the right things, but he does not actually follow through on them it can feel very unsettling. Maybe he tells you that you are unique and important to him but then spends more time with friends and doing activities that are important to him than with you. Maybe he promises to always provide for you, yet he spends the money not on you or your family but on himself and his interests.
2. You can no longer trust your partner's relationship with the truth
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You also question whether you can trust your spouse with the important things in life when it appears that you cannot trust him with the less important things. Again, he may use words to convince you that he will take action and ensure that things are taken care of, but then you observe nothing happening to show that his words are true.
3. You wonder if you're being set up for failure
How can you go through life together hearing one thing and seeing another? How can you trust anything about this person? He is not the person you thought he was when you fell in love with him.
4. Resentment begins to build
You become unwilling to respond positively to his wants and needs. There is no reason, from your perspective, to continue to meet his needs and expectations of you.
Resentment can stem from many sources, but studies have shown that it could begin with a small instance of your partner doing you wrong or humiliating you at some point. Whatever the reason, though, resentment can be a tall hurdle to overcome.
5. Your relationship looks dysfunctional
There is constant fighting, and you feel alone and worthless. The belief that you would have a good and healthy relationship is fading away. You become discouraged and feel hopelessness taking up residence in your heart.
6. You will be tempted to treat your partner just as badly
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You give him back what he has given you — nothing. Your heart is broken, and pieces of it are continually being chipped away.
7. You may even run into serious financial problems
There is nothing left to give. You no longer believe that his words count for anything. Because his words have been so different from his actions, you have come to a place where you cannot trust him and have difficulty believing you could ever forgive him. As far as you're concerned, the relationship is over.
Relationships don’t have to end when you find yourself in this predicament.
You are understandably hurt and filled with pain, but if both people are willing to take a long, hard look at what went wrong and commit to making significant changes, the relationship can become even better than you thought it was at the beginning.
Forgiveness is one of the most important things you can do to repair the damage. You must learn to forgive yourself, as well as the spouse who has let you down over and over again.
Most couples cannot do the repair work needed without professional help.
Don’t give up. Seek help and work hard to have the relationship you have truly longed for.
Drs. Debbie and David McFadden are relationship and life coaches with master's degrees in education and social work. They specialize in helping struggling and distressed couples improve their relationships.