I'm A Therapist, And This Is How I Interrupt The Most Damaging Interaction In Relationships
How loving couples go from bliss to misery, and how to reset their connection.
Anastasia Shuraeva | Pexels You've probably heard by now that contempt is considered one of the "Four Horsemen" that can destroy relationships. Sometimes contempt bubbles subtly during courtship. Other times, it springs out as soon as a couple encounters their first disagreement.
One type of contempt is an expression (by choice of words, tone of voice, or facial changes) that the other person is inferior, damaged, or beneath consideration. This can result in intentional or unintentional physical, psychological, emotional, financial, or intimate harm applied by one person to another or by two people colluding consciously or unconsciously to harm each other.
Another type of contempt is when power is used by one person to harm another and, by extension, harms the relationship.
How contempt sneaks into otherwise great relationships
Pat and Laura show us the impact of contempt
Pat is the third of five children of a dysfunctional marriage in which status, position, wealth, and charm were emphasized as definitions of and paths to adult success. Masculinity was entitled to achieve status and wealth. The father in his family routinely controlled and belittled his mother and criticized all five children for perceived failures of enterprise in school or social involvement.
Pat is a big man, tall, handsome, industrious and financially successful. He has created several businesses and primarily relaxes from the pressure of his successful enterprises through travel. He has many acquaintances and business connections but few friends. He exudes confidence and privately says he doesn’t have the time or inclination to foster or nurture friendships.
Laura is the only child of a poorly educated, underprivileged marriage. Her parents had no aspirations for her intellectual, educational, or vocational success. She was persistently admonished not to be “full of herself” and not to expect much from life. Accepting her life as the one God had chosen for her was the path to contentment. Happiness and aspiration were not part of the family dynamic.
However, Laura was smart, funny, and pretty. As a teenager, she did not excel in school but did well enough to be under the radar of teachers and counselors. She was popular and pursued by the popular boys. She got involved in drugs early in her high school years and got pregnant shortly after she graduated from high school. Abortion was not an option for her, so she was a single mother when she and Pat met.
Their marriage set the stage for conflict
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Their marriage in the ‘80s was practically a foregone conclusion. Two fun-loving, attractive, 20-somethings who enjoyed cannabis and a little cocaine were surrounded by friends of a similar lifestyle.
Laura took her role as a parent rather casually and depended on her mother, with whom she lived, for early care of the child. Laura’s mother was only periodically employed, but she had boyfriends and husbands who managed to support her. Laura’s mother never expected much of Laura, and she provided child care when Laura was working steadily as a waitress or retail clerk. Welfare, food stamps, and Pat provided just enough.
Pat accepted the child but did not take an active parent role. He was rising in employment with an electronics degree and ambition to took him into the new computer industry, where he made connections and, with a partner, started the first of his businesses.
Financial success followed quickly, but there was no time for family life. They married in their mid to late 20s. Pat’s talent and ambition produced money, intensity, and arrogance. Laura became a housewife and an adequate mother. Two more children were born in quick succession after 10 years.
Their business helped them develop contempt
Fast forward to the mid-90s, when they came to see me professionally, Laura was increasingly dissatisfied with her role as a mother and housewife, and she wanted her own position as a business owner. Both Laura and Pat had a talent for seeing new possibilities.
Due to her upbringing, Laura was not confident she could be a business owner, but Pat had enough confidence and ambition for them both. He started a new business with Laura as the president while he continued his other enterprises both with and separate from his partner. The business was largely Laura’s vision but required Pat’s experience and acumen to become successful, which it did.
As is true for most couples, they came to see me in conflict. As Julie and John Gottman have noted, whether it’s a new problem or the same old one over and over again, the first three minutes of conflict count. Those three minutes set the stage for the conflict and how the present problem will or will not be resolved.
Contempt happens in the first three minutes of conflict
Contempt is both the most quickly damaging dysfunction and the most lethal to the relationship when it has a repetitive presence in the way the couple interacts, initiates a problem, and initiates a response. Unless a couple walks into the office arguing, contempt is not likely to be immediately apparent and will rear its ugly head only after the therapist has inquired about what brings the couple in.
Nevertheless, contempt, when present, is the real problem, not the statements about why they are in the office, except when contempt has become so toxic one person has been worn down over time. In that case, the “victim” of contempt will quickly say to the therapist they have had it, can’t take it anymore, and are thinking of ending the relationship.
Pat said in the first few minutes he’d had it with Laura’s continued harping about his tone of voice and her dismissal of his hard work in producing their comfortable lifestyle, which he implied was largely his production. Arrogance and entitlement often underlie contempt.
Laura wept with pain and frustration. Her anger rose the more she gave examples of HIS contemptuous dismissal: pointedly ignoring her, talking about her failures and idiosyncrasies to others in her presence, sarcastically “thanking God” she had him. He denied he thought little of her contributions to their success, taking the one-up position of “mansplaining” how he was merely creating a fuller picture of their life.
An article in Symposion Journal helps show how “Mansplaining” is a subtle form of contempt, implying she isn’t smart or capable enough to be “fair” or accurate. Laura exploded, shouting, “See?! This is how he talks to me all the time.” And the voice of contempt now came from Laura’s mouth, “He’s such a lousy husband! All he thinks about is money and sex! He doesn’t care about my feelings. He just wants me to shut up. And he’s not much in the sack!” Her contempt topped it off, and had they been at home, a real screaming match would have ensued.
Contempt is real life for many couples
It’s not the only way the story might have gone. She might have collapsed in tears. He might have taken the injured little boy's position, possibly trying to comfort, even apologize to her. And I still didn’t know what they wanted to change or what had happened. Why? Because the real problem was contempt, as suggested by an article in the Emotion Review.
My job as their therapist was to get in the middle of their contempt
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First, empathize with the exhaustion they’re both feeling. Then, as Terry Real teaches, speak truth to power, “Pat, where did you learn to be so contemptuous? Who did it to you, or who did you see do it and get away with it, or who did you do it to without consequence?” Then, I challenge her to persistently tell him where she’s heading without change. “Laura, what will you do if he doesn’t get his contempt under control?”
If I want to work with a couple in conflict who are fueled by contempt, I put my observations and questions right in the arena. The fire is hot, but I have established my presence. Diluting the active conflict by taking a history or asking about insurance will blunt the energy necessary for change. I can get the information just before I end the session after the two questions stated above have been answered.
Therapy is hard work for a couple — and the therapist
Therapy with a couple in the thrall of contempt is hard work. For the couple, the presence of contempt eventually leads to divorce or violence, as shown by research in the Journal of Interpersonal Violence. The therapist must stay very focused on contempt and ready to interrupt it immediately. I will disempower contempt by putting different words in their mouths, thus both marking and correcting contempt.
If you are the perpetrator of contempt, you must muster the courage to own it. You can learn to step out of entitlement, listen to yourself thinking before words are said, and consider what else could be said.
If you are the victim of contempt, you have to take a strong stance with a “Velvet Hammer” by speaking the truth to the other person without contempt.
No matter what, you cannot do this alone. If contempt is overpowering your relationship, find a good therapist, one who is strong enough to speak truth to power and who will not accept meekness or avoidance as a solution. And as you search, Remember Love!
William "Bill" Meleney is a Washington state-licensed mental health counselor and a licensed marriage and family therapist.