The 3 Emotional Pillars At The Heart Of The Most Romantic Real-Life Relationships
Practice these three habits for a healthy, enduring relationship.
Dean Drobot | Canva You're healthy, and you do everything "right". You sleep well, exercise, enjoy work, and may even engage in spiritual practice and fun hobbies. But you're unhappy because your relationship isn't what you wish it could be.
Is your relationship suffering from complaint, criticism, or control? Is there yelling and disrespect in your relationship when things get heated? Is your partner disregardful, inattentive, or persistently interrupting? These insidious problems result in unhappiness and isolation, separation, or estrangement.
The three pillars at the heart of the most romantic relationships
1. Mindfulness
By mindfulness, I'm talking about ongoing and active attention to our thoughts, feelings, and sensations in a manner that answers the question, "What’s going on with me right now?"
Because the brain is "wired" for time, that question usually leads to other self-aware thoughts such as what, why, who, when, how, and where.
This self-awareness differs from the mindfulness discipline of clearing the brain, which is a method of de-stressing and grounding oneself, as shown in a study from Toronto Metropolitan University. Both processes of mindfulness are healthy, not antithetical to one another, and as you will see, one may lead to the other.
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2. Intentionality
Intentionality is the process of self-direction, decision-making, and evaluation of consequences. While mindfulness is present-centered, intentionality is future-oriented.
By engaging yourself with questions of wants, needs, relational connections, and goals, you create a future narrative that, with ongoing evaluation of its consistency with your values, gives a purposeful path forward.
A study found in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin indicates when the formation of intent is consistently informed by mindfulness as described above, it becomes flexible and open to adaptation and re-evaluation.
3. Determination
Determination is the action to enliven mindfulness and intentionality. Determination transforms them from internal experience to tangible behavior. To be fully empowered and empowering, determination must be a daily practice, "Today, I will..."
Intention without determination is idle and passive, capricious and fickle. To be determined, you must be focused and demanding of yourself, as evidenced in an exploration of self-determined behavior published in the Psychological Inquiry Journal.
Here's why mental and relational wellness requires all three pillars
Relational wellness is key to long-term relationship success
In 40 years as a counselor and psychotherapist, I've met thousands of individuals, couples, and parents who seem healthy and happy on the surface, but that one key factor is still missing.
While there's plenty of information and opinion about mental health, the topic of relational wellness is largely missing. Most people who are unhappy with their primary relationship are not living with verbal, physical, or substance abuse — the relationship is suffering from more subtle trouble.
We are missing the need for and benefits of a different set of mental wellness aspects that are especially important in relationships: Self-awareness, decisive internal and behavioral action, and committed follow-through.
When a person lives with these ways of being, they are living consciously and continually growing, no matter age, medical condition, socio-economic standing (when basic needs are met and when the environment of life is safe), or level of education.
Mental health and mental illness are conditions defined by the present mind/body interaction. C. Robert Cloninger of Washington University School of Medicine, in an exploration of an integrated approach to mental health, supports that mental wellness, however, is an active fluctuating process and is upheld and transformative when the three pillars interact dynamically.
They are not a sequence, but each affects the others, and like a roof, all three are necessary for protecting the self from negative influence and allowing the self to grow and thrive.
Mindfulness (active self-awareness) without intention or discipline is mere self-absorption. With intention but without determination, mindfulness is idle or capricious; with determination but without (ethical) intention, it's controlling or criminal.
Intentionality without value-driven self-awareness (mindfulness) but with determination is also controlling or obsessive. Intentionality with neither mindfulness nor determination is an accident waiting to happen.
In relationships, it's captured by, "Oops! I didn’t know, or I didn’t mean it!" Or, it's offending from the victim's position as retaliation.
Determination in the absence of both mindfulness and intentionality is disregardful or mean. Mindful determination without intentionality is purposeless, and mindful intentionality without determination is momentary, a flash in the pan.
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When one or more of the three pillars is missing, there's trouble in your relationship
People are capable of being self-aware, forming intent, and following through diligently on decisions.
In healthy relationships, all three pillars are interacting. In a relationship that's in trouble, at least one pillar is absent in one or both partners. For example, when your relationship suffers from complaint, criticism, or control, your mate is intentional but not mindful of yourself or others (you).
If yelling and bullying are too common, your partner is determined but not mindful and possibly without intentionality.
When your mate is disregardful, inattentive, or persistently interrupting, mindfulness is absent. They might be intentional but are also without determination (to be relational).
Each pillar functions independently
When your mate listens to and attends to you and seeks clarification to understand your experience without defensiveness, they are being mindful.
When they make a promise to be responsive to your needs or wishes, they are being intentional. When they're actively responsive and non-defensive, they're determined.
They interact together to support and protect a great relationship. I am describing the relationship and the partner you probably want. To get that partner, you must be that partner.
A couple who takes a few minutes throughout their day to check in with themselves and their partner, create daily relational intention, and speak and act congruently with that intention is wrapping their relationship in love and regard.
Engaging with each other, dreaming together, and correcting inevitable relational errors by active use of the three pillars of relational wellness will make you a terrific team.
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William "Bill" Meleney is a Washington state-licensed mental health counselor, licensed marriage and family therapist, psychotherapist, and life coach. He has 30 years of experience and expertise in helping clients deal with relationships, parenting, and mental health.