11 Alarm Bell Signs Your Partner May Secretly Want To Break Up With You
Sadly, some relationships only exist because one party doesn’t want to drop the conveniences of the relationship.
Dean Drobot | Canva Breakups are one of those things that no one wants to deal with, especially if you’ve been together for years. That’s why many of us stay in relationships that no longer serve us or that we’re not totally happy in. We’re comfortable. It’s a matter of it being “too good to leave, too bad to stay.”
The thing is, you shouldn’t ever stay with someone who secretly wants to leave you, because eventually, they will. Rather than try to convince them to stay, it may be time to cut the cords and find someone who’s thrilled about being with you.
Here are 11 signs your partner secretly wants to break up with you:
1. Weird vibes
Sometimes, you can’t always tell what your partner is thinking, but you can just sense they’re unhappy. Maybe it’s the way they smile. Maybe it’s the fact that they just don’t feel happy anymore. Something about the way their aura reads is just … wrong. It almost feels like you have to walk on eggshells around them.
Sound familiar? This is almost always a sign that a breakup is probably on the horizon.
Your gut doesn’t lie. If you have a bad gut feeling, then you should listen to it. Feeling like you need to walk on eggshells and dance on glass is never normal in a relationship.
2. Unfunny jokes
Does your partner “jokingly” call you stupid, annoying, or boring? Do they joke about hitting you or say they’d leave if they could? While those comments might be framed as a joke, there’s truth to what they are saying.
That’s how they really feel about you — they’re just letting it slip in a way that is somewhat socially acceptable. If they keep making those jokes, it’s a sign they really do want to hurt you and/or leave.
3. No effort
A lot of people will stop putting effort into a relationship or chores because they think their relationship is a given — as if their partner would never leave. That’s usually a good signal to leave regardless, but there’s another side to this that most people don’t think about.
When a person puts in zero effort, they don’t plan dates. They answer your questions with single-word answers. They don’t touch you. They don’t buy you gifts on their birthday or try to plan something out for your anniversary.
No effort means they don’t do anything to make you happy. If you try to ask them to do something, they won’t. They just sit there like an angry lump — or a lump that lost interest.
If you notice that your partner refuses to put in effort even when you’re begging them to, this is often a sign that they’re trying to get you to dump them. The idea is that it’s easier to be deadweight and force your hand than it is to be the “bad guy” and do the dumping.
4. No more commitment
When you first started dating, they were all about love, marriage, and babies. Now, they only want the baby. All of a sudden, talk about marriage went out the window. When you ask them about marriage or an engagement ring, they seem uncomfortable and try to change the subject. Trying to get an answer or a timeline seems like pulling teeth.
Sound familiar? Well, they changed their mind about keeping you around. They see an endpoint to the relationship. They aren’t quite ready to leave, but they want to get as much as possible out of you.
They’re comfortable but don’t take that as a good thing. It means they don’t want to keep you around. They are reaping the benefits, but they’re looking to leave if they find someone better.
5. Smack talking
Have you caught your significant other talking ill about you to others? Maybe it was something along the lines of complaining about your looks or the way you keep house. Or, perhaps it was something a little worse.
A good rule of thumb is to consider what people say about you to others as their personal truth. If you’ve overheard your partner saying they settled for you, that’s your indicator they want to leave. You might as well beat them to the punch. That’s your sign that you deserve better.
6. Mentions of unhappiness
Be very careful if you start hearing your partner say they aren’t happy with their lives or if they mention feeling trapped. While this is often a sign of depression, it also tends to be a sign your partner isn’t happy with you.
Many people wrongly blame their partners for their depression. They may associate their mental illness with you or feel resentful about the way your relationship’s trajectory went.
You should always take the phrase “I’m not happy,” seriously. This is your sign to sit down with them and ask what they want to do. Have a serious conversation where you point out that you being their spouse isn’t the problem — assuming, of course, you’re not making their life miserable.
7. 'Backburner' cheating
Not all cheaters want to leave their partners, but a whole lot of them do. If your partner has been increasingly distant and icy, that’s a major warning sign they prefer their affair partner over you.
Most people who end up cheating on their partners will beg for forgiveness simply because they realize they’ll be chewed up and spat out by the courts. The only reason they’re staying is because they enjoy the lifestyle you provide.
In reality? If they were given the chance, they’d leave in a heartbeat. The ones who seriously have been unhappy at home are the ones who don’t even show remorse when caught. They tend to be the ones who ask about open relationships or just tell you they want to leave you for their new partner.
8. Bottom priority
Perhaps the most noticeable sign that your partner wants to dump you deals with priorities. A partner who’s really gung-ho about your life together will make you priority #1, with the only exception being their kids. The less a person wants to be with you, the lower you will be on their priority list.
For example, do you find that their work suddenly takes up more and more of their time? Do their needs always trump yours, even when you’re in serious pain?
People tend to deprioritize and exclude partners they no longer love or care about. They likely want to dump you if you constantly find yourself last on their list (or even third or fourth). Or worse, people who deprioritize you probably just don’t care if you stick around.
9. Always booked
Did you notice your partner suddenly becoming busy for no reason? Maybe it got worse and worse as time passed.
While things like workaholism can cause your partner to bundle themselves up in work, the truth is that it’s usually something else. People often will book themselves in work or group outings as a way to cope with an unhappy home life. It’s their way of avoiding you without making it seem like they openly dislike you.
In some cases, the constant bookings are done because they are working to get their ducks in a row to leave you. They’re doing what they can to live a separate life from you as much as possible because that is their future. The more they come up with extra “stuff” to do to avoid you, the more likely they are to secretly want to leave. This is often what people notice right before they get “blindsided” with divorce papers.
People who secretly want to break up with a partner will start to walk away, lose interest in intimacy, and start living life as if they’re single again. Among psychologists and relationship experts, this is a process called “uncoupling.”
10. Disrespect and abuse
It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to realize that abuse is the sign that you need to leave — even if your partner says they want to keep you around.
Abusive relationships are not okay nor are they normal. Abusers don’t like the people they abuse. If they did, they wouldn’t hurt them. It would hurt the abuser to see their loved ones hurt. They do it because they want to control their victims or because they want a punching bag.
However, there’s also another side to abuse and disrespect that others don’t discuss. People who are afraid of “looking like the bad guy” in relationships will often turn to abuse as a way to try to “shake off” their current partner. When their current partner dumps them, they can still play the victim because they were dumped.
11. Their friends and family distanced themselves
I will be blunt: I’ve never seen this be a sign of a good thing in a relationship. In fact, this tends to be pretty darn bad. When your partner’s friends and family suddenly seem to ice you out, it’s because your partner badmouthed you to them. In some cases, your partner might refuse to let you hang out with them.
This is part of uncoupling. Your partner has already decided they don’t want to stay with you. Getting you away from their friends is a good way to make a clean break.
Perhaps the worst sign you can get about the state of your relationship is when your formerly friendly partner’s friends make it clear they don’t like you. This indicates they likely heard your partner accusing you of cheating or abuse. This is a sign that you might want to clear the air with them to figure out if it’s something you said. If it’s not, well … I’ve got bad news for you. I’d start working on breakup logistics if I were you.
Ossiana Tepfenhart is a writer on Medium, Substack, and more. She is also the founder of RaggedRiches, a personal finance site for people who don't fit the typical wealth mold.