6 Red Flags You And Your Partner Should Not Go On Vacation Together, According To Experts
Stop planning your vacation together if you see these red flags.
MarijaRadovic | Canva You've been waiting and anticipating finally getting some time to spend alone together on vacation, but suddenly you stop. You've noticed a red flag in the relationship to indicate it is not time for a vacation, instead it might be time for conflict resolution.
Here are 6 red flags you and your partner should not go on vacation together, according to experts:
1. There was unequal work planning the vacation
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Don't go on vacation together if one person does all the planning, while the other person doesn't contribute to the planning and only complains, according to a study on inequality in family work it might be time for resolution or counseling.
— Jennifer S Hargrave, Managing Partner, Hargrave Family Law
2. You disagree all the time in everyday life
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If you can't agree on where to stay, what to do with your time, where to eat, and how much money to take with you, definitely don't go on a vacation. Some people can never agree.
However, research on marital stability in long-term marriage supports that you can work out a compromise for how to plan for a vacation. For example, I get to pick the hotel or decide how much money to take, and you get to choose what to do with our time and where to eat. then the little quarrels are more acceptable and you can still risk going on the vacation.
— Dr. Barbara Becker Holstein, Postive Psychologist
3. You've built resentment over the itinerary
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If you have conflicts about where to go, how much to spend, and other details, you might want to pass on that vacation. A study of marital tension supports how resentment may already have built up on one or both sides, and the vacation itself could be ruined by petty (or major!) grievances.
If you find yourself arguing about where to go and how much to spend, you're better off not going. When one party feels they were dragged into agreeing to a plan they didn't like, they may get testy every time they see a bill, or blame you for anything that goes wrong.
If they're ticked, even tiny inconveniences can make them blow their lid. "Why did you make me come to this awful place?" are not the words you want to hear when you hoped for a pleasant reprieve from daily stress.
Bottom line: don't book those reservations until you both approve of the vacation plan.
— Dr Gloria Brame, Ph.D, Therapist
4. There is underlying trouble at home
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Often there are expectations set for the time away together that can bring a couple closer together. However, if there is trouble at home, there will be trouble in paradise as well.
Invest in your foundation of commitment, communication, and compromise first, as supported by research from Mount Marty University on healthy relationships. Just like a wedding won’t fix relationship challenges, a vacation won’t fix marital ones. Both scenarios are stressful from planning, organizing, and budgeting and can exasperate what is already taxing.
— Ann Papayoti, PCC, Relationship Coach
5. You have guilt about going
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We started the year with one goal in mind: A grown-up vacation, without our two daughters. No deadlines, no early morning wake-ups, no dirty diapers or time-out chairs. We planned to go to New York, the same place we'd honeymooned almost a decade ago.
As suggested in research from the Journal of Family Psychology, the traces of guilt set in long before the plane ever took off — without us on it. By June our plans had changed from 5 days in NYC to 3 days in San Francisco because we didn't want to disrupt the summer camp that our oldest daughter was so looking forward to. Can you imagine the guilt?
Fast forward to July and we'd revised our itinerary once again: Two days at a lake a half-day's drive away. Our 2-year-old had suddenly stopped sleeping through the night, and I didn't feel right about asking her grandma — our one and only sitter — to be up and down and up and down (and up and down) all night long with her.
By the time August hit our romantic summer getaway consisted of a single afternoon together downtown. Don't get me wrong, it was a great afternoon — but so much for those bathrobes and bottles of wine.
6. You'd do better with separate vacations instead of together
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Vacations are a complete bliss with your partner by your side. You love all day, revel in the presence of your partner, and indulge in so many wonderful activities the both of you find interesting together.
"No! My partner is afraid of heights. Let's miss the absolute thrill of bungee jumping. Rather, stare at the hotel's television for the day." They don't like Italian cuisine and you don't like Chinese, so you order lettuce sandwiches. What's worse, you haven't had fun with your friends in a while because all of your recent trips have been with your partner. This is why so many couples take vacations apart.
Taking separate vacations can help you have a happier marriage, as supported by an American Psychological Association study on joint and separated lifestyles in couples relations.
They say "Distance makes the heart grow fonder." Well, it's true. So many happy couples are taking separate vacations and it's only helping their relationship to be healthier.
— Sidhharrth S Kumaar, Spiritual Coach
Vacationing together can be a relationship-strengthening time, but only if the time spent together is relaxing, communicative, and compassionate. When vacation planning starts stressfully, or underlaying adds stress to the planning, it might be good to consider postponing the vacation or considering other options.
Will Curtis is a creator, editor, and activist who has spent the last decade working remotely.