5 Quick Qs To Ask Yourself Before You Dump That Guy
A quick checklist before you say goodbye forever.
annastills | Canva There's no denying it. We live in a throwaway culture. The urge to "toss it and get a new one" can be difficult to ignore. These tendencies carry over to relationships, too.
When a relationship hits a rough spot because of mistrust, cheating, jealousy, fighting, or the effects of merely growing apart, there's an internal push-pull that results. Will you work to patch together your relationship and hope for the best or will you walk away? To figure out what to do next, start by trying a few new things. They might be uncomfortable, but they're worth it in the end.
Four questions to ask before you break up with a guy
1. The Get Real question
This is not the time to fantasize about how you wish your partner would look at you and talk to you. This is not the moment to pretend your relationship is like what you've seen or heard about (whether better or worse). To decide your future that will help you move toward happiness and the love you want, you've got to be real.
As much as possible, take on the perspective of an observer. Focus on words, actions, and feelings instead of attempting to come up with a "good" or "bad" judgment about your relationship (or your partner or yourself). This test will show you a more objective truth about the relationship.
2. The Fact-Check question
When you're "getting real" about your relationship, restrict yourself to considering the facts. You can't know what your partner "really" thinks about you or what (or who) he or she "secretly" wants, but you can take a closer look at the reliable and verifiable information you have.
This test will show you whether you've been living in reality or if you've been demonizing them or putting them on a pedestal —. or if you truly want to dump them.
3. The Brainstorm question
To fix the relationship problems you've uncovered as well as those you've known about all along, you're going to have to get creative. They say "If you keep doing what you've always done, you're going to get more of the same." It's trite, but it's true. Take that to heart.
Take out a sheet of paper, set aside your doubts, and brainstorm possible resolutions to the difficult questions and conundrums you and your partner are dealing with. This test forces you to look at realistic problems, not just all the big feelings you're experiencing.
4. The Uncomfortable question
As you ponder the "outside-the-box" solutions that you've brainstormed, pick one (or more) that you're willing to try. If your choice is something that you feel uncomfortable about, you're probably onto something worthwhile!
Remember, there's an important difference between doing what's uncomfortable and doing what is inauthentic or what goes against your ethics. Listen to yourself and nudge yourself to take wise risks and practice new ways to be in your relationship.
Ask your partner to create agreements with you around these solutions, so you're working as a team to repair your relationship. This test helps you see how collaborative your partner sees your relationship — and whether the two of you are on the same page about what truly matters.
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Finally, reassess
Take notice when a new way of communicating or interacting with your partner brings you two closer together. Keep doing that!
Also, notice when the tension and the distance get bigger or intensify. As you reassess your relationship and recognize the improvements — or lack thereof — you'll know what's working and you'll see when the signs indicate that it's time to let the relationship go.
Exceptions:
Here are a few situations when you must make a quick decision:
- If you are being physically, emotionally, or in any other way abused by your partner, take immediate action and get somewhere safe. Look online for resources, like a shelter or domestic violence prevention organization to help.
- If you are being abusive to your partner, take the initiative now to stop the violence and put some space between the two of you, temporarily or permanently. Get help from a therapist or counselor.
- If a child is being hurt or abused, make the child's well-being your top priority. Get the child to safety and with adults who will help him or her start to heal.
If violence and abuse are not going on, but you are unhappy, dissatisfied, hurting, and wondering whether or not you should stay in or leave the relationship, use these 5 tips to get clear and make a decision that's best for you.
Susie and Otto Collins are Certified Transformative Coaches who help awaken love and possibilities in your life.