3 Reasons Playing It Cool Is Terrible For Your Future Love Life
You've heard the advice a million times, but those people never considered this.
eclipse_images | Canva The advice to “play it cool” in a new relationship has been given by many people, from Think Like A Man to the 1990s cult hit The Rules, and even your own sweet grandmother, we're told to be a little "hard to get".
In ways, it kind of makes sense. When you and your date are just getting to know one another, it can be wise to allow room. You don't want to crowd this interesting and attractive new person in your life or pressure them to move faster than is comfortable. But in other ways, it can prove disastrous for your love life, and may even push away people you could care deeply for.
Here are 3 reasons playing it cool is terrible for your future love life.
1. You're likely acting out of fear
This person is not your ex. We know a big reason why many people play it cool in a new relationship is because they've been hurt and betrayed in the past. They're hesitant to get hurt again, and we understand that.
There may have been lying and cheating in your past. You might have felt taken for granted or disrespected in your previous relationship, and the last thing you want is a repeat.
We urge you to stay aware of what is happening with a new person and to keep reminding yourself you're not with your ex. This is a different person. While there might be similarities, don't react as if you're with your ex by holding back because you're worried you'll be hurt again. In each moment, stay tuned to what is true for you and what you need so you can make decisions about how open you'll be based on the present and not the past.
2. Holding back sends mixed messages
While making yourself inaccessible might sound like a good idea, it can lead to a fizzled romance. Your data may become confused and frustrated trying to figure you out. When you hold back, you send a message to your date that says they and this new relationship aren't all that important to you.
Playing it cool might have the opposite result than what you want. Your behavior could come off as mysterious, or it could seem to the other person that you are cold and aloof. Instead of moving closer to you, the new person in your life may think you're rejecting them.
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Be as accessible and available as is genuine for you. Don't put your life on hold for your date, but if this new relationship is a priority for you, don't hide that.
3. Playing it cool blocks connection
One essential element to a healthy and happy relationship at any stage is connection. The connection between you and your date is what makes it a relationship. You two are linked, if only for a brief time. Whether you are just having fun or are serious and committed to one another, there is some form of connection.
Before you deliberately hold back or pretend you are uninterested (when you are), remind yourself of the damage you are doing to this new relationship. Make choices that open you up to connection. Relax and have fun with this person you enjoy being with and may spend your life loving.
You want to give the relationship a chance to come together naturally and grow
Every situation is different. There are plenty of couples who fell in love soon after they first met. There was no question of whether or not to make a long-term commitment for these couples, it just happened fast.
Other couples took longer to decide being a couple was what they wanted. For these couples, the attractive pull may not have been as evident at the start. Over time, however, it became clear that being together was right for them.
Our point is, that you can't always know whether the new relationship you're in will end up being a long-term commitment or whether it's not meant to last. This doesn't make the relationship any less important. Every date and relationship you have can help you to grow and learn.
What's the harm in playing it cool?
If you deliberately hold back and keep yourself close to the people you date, the consequences can be big and negative.
If you hide what is true, you're essentially being dishonest. If your relationship does continue, this habit will erode trust. Your partner will not know what is real and true about your words and actions.
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Now, if you believe you are in love with this person and you've only been on a couple of dates, be wise. It can feel overwhelming to hear “I love you” from someone when you don't know them that well or if you don't feel the same level of intensity.
Find ways to be open and authentic that fit the situation. Tune in to your date. What are they saying to you when you're together? How does your date treat you? How do you treat your date?
Use observable information to decide how much and when to share how you feel and what you want for the future.
Susie and Otto Collins are Certified Transformative Coaches who help awaken love and possibilities in your life.