5 Psychological Reasons Why People Aren’t Always Honest About Themselves
The truth behind the facade.
Mitchell Griest | Unsplash We all have been friends with people who tried to portray themselves as different from who they are. Whether they portray themselves as the victim or hero in every story, over-explain their accomplishments to seek compliments, or exaggerate their struggles for sympathy — not everything they reveal is true.
They may seem honest and truthful, but there is much more behind this facade. The way they present themselves aligns with how they perceive themselves which is called self-representation. What you see is not always true.
Here are 5 psychological reasons why people aren't always honest about themselves:
1. They want social approval
The primary reason why they’re not presenting the whole truth is they are dying to get social approval. Humans desire to be liked by others and to fit in social gatherings which often makes them modify traits of their personalities. Sometimes, peer pressure drives people to fake or lie to be accepted by a particular group, hiding traits that may not be appreciated by others.
People exaggerate or fabricate qualities to appear relatable or likable. This behavior is also called impression management whether it’s to gain sympathy, admiration, or respect, they want to leave a good impression with a motive. So, when someone is portraying themselves in a specific light, they’re reflecting how they want to be perceived and not revealing their true selves.
Research studies have shown that a high "need for social approval" is linked to behaviors like conforming to social norms, seeking positive feedback from others, and experiencing anxiety when facing potential disapproval. Studies often utilize the Marlowe-Crowne Social Desirability Scale to measure this need, a 2005 study.
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2. They want to protect their self-esteem
This is the most common one. Human behavior is complicated; they try to protect their self-esteem by showing themselves in a positive light. Who likes to be exposed? No one.
The sins, the guilt, the regret, nobody likes to share their evil side with anyone. Humans are vulnerable and fear being judged or criticized by others.
This doesn’t mean deceiving or lying, they’re trying to make a shield to protect themselves from negative opinions. They feel safe in that shield and hate being exposed. This is how they defend themselves against feeling judged or hurt. Sometimes, their self-esteem makes it harder for them to be real and form genuine connections with people. There’s always a reason behind every action.
So, if someone is focusing on a particular thing too much, then there’s a motive behind it. According to psychologist Carl Rogers, we create a mental image of who we are, which is called self-concept. Roger says people start loving the idealized version of themselves, and when the reality doesn’t align with this version, they start lying to bridge the gap between who they want to be and who they are.
3. They have confirmation bias
Cognitive biases play a big role in how we portray ourselves in front of people. For instance, let’s talk about confirmation bias, which means people focus on information that aligns with their existing beliefs and avoid accepting beliefs that don’t.
If I already liked someone because they were good to me, the negative perceptions of others about that person wouldn’t affect my perception. I will reject their information and accept what aligns with my existing beliefs.
Now, this perfectly explains the love experiences of this generation. They believe in the first impression of a person or how the other person portrays themselves. They avoid digging into what they’re hiding which is the most important thing to focus on. Sometimes people don’t even know they have a habit of lying. They don’t accept it, they live in the fantasy world where they are the heroes.
When the mask comes off after getting comfortable, you realize ‘this person wasn’t who they appeared to be.’ You may have heard this from friends or family around you. So, if someone you think is lying about themselves — they aren’t lying.
Their story is one-sided because of the confirmation bias. They might genuinely believe that they are being truthful about themselves or something they like to align with their existing beliefs. They believe they are honest even though their words don’t match their actions.
Research studies have consistently demonstrated the power of confirmation bias. According to a 2016 research found in the Journal of Behavior Therapy and Experimental Psychiatry, people tend to actively seek out information that supports their existing beliefs while disregarding contradictory evidence, often leading to skewed perceptions and decision-making across various contexts.
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4. They're insecure
People with insecurity issues about some aspects of their lives feel the urge or need to overcompensate by showing a positive version of themselves. The fear of failure, judgment, and rejection can make these people reshape their narrative about themselves and leave out the less flattering details to get validation.
Some people hide their struggles to maintain a strong impression. They don’t like sharing challenges with others, which may create an impression of incompetence. It’s wise not to share everything with everyone, but if you’re hiding challenges just to not look incompetent, it is something problematic.
This behavior leads to emotional suppression, increases stress, and leads to anxiety or depression. It can also result in a lack of support from others, as the individual misses out on genuine empathy and help. Additionally, maintaining a facade of strength can distort self-image and strain personal relationships, as genuine connections rely on mutual vulnerability and support.
Research published in 2023 has found that feelings of insecurity are significantly linked to negative impacts on subjective well-being, often leading to increased negative emotions, decreased life satisfaction, and a lower sense of control. Studies have also explored how insecurity can manifest in different areas of life, including social relationships, employment, health, and even political behaviors, with factors like childhood experiences, social comparisons, and lack of basic needs contributing to feelings of insecurity.
5. They're social chameleons
Have you ever noticed how our behavior changes when we sit in a company where fashion is discussed or where people gossip about others? We start behaving according to the interests of that specific group without even trying. We even try to compete in conversations sometimes. We want to look knowledgeable and cool in front of others.
Humans compare, and it’s natural to do so, but try to use the ‘comparison logic’ positively. Start learning from the one you’re comparing yourself to. It’s one of the reasons why wise people advise — to sit with people who talk about positive things like success, skills, or self-improvement.
Envy leads to nowhere — it will only boil your blood and fill you with negativity. It’s unhealthy. We fall into the trap of social media, where people are constantly comparing with what others have. Whether it’s related to looks, money, or achievements — we try to get on that level to prove we are better than others.
This toxic cycle of comparison will never end, and it’s a sign of miserable people — they compare. Remember this. If you feel jealous, try to shift your focus, at least try. A person who is content in his life will never compare. You’ll see them lifting others genuinely. They’re not afraid of watching someone else taking their place. If they made their worth, they don’t need to prove it again and again.
This world is full of success stories, make your own. I repeat, stop comparing. If you want to compare, find an inspiration. Compare how they achieved success and follow their ways. This is the only comparison I believe in.
When someone constantly reminds you of their achievements and struggles — they’re trying to look better than others. I bet you’re going to notice this next time. This is called the social comparison theory according to psychologists. This theory suggests that people try to evaluate how better they are than others.
People highlight the best parts of their lives and hide their lows. You’ll observe them highlighting extra details to feature their success story, making it more attractive than it is.
Research from 2022 on social comparison often focuses on how individuals evaluate their abilities and opinions by comparing themselves to others. Key findings show frequent upward comparisons can lead to negative emotions like envy and low self-esteem.
In contrast, downward comparisons can boost self-esteem, though the effects can vary depending on individual personality and context. Social media platforms are frequently studied as a critical environment for social comparison due to the curated nature of online profiles, often leading to more negative comparisons.
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It’s important to understand when someone tells you about themselves that it’s their side of the story. Keep these psychological reasons in mind before trusting someone fully. This will help you to get a more realistic view of the people around you.
When they tell you they are authentic, don’t believe them — this is not the truth. No one on this earth fully knows themselves. Analyze them yourself. There are many reasons why I say this from a psychological perspective. Unresolved traumas, experiences, environment, and genetics all affect the way we think and act.
Try to judge people by their actions rather than their words. We all have flaws, but the flaws should be acceptable not the ones that start affecting your life negatively. Take time to understand a person fully.
Marium is a passionate psychologist, researcher, and writer whose work focuses on mental health, personal development, and human behavior. Her blogs are a mixture of research-based facts, practical self-improvement tips, and personal experiences. S