If A Person Does Any Of These 6 Things, They're Self-Sabotaging And Hard To Be Around
Self-sabotage mode often activates when someone's scared of being hurt.
Vlada Karpovich | Canva Relationships are a beautiful part of life — when they're going right, that is. As with anything, being in a relationship has its pros and cons. And while the pros are great, the cons often hurt.
Dealing with a broken heart isn't easy, so when you've been hurt one too many times it's natural to close yourself off to the prospect of falling in love again. Whether you realize it or not, there are a few things you might do because you're self-sabotaging and afraid of being hurt.
If a person does any of these things, they're self-sabotaging and hard to be around:
1. They distance yourself from the prospect of love
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Love? What’s love? It’s not something they’re interested in finding and right now they’re definitely not going to. Their friends don’t understand why they won’t go on a date with that cute guy at work.
Their family wants to know why their really close girlfriend is just that, a friend. It’s because right now, the thought of getting hurt makes them want to punch themself in the gut so they distance themself from it instead.
2. They make self-deprecating jokes
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Accepting a compliment from someone who could potentially be interested in is a no-go. No way. One compliment could lead to two and who knows maybe even three.
Researchers have realized that we adopt self-deprecation to appear more modest or optimize our statements for a suitable reaction from whomever we speak to. This form of communication is often cleverly disguised for influential and highly-placed people to appear more down-to-earth and win support. Thinking and speaking more positively about yourself is essential to properly balancing out self-deprecating behavior.
A 2019 study explained that just as self-deprecation becomes close to second nature in your interactions, cultivate a culture where you view and communicate with yourself positively and constructively. So, they put up a block with a self-deprecating joke or two to keep from accepting a meaningful compliment from someone they hate to admit they find a bit hot.
3. Dating around
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They show up at brunch in the same clothes as they wore last night and their friends give them a consistent head shake. The same look they’ve gotten since things with your ex ended.
They’ve had a string of weekend boyfriends or girlfriends and that’s totally okay with them. But their friends don’t get it.
They could literally have their pick of anyone but they choose to spend their time with people who are temporary. It’s because if people are temporary they don’t get the chance to know them on a scary intimate level.
4. They don’t go on real dates
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What’s a real date these days anyway? They ask their friends that question and roll their eyes when they ask them what the last time they went out on a real date is.
Consistently opting for casual, non-committal outings can significantly sabotage a relationship by hindering the development of intimacy, trust, and a deeper connection. A 2020 study published in the Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy found this often stems from underlying fears of commitment or vulnerability, which can ultimately lead to the partner feeling unvalued or unsure about the relationship's future.
They counter them with that answer because they kind of don’t remember the last time they went on a date. They grabbed a drink with that one person 20 minutes before they headed back to their place. That counts… right?
5. They idolize their ex in every conversation
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How can they move on with someone new if they’ve already had the best and lost it? And it hurt. It hurt more than anything.
Because they were in love once and it didn’t work out. That’s pain is enough of a reminder that it’s never going to feel the same way again so there’s no point in trying anyway. No one is going to be their ex. (Pro tip: that’s probably a good thing).
6. They say they’re not ready, even though they’re probably ready
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It’s been maybe months or years since their last relationship ended but they say they’re not ready to get into another. Their life is pretty perfect anyway.
A 2021 study published by BMC Psychology found this often stems from deep-seated insecurities, fear of intimacy, or past negative experiences in relationships. Individuals may subconsciously push away potential partners even when attracted to them, creating distance, avoiding commitment, or finding reasons to downplay the relationship's potential.
Great job. Amazing friends. Numerous hobbies. What more could they want?
But the truth is, if they’re willing to admit it, they’re probably ready to meet someone new. They don’t need someone but the thought of someone being in their space probably wouldn’t be the worst thing. Then they remember how much their last breakup sucked and they put the walls up all over again.
It doesn’t matter if people don’t understand why they’re trying to protect themself, they have to be the one who decides to open themself back up to love. In order to save themself, they’re going to do everything in their power to fight to fall in love again because of the pain it brought the last time around.
But love will hit you when they least expect it and not care if they’re scared of getting hurt. That’s just the way the world works whether they like it or not.
Alex Brown is a writer who’s been featured in Thought Catalog, The Mighty, and Teen Vogue. She writes about love, mental health, and wanderlust. She is the author of You, Me & Depression: A Battle of the Heart and the Mind.