Psychology Says People Who Use These 6 Phrases Usually Never Experience Deep, True Love
Relationship experts explain how we may be self-sabotaging our relationships.
stockfour | Canva We think that the language you use is a good indicator of what is going on inside of your mind and heart. When coaching our clients, we constantly notice how word choices and phrases reveal a deeper belief that blocks them from receiving the love they want.
Many of these phrases are also commonly used in our culture, and we think it is time we, as a society, examined how we communicate — especially these phrases, as they do not support the success of our intimate relationships. Having coached thousands of people to create great marriages and relationships, we'd like to see these phrases eliminated.
People who use these six phrases usually never experience true love:
1. "It wasn't meant to be"
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While it may be true that some things in life are not meant to be (i.e., If you can't carry a tune, you're probably not meant to be the next Adele), this phrase usually indicates a deeper sense of powerlessness.
It's used to indicate that there is a greater force outside of yourself that is deciding what you are worthy of receiving and what you're not.
It's often an excuse used when someone wants to escape an agreement they've already made. Honor your word and if you've agreed to be somewhere, or do something, then just do it!
This seems to show up most often when we've made a commitment to ourselves. We see people letting themselves off the hook because "something" happened that was unforeseen as if creating a dream life should occur without challenge.
Trust us, you'll be challenged all along the way and it doesn't mean some great force is against you. It simply means that when you continue through the struggle and remain committed that is how you will grow into the new way of being that brings you what you desire.
Believing a past relationship wasn't meant to be can negatively affect your ability to find true love by fostering cynicism, making it harder to open up in new relationships fully, and potentially leading to self-sabotaging behaviors due to a fear of getting hurt again, ultimately hindering your ability to trust and commit to a new partner, according to a 2021 BMC Psychology study.
2. "We just grew apart"
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We haven't done any studies on this, but it one of the biggest reasons people say their long-term relationships and marriages fail. No couple is drawn apart by some unforeseen force, like gravity.
It means that one or both parties stopped making the relationship a priority.
This is another example of abdicating your power in your relationships and we think it is a huge copout. It is a way of not taking responsibility for your part in the relationship ending.
A healthy relationship requires that both people invest in it. There are a zillion things a couple can do to work out their differences. We've become much too lax as a society to our commitments.
The skill to create a lasting relationship is something that can be taught and learned. The ridiculous myth that love is supposed to happen by accident, and continue on by accident, has wreaked havoc on our hearts and families.
Accidental love is dysfunctional, and the only way to break this habitual pattern is to learn a whole new way to do it. Make learning how to give and receive love a priority in your life and you'll be one of the lucky people who at the end of this life has zero regrets!
Growing apart in relationships, whether romantic or platonic, often stems from a combination of factors, including changing life priorities, evolving interests, lack of shared experiences, poor communication, personal growth not aligned with the partner, and a lack of effort to maintain connection, leading to a gradual decrease in intimacy and shared values over time. A 2021 study found that individuals may outgrow the relationship dynamics they once shared.
3. "Be careful what you wish for"
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This pessimist's mantra is completely ridiculous. Wishing, dreaming, and hoping are essential first steps to manifesting. Wishing alone will not bring you anything without actions that back up the desire; however, tempering our yearning to protect ourselves in some way is ludicrous.
Why on earth would we need protection from the very thing we want?! The Law of Attraction states we must merge energetically with what we desire to materialize it.
Building a barrier between you and what you wish for will only keep that which you desire further from your grasp. Embrace fully what you wish for.
Create a plan to bring in your beloved — or anything else on your wish list. Taking action is the key to your success.
4. "Relationships are hard work"
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This belief simply sets you up for a life of hard work. We have a friend who was present at the marriage of two therapists. In their vows, they both stated how they know that relationships are "hard work" and how willing they were to do the work necessary to make the relationship successful. Not the most romantic wedding in history, in our humble opinion.
Are relationships work? Yes, of course, they can be. Anything worth having will require "work."
It's the belief in our society that a relationship must be hard that we take issue with. A true soulmate partnership is incredibly easy in the beginning.
And it is this easiness that gets us through the more difficult times. Without the honeymoon period, a relationship can be exhausting, and burn itself out quickly.
If your relationship isn't "easy" in the beginning, then maybe you should look at whether or not this is a relationship you want to invest your time in. Instead of blaming the other person, look inside yourself and see if you have a belief about needing to overcome challenges to prove your worth.
And if your relationship is easy, don't use that as an excuse to not focus on how to better communicate and create intimacy with your partner. If you love someone, then you will do this willingly and it won't seem like work at all.
A 2011 study found that relationships require effort because they involve navigating complex dynamics like differing communication styles, personal baggage, evolving needs, and the need for compromise, all while maintaining trust, respect, and open communication, which necessitates active listening and consistent effort to maintain a strong connection over time. Building and sustaining a healthy relationship involves consciously understanding and adapting to your partner's needs and perspectives.
5. "I'll know it when I see it"
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You instinctively understand and feel a deep connection with someone without needing to overthink or analyze it. It's a feeling you recognize as true love, often described as a "gut feeling" or an undeniable knowing that this person is unique to you.
6. "Love comes when you least expect it"
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And the refrigerator will repair itself when you least expect it. You'll lose that 20lbs when you least expect it. The job you've been hoping for will arrive when you least expect it. It doesn't make sense in other parts of life, so why is it different when it comes to love?
The idea that looking for love, working to create more love, and taking action to find love is not romantic is prevalent throughout our culture.
Just look at online dating. It is probably the best way to find love in the 21st Century. There is a belief that if a couple meets through an online app it's less romantic than if you met accidentally out in the world.
Who cares where you met? You're in love, right? This phrase is used when, once again, we don't want to take responsibility for our results in love. Love is this magical thing that just appears and disappears without warning.
We both spent years struggling in love and it wasn't until we decided that having a loving relationship was the most important thing to each of us that we were able to create our true soul partnership. When we were single, we each looked at our separate patterns in relationships, discovered the common denominator within ourselves, and did the work to heal that part that was sabotaging our past relationships.
We were both very intentional about the type of relationship we wanted and the type of person we were looking to create it with. We then went out in the world (and online) and found it.
From our own personal experience, as well as our clients, great love comes in when we make it a priority to create it. We can't think of anything more romantic than that!
The concept behind "love comes when you least expect it" is primarily tied to reduced pressure and an open mindset when not actively searching for a partner. A 2020 Journal of Social and Personal Relationships study can lead to a more receptive attitude towards potential connections, combined with the influence of factors like surprise and novelty on our attraction to someone.
Orna and Matthew Walters are Soulmate Coaches who have been featured guest experts on Bravo’s "The Millionaire Matchmaker." They're the authors of the free ebook, "7 Steps To Soulmate."