People Who Drift Apart From Their Friends As They Get Older Do So For These 5 Reasons
Some friends are meant for life, others are meant for a season.
Prostock-studio | Canva As I get older and my life becomes more complicated, I've noticed my desire to spend time with certain friends has waned. Not that I don't love and care for them, but for various reasons, these friendships have become too complicated or too negative to warrant the effort it takes to keep them going. How sad.
Yet I have to wonder, is this simply something that happens with age and increased stress? Or is it more? When I look back, the power of hindsight offers a few clues these friendships were ending regardless of what was going on in my life. I don't imagine there was much I could have done to save them because each one had some of the eroding elements.
Here are five reasons people drift apart from their friends as they get older:
1. It's a one-sided friendship
All relationships have a natural ebb and flow to them when it comes to giving and receiving love. This giving comes in the form of listening, making an effort to get together, spending resources on the friendship, you get the idea.
Most harmonious relationships work toward a balance; we want to give and receive. The sign a friendship is becoming out of balance is when this give-and-take becomes overly one-sided.
Examples of this include when you're always the one to make the calls, text, say hello on Facebook/email, ask for a girls' night, do the driving, and pay the tab. For relationships to thrive, the balance sheet has to have some overall equality to it. Stressful times aside, we need to feel if we took score, somehow we'd come up even.
Emotional minimization is also a factor in a one-sided friendship, as personal development coach Pamela Aloia stated, "Sometimes you’re in a one-sided friendship if the friend doesn’t support your emotions or concerns. They may tend to minimize what you feel passionate about without trying to understand your perspective and diminish whatever situation you may be going through. Instead, these people may likely redirect the focus of the conversation to themselves or something completely different to avoid talking about your feelings and helping you through a tough spot."
2. They have become dishonest
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Honesty and genuineness are critical elements necessary to keep friendships alive. When one or both people begin making excuses, trimming stories to leave out details, or outright lying, there is something seriously wrong. When you consider how busy our lives are, the friendships we need to be ones where we can be our true selves without feeling we need to be protective or hide the truth.
A major benefit of friendship is the gift of feeling loved and respected for who we are, and the subsequent effects it has on overall wellbeing as shown by a study in Epidemiology and Psychiatric Sciences Journal. When that's missing, it's a major sign it's time to think about the relationship and if it's worth the effort.
3. The friendship has become overly critical
Friends are supposed to support us; if not, why have them? If we look for it, we can easily find people to tell us all the things we could do better. But is it wise to have those critical souls in our daily lives? Research from the Journal of Behaviour Research and Therapy found people who consistently criticize us hurt our self-esteem.
Furthermore, this kind of behavior hits at two things that are seemingly more problematic: jealousy and cruelty. If someone is constantly pointing out the things we're doing wrong and makes no time to acknowledge the things we're doing right, they may serve us better if we speak with them from time to time, but certainly not every day.
4. They genuinely don't like each other anymore
People change. Life events, stress, age, and time all have an impact on how we see the world and how we choose to behave. Sometimes, our values diverge, and we lose our connection. When that happens, it's important to consider if we're staying with the friendship out of choice or obligation.
If you can honestly say that you no longer care for your friend anymore, it's okay to be honest about that change and make choices that reflect this new perspective. Chances are that if you feel this way, your friend has a sense that something is amiss also.
There's no requirement that you have a "big talk" sometimes, simply backing away is enough. But if you feel the need to talk, try to remember points two and three above and be honest yet kind.
5. Life feels calmer, happier, and more alive without them
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When two people struggle to understand where their friendship is headed, often, there are periods when they don't communicate as much. During these breaks, ask yourself if you're happier or less stressed without your friend. Sometimes, the answer is a resounding "yes," and in those cases, the writing is on the wall.
But what about situations where your friend has fallen into a self-destructive pattern you hope will change? Sometimes, relief comes when you simply accept it's not your responsibility to fix your friend and until they decide to take action, all you can do is wait and pray. Perhaps, in this case, what you need is a break and not a breakup.
"Many people are suddenly uncertain whether they ever truly knew someone they've once called their best friend, as that person is behaving in ways they don't recognize. This commonly leads to feelings of guilt — "I should have known they weren't my friend!" — followed by additional hurt as that so-called friend denies there’s a problem or perhaps cuts off communication with you without warning. That's why it's crucial to regularly evaluate your friendships and relationships to make sure they are balanced and supportive, suggested therapist Maxine Langdon Starr.
Toxic friendships can truly be harmful to everyone involved. As you consider this list, if the friendship that you have in mind comes up as a net negative, then it's clear what you need to do. All that's left is to decide how you want to back away and if a conversation is necessary.
Remember that each ending makes room for a new beginning. Fear of walking away from a toxic friendship only keeps you both stuck and stunts your growth. On the other hand, finding the courage to explore difficult questions ultimately raises the bar and redefines the kind of friendships that are worth your time, energy, and love.
Melanie Gorman, MA, is a writer and business coach who holds a Masters degree in counseling psychology.