If A Man Suddenly Disappears On You, Psychology Says To Take These 10 Steps
How to cope when he vanishes, according to research.
Look | Canva When a guy disappears, we often find ourselves confused and hurt. We don't know why it happened or what to do. Instead of getting angry and crazy, follow these ten steps,
If a man suddenly disappears on you, psychology says to take these steps:
1. Be patient
Something serious may have come up for him. Instead of assuming he's ditched you, give him the benefit of the doubt and wait it out. A study from The National Library of Medicine on self-control suggests that being patient can be a challenge, but it is critical not to contact him. It could be a family emergency, or he could need a little time to think about his feelings for you. Whatever the reason, it is best to be patient.
2. Distract yourself
The best way to be patient is to distract yourself with something else, as supported by a study from the University of Concordia on distraction and anxiety reduction. Make plans. Fill out your calendar. Get all your chores done. Watch movies. Do whatever you need to do to keep your mind from feeling unstable with wondering and to keep yourself from contacting him.
3. Don't stalk him
Resist every urge to check his social media, his dating profile, his work accounts, his website, etc. Don't try contacting his friends. Keep reminding yourself that he is choosing not to pay you any attention, so you should not pay him any attention.
Research on breakup distress shows how feelings of rejection and betrayal are already a challenge, so checking up on him will only give you more information to think about, which will make it more difficult to get over him.
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4. Don't worry about why
If you haven't heard from him for a few days, you'll probably start wondering why. You'll replay all of your recent conversations, you'll reread your texts, and you'll make things up in your head. None of this is productive.
If he doesn't have the courtesy to let you know what's going on, you shouldn't concern yourself with it. If something serious has come up, he doesn't want you involved. If he doesn't want to date you anymore and doesn't want to tell you why, you shouldn't care about the reason.
5. Accept that you've been dumped — by someone selfish and rude
If you haven't heard from him in a week, it is probably safe to say you've been dumped. Instead of remembering all that was good about him, remind yourself it was rude of him to disappear. If he didn't feel chemistry, he should have said it.
- If things seemed to be moving too fast, he should have said it.
- If he was looking for something different, he should have said it.
It is very selfish of him not to consider your feelings. Instead of missing him and wanting him back, recognize you have now seen a different, really unattractive side of him.
Communication is key in relationships. If he can't say what is on his mind, be glad you didn't try to move forward with the relationship.
6. Allow yourself one afternoon to be sad
Sometimes, you just need to cry it out! Give yourself an afternoon to feel the emotions and let them go. Crying is a self-soothing behavior, as described in a study by Frontiers in Psychology. Have your little pity party, but keep it short! Then get back up and carry on.
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7. Respect he isn't perfect
As upsetting as it is to be on the receiving end, try to understand he is probably doing the best he can. Not all men have the confidence or communication skills to express what's on their minds.
I'm not trying to say this is acceptable behavior, but it helps to put yourself in his shoes and recognize he has some growing to do. The Journal of Marriage and Family explains how seeking perfection will negatively affect the quality of the relationship.
8. Get closure if you need to
Once you are sure it's over and you've both had some time to think about things, it would be reasonable to send a short text or email to get closure and wish him well. Be sure to keep it short, one or two lines only. Don't write too much, as he isn't interested in engaging with you.
Don't tell him off, as it isn't necessary. He knows what he did. He knows it was rude, and knows you probably feel pretty bad about it. He doesn't care enough to address it. If you focus on the negative, you'll only create unnecessary drama. Wish him well and be done.
9. Take a break
If you find yourself hoping to run into him in the neighborhood, take a break from the local hangout. If you're hoping he'll see your latest status updates and want you back, take a social media break. Getting him out of your thoughts is integral to moving on, so step away from whatever keeps him in your mind.
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10. Learn from it
Look back and see if there were signs he wasn't happy, signs there wasn't enough connection, or signs he was looking for more. The best thing you can do as you move forward is to fine-tune your intuition.
Because the disappearing act is so common, it does get easier to deal with as you gain more dating experience. In time, you'll just roll your eyes and keep moving.
Rebecca A. Marquis is a dating coach and the author of How to Be a Good Boyfriend: 34 Ways To Keep Her From Getting Annoying, Jealous, or Crazy.