Psychology Says There's 'Ick' Behaviors Nobody's Ever Attracted To, No Matter How Gorgeous A Person Is
Your good looks can't save you with these icky behaviors.
Yan Krukau | Canva Do you meet someone nice at a party or get-together, but they turn down an invite for coffee? Do you have problems getting beyond a first date or get dropped after a week or two?
If you're getting ghosted or rejected before getting something started, you might be guilty of one (or more) of these instant turn-offs, even if you're fit, well-dressed, and attractive.
Psychology says there are 'ick' behaviors nobody's ever attracted to, no matter how gorgeous a person is:
1. Being inattentive or distracted.
A potential romantic partner wants to know that you're important to them. However, you're sending the wrong signal if you look around the room, half-listen to the conversation, or keep checking your phone.
2. Mocking other people's passions.
Everyone has a “thing" they're into, whether it's bowling, reality TV, kale, or Star Trek. You might not understand it, but if you mock their passion, it's an instant turn-off and shows you're incompatible.
Mocking someone's passions can significantly negatively impact their self-esteem, motivation, and overall well-being. This behavior often stems from feelings of social rejection, insecurity, and a perceived threat to their identity. A 2009 analysis found this is frequently linked to bullying dynamics and can be particularly damaging when directed at individuals with strong, unique interests.
3. Checking out other people.
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It's bad enough if you constantly check your phone, but it's even worse if you openly look at a hot guy or girl who turns your head.
4. Being emotionally unavailable.
It's not a good idea to unpack your emotional baggage when you meet someone, but if you can't open up, that's a problem, too. Being emotionally closed off often referred to as emotional unavailability, is primarily understood as a defense mechanism developed to protect oneself from potential emotional pain, usually stemming from past traumatic experiences, negative childhood patterns, or deep-seated fears of intimacy. An early review published in Sexual and Relationship Therapy concluded individuals may avoid sharing their feelings, expressing vulnerability, or forming close connections as a result.
5. Poor sportsmanship.
One round of pool at the local dive bar and a potential mate might scratch and run if you rage when you lose or thump your chest and brag when you win.
6. Excessive jealousy.
Being wanted is nice, but if you get possessive and see everyone as a threat, that can get old fast. Jealousy can have significant negative consequences, including damaging relationships, lowering self-esteem, fostering distrust, leading to controlling behaviors, and contributing to feelings of anxiety and depression, mainly when the jealousy is excessive or irrational. A 2022 study published in Frontiers in Psychology found that individuals experiencing extreme jealousy might withdraw from social situations due to fear of seeing their partner interacting with others, leading to social isolation.
7. Constant negativity.
If every conversation is about how much you don't like something, how it annoys you, or you constantly criticize, you're a pessimist. That can send a prospect scurrying away instantly.
8. Gossiping about others.
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Trustworthiness is a top trait that attracts people. If you can't wait until someone leaves the room to unload trash-talk them, it's no surprise you're not getting anyone's digits. Talking negatively about others can have several detrimental effects, including damaging social relationships, harming the target person's reputation, creating a hostile social environment, and even reflecting poorly on the gossiper's character.
These effects often stem from underlying insecurities or a desire for social validation. A 2023 study found that spreading negative information about someone can damage trust within a group, leading to suspicion and strained relationships between individuals.
9. Obsessing over material things.
It's nice to have nice things, but if that's all that matters to you or you judge people by their possessions, you might find yourself judged as a poor potential partner.
10. Low self-esteem.
It's nice to be humble (even if you're awesome), but if your sense of self-worth is so low that it drives negative behaviors, you might seem like too much trouble. Low self-esteem can lead to a range of negative consequences.
According to a 2011 study, these include an increased risk of depression and anxiety, difficulty in relationships, poor academic or professional performance, social isolation, unhealthy coping mechanisms like substance abuse, and a greater vulnerability to negative self-talk, often hindering personal growth and overall quality of life. Individuals with low self-esteem may also struggle to take risks, accept compliments, or advocate for themselves effectively.
11. Belittling others.
Are you sarcastic? Do you hand out burns or make jokes at other's expense? If so, you might be getting brushed off with good reason.
12. Poor conversation skills.
Relationships start with a chat. If you can't hold a meaningful discussion on subjects of mutual interest, your looks won't be enough to hold their interest. Not being able to hold conversations can lead to significant disadvantages, including social isolation, loneliness, strained relationships, difficulty forming connections, reduced self-esteem, missed opportunities for learning and understanding others, and increased stress levels due to misunderstandings and the inability to express needs or concerns effectively.
A 2017 survey showed individuals with communication disorders often experience smaller social networks, fewer positive social interactions, and higher levels of loneliness.
13. Being argumentative.
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If bickering gives you a thrill or you must always get your way, you're turning off people you'd like to be dating.
14. Lack of ambition.
You don't need to unroll a road map of your five-year plan, but you might come off as immature if you don't have life goals and ambitions (maybe even a bucket list). A 2022 study published in Organizational Behavior and Human Decision Processes found that, from a psychoanalytical perspective, ambition can be seen as an ego defense that helps maintain a specific idea of the self. People who lack ambition may use less mature defenses, such as rationalizing that they are less of a leader or that life is unfair.
15. Hogging the spotlight.
The spotlight is great for an actor, but don't expect a girl or guy you want to stick around if it's always about you. When every sentence starts with “I," you have a problem.
16. Disrespectful behavior.
To be a good prospect as a love interest, the object of your affection must trust you to interact with their friends, family, and co-workers in a way that won't embarrass them. Being disrespectful can significantly negatively impact individuals, causing anger, hurt, and decreased self-esteem. It can also disrupt communication, damage relationships, and hinder productivity. A 2020 pilot study concluded that even subtle disrespect can reduce cognitive performance and harmful behaviors like retaliation or withdrawal.
17. Being clingy.
Everyone needs a little space, and if you can't give potential partners enough room to hang out with friends or have a cocktail after work, you'll chase them away.
18. Using ultimatums.
No one wants to hear “or else." If you always make threats to get your way, it's an instant turn-off. A 2018 study published in Frontiers in Psychology found that issuing ultimatums in relationships is generally considered detrimental, often leading to increased resentment, damaged trust, and a decreased sense of autonomy for the recipient, as it forces them into a corner with little room for compromise, potentially harming the relationship significantly.
While sometimes used as a last resort to prompt change, ultimatums are often seen as a form of manipulation and can be particularly damaging when used frequently.
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